Friday, May 25, 2012

Small Victories and Catching Up

Celebrating some small victories that I thought I would share with you tonight...

1.   The first phase of my chemotherapy treatments are complete!  I did manage to survive the Red Devil and Cytoxan!  No more of those (hopefully forever!)

2.  My open wound from this past surgery is doing a little better than we thought it would.  I don't want to jinx myself, but it's actually beginning to slowly heal on its own without a wound vac for the time being.  We will keep praying about this one.

3.  School is out for summer and I have been able to spend some wonderful time outside with the kids playing.  Looking forward to more of those days.

Now...  I have really gotten behind on posting some pictures./videos of things that have happened lately.  So, here's a hodge podge.  I hope you enjoy!

Kinsley turned 8 on May 14th!  She graduated from 2nd grade and will be at my school next year as a 3rd grader.  I am so proud of the person she is becoming.  She has a big heart and is quite the little mommy to her brother, which tends to drive him crazy at times.  


Karlie also graduated from her Dayschool and will be going to Kindergarten in the fall.  She is very excited about going to "Real School".   I was so proud of her at graduation.  She sang all the songs and when they asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, she said "A Physical Therapist".  She later told Jamie and me that she wants to be just like Ms. Peggy and help babies like Anderson learn how to walk!  What a big heart she has! 

Anderson is doing great!  He LOVES to be outside and so that's where he spends most of his day.  He loves to drive the Gator (or Barbie Jeep- whichever is charged!)  all around the cul-de-sac where we live.  He has no fear and thinks it's fun to jump the curbs and run into mailboxes.  This little fella is about to celebrate a birthday in the next week, so be watching for a post with more pics and videos of my miracle boy. 



And finally...I realized that I never posted a video or pictures on here from Karlie's dance recital.  The pictures made it onto my facebook page, but I never even mentioned it on here that I was able to go.  Sorry about that.   I cannot seem to get the video to post, but here are a few pictures.  (I will keep working on the video.  It is just so good, I would love for you to see it.)



As you can see, life doesn't stop just  because you get a cancer diagnosis.  Nope, life goes on, one day at a time.  It's not always easy, but each moment is more cherished, each memory one to remember forever.  I am truly blessed!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Just what I needed...

Sometimes things are placed in your life at a certain moment- at just the right time.  That's exactly what happened to me this week.  Some of you who are really close to me know that I've been struggling for the past 2 weeks about this whole chemo plan laid out for me.  I have questioned whether it is worth it to do it as "pre-cautionary" measures.  As far as the doctors know, my cancer was all removed during my mastectomy.  The chemo and radiation are there just in case any cells were left behind, as well as to help decrease the chances of it returning.  I had such a hard recovery from the 3rd treatment, that I started questioning whether it was worth it.  I mean, couldn't I just take my chances and enjoy my summer break with my kids, enjoy spending time on the weekend with my husband, make plans for outings with friends and family.   I mean, is it worth it to have to always check the chemo schedule before making plans, trying to decide if I will feel good enough to participate in that activity?  If I have complete Faith in God and his healing, then why not just take my chances?  If God's plan for my life is for me to have cancer, and then be healed completely of it, then I truly believe that's what will happen.  If his plan is different, if He already knows that my cancer will spread or come back later, or (dare I even mention it) that I lose this battle, then no matter how much medicine or poison or radiation or surgery, I truly believe that will happen.  You see, I must always pray for HIS will, not mine.  So that has been my inner struggle for the past 2 weeks.  I have talked to some close friends and family about it, and they have been wonderful to just listen, without telling me I was crazy for even considering such a thing.  I think that's a lot of what I needed.  I just needed to talk myself through it, out loud.  I needed someone to listen, I needed them to say no matter what I decided they would stand by me in my decision. 

I had pretty much come to the realization that although my thoughts were probably normal for anyone who has been on (or is going through) this cancer journey, it was a little crazy in all reality.  No matter how much this journey stinks, or how badly I feel, I owe it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I owe it to a lot of people to fight this battle with all of my might.  I can not give up.  I have too many people fighting along side me to simply raise the white flag and give in. 

I was just beginning to come around to this realization, when all of a sudden Wednesday night I noticed a place under my incision that was swollen and discolored.  And when I touched it, it hurt.  It was really sore.  It was reallly ugly (and gross).  So I racked my brain to try to figure out what in the world it could be.  I had no idea.  What makes something swell up 2 months after surgery, when everything is healed well?

I called my plastic surgeon Thursday morning as soon as they opened and told them I probably needed to come in.  I was seen that afternoon when I got off from work, and once again, he was able to pull off some fluid.  Not just a little fluid with no other concerns, but fluid that was yellow and gross.  Fluid that needed cultured.  Yes, I had another infection on my mastectomy side.  It really makes no sense because there isn't anything in there to really cause infection, especially 2 months after the last surgery for infection.  But, normal or not, that's where I was.  Thankfully I caught it early enough that I hadn't gotten sick(yet)  like last time. 

So, my 4th of the really aggressive chemo treatments was postponed until next week, and I had outpatient surgery this morning to clean out all of the infection again.  While none of it really makes perfect sense medically, it is absolute perfect timing for me.  It helped me to realize that I am still in this battle fighting and I CAN NOT give up.  The chemo, although hated, is not just for pre-cautionary measures.  It is absolutely needed and this most recent surgery helped me realize that 100%. 

So the infection was cleaned out, my wound has been left open so infection can continue to drain (sorry if you have a weak stomach), and the discolored skin taken off and sent to be biopsied (just in case).  We are waiting to see what the cultures grow from the fluid that was removed so that they will know what medication I need to be on, and whether I can take it by mouth or need IV antibiotics.  We also will await the biopsy results of the skin and hope that it is benign.    The healing of my wound will be a long process due to my body's deacreased healing ability from chemo.  We will start by packing the incision, but we may eventually end up with a wound vac.  Either way, any swimming this summer is out of the question.  It will probably be a long healing process.  But I must simply remind myself that this is temporary.  This too shall pass.  This is just another bump in the road, but I will come down the other side and continue the journey. 

While I was a little disappointed that the final of the bad treatments had to be rescheduled because I was ready to get it over with, I have been able to enjoy some much needed time with my husband for our 10th anniversary.  We thought we would spend it with me sleeping in the recliner all weekend, too sick to do anything, but we were able to go out to eat last night on a little anniversary date.  We got to sit outside tonight and watch the kids play.  And tomorrow we get to simply relax and be lazy all day together.  So that is a small blessing among the latest bump in the road.  Also, tonight you would never know I've had surgery today.  There is no pain, no medicine, no sleeping.  I feel great.  If it weren't for the bandages and dressing, I would probably forget I had surgery today. 

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and encouragement.  They mean the world to me and keep me going each day, but especially the bad ones.  Please don't stop. 

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful Husband!  I love you Jamie with all of my heart.  I couldn't do this without you.  You've been there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I know this is all just as hard on you as it is me, but thank you for being my tower of strength when I need it.  We will get through this TOGETHER and come out stronger on the other side.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It just stinks

So, my last post was on the positive side of dealing with a cancer diagnosis- this one is just the opposite.  Not to be Debbie Downer, but sometimes this journey just stinks.  I try to remember to take things one day at a time, but some days are definitely better than others. 

After this third treatment, I have really struggled.  I've struggled with side effects, I've struggled getting back to feeling halfway "normal" after the treatment, I've struggled with a lot of WHY questions, and I've struggled with looking toward the future.  A lot of people tell me how strong they think I am- so maybe this post needs a disclaimer...after reading this post you may not see me as strong.  In fact, you may even see my weak side, because lately I haven't really felt very strong.

You know what stinks?  It stinks to spend an entire 4 days laid up in a recliner, with barely enough energy to walk to the bathroom.  It stinks to spend an entire weekend listening to your kids playing outside and wishing so badly to be out there with them.  It stinks to spend your husband's birthday sleeping in a recliner all day.  It stinks to feel sick to your stomach, I mean really sick, with little to no relief.  It stinks to ache so badly that simply laying in bed on a pillow hurts.   It stinks to not have a head full of hair to fix however you want.  It stinks to sit in a room with 4 other people watching as the nurses administer their doses of poison for the week- to hear their stories, to see their fragile hairless bodies, and to wonder how badly you will look when this is all over.  It stinks to wonder when (or if) this battle will be over.  It stinks to know that after these 4 horrible treatments, there are 12 more treatments still waiting to be administered.  Oh yeah, then there are at least 6 weeks of radiation, then more surgery...wow.  Will it ever end?  It stinks to try so hard to be positive, but then Satan still allows those moments of fear and doubt to creep in on almost a daily basis.  It stinks to try to think about the future.  Seriously.  I do try to stay  positive, and I do trust and pray that God will heal me, but...

I know I haven't posted a lot throughout this journey like I had planned to do.  I just haven't really had anything that I was really inspired to write about.  In fact, some nights I sit at the computer to write a post, and NOTHING comes.  Not even a few sentences.  Other times I am either too sick to think about writing, or I feel so good that I am busy enjoying life with no time to post. 

So why this post?  Why share these feelings?  Why not just keep this to myself and put a smile on my face and keep going?  Well, because if you read my profile to the right, it says that we may not be interesting, but we are real.  If I'm going to share the good and positive things, then I must also be transparent and share the not so pretty side as well.  If I am going to post along this journey, then I promise to not only post good stuff- that would be fake.  No one enjoys cancer or any part of it.  Trying to make it appear that way is extremely inaccurate.  You gotta take the good with the bad, and tonight Cancer stinks.  I hate that I have it.  I hate that my kids know the word so well.  I hate that they have to ask when I get more medicine to make me sick again.  I hate having to make summer plans around treatment days so as not to interfere.  I just hate everything about it.  No I don't need medicinefor depression.  I will be fine.  I will keep taking things one day at a time and keep moving forward.  But tonight, I'm just mad.  Tonight I wonder "Why me?"  Tonight I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream "I am finished!  No more chemo!"  Tonight I am allowing myself to have a pity-party. 

But the good news is...There's always tomorrow.   Tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow I will get up, put a smile on my face, thank God for another day on the earth, and take another step forward.  Tomorrow I will remind myself that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, and I will remind myself that God is right  by my side holding my hand and cheering me on.