Just what I needed...

Sometimes things are placed in your life at a certain moment- at just the right time.  That's exactly what happened to me this week.  Some of you who are really close to me know that I've been struggling for the past 2 weeks about this whole chemo plan laid out for me.  I have questioned whether it is worth it to do it as "pre-cautionary" measures.  As far as the doctors know, my cancer was all removed during my mastectomy.  The chemo and radiation are there just in case any cells were left behind, as well as to help decrease the chances of it returning.  I had such a hard recovery from the 3rd treatment, that I started questioning whether it was worth it.  I mean, couldn't I just take my chances and enjoy my summer break with my kids, enjoy spending time on the weekend with my husband, make plans for outings with friends and family.   I mean, is it worth it to have to always check the chemo schedule before making plans, trying to decide if I will feel good enough to participate in that activity?  If I have complete Faith in God and his healing, then why not just take my chances?  If God's plan for my life is for me to have cancer, and then be healed completely of it, then I truly believe that's what will happen.  If his plan is different, if He already knows that my cancer will spread or come back later, or (dare I even mention it) that I lose this battle, then no matter how much medicine or poison or radiation or surgery, I truly believe that will happen.  You see, I must always pray for HIS will, not mine.  So that has been my inner struggle for the past 2 weeks.  I have talked to some close friends and family about it, and they have been wonderful to just listen, without telling me I was crazy for even considering such a thing.  I think that's a lot of what I needed.  I just needed to talk myself through it, out loud.  I needed someone to listen, I needed them to say no matter what I decided they would stand by me in my decision. 

I had pretty much come to the realization that although my thoughts were probably normal for anyone who has been on (or is going through) this cancer journey, it was a little crazy in all reality.  No matter how much this journey stinks, or how badly I feel, I owe it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I owe it to a lot of people to fight this battle with all of my might.  I can not give up.  I have too many people fighting along side me to simply raise the white flag and give in. 

I was just beginning to come around to this realization, when all of a sudden Wednesday night I noticed a place under my incision that was swollen and discolored.  And when I touched it, it hurt.  It was really sore.  It was reallly ugly (and gross).  So I racked my brain to try to figure out what in the world it could be.  I had no idea.  What makes something swell up 2 months after surgery, when everything is healed well?

I called my plastic surgeon Thursday morning as soon as they opened and told them I probably needed to come in.  I was seen that afternoon when I got off from work, and once again, he was able to pull off some fluid.  Not just a little fluid with no other concerns, but fluid that was yellow and gross.  Fluid that needed cultured.  Yes, I had another infection on my mastectomy side.  It really makes no sense because there isn't anything in there to really cause infection, especially 2 months after the last surgery for infection.  But, normal or not, that's where I was.  Thankfully I caught it early enough that I hadn't gotten sick(yet)  like last time. 

So, my 4th of the really aggressive chemo treatments was postponed until next week, and I had outpatient surgery this morning to clean out all of the infection again.  While none of it really makes perfect sense medically, it is absolute perfect timing for me.  It helped me to realize that I am still in this battle fighting and I CAN NOT give up.  The chemo, although hated, is not just for pre-cautionary measures.  It is absolutely needed and this most recent surgery helped me realize that 100%. 

So the infection was cleaned out, my wound has been left open so infection can continue to drain (sorry if you have a weak stomach), and the discolored skin taken off and sent to be biopsied (just in case).  We are waiting to see what the cultures grow from the fluid that was removed so that they will know what medication I need to be on, and whether I can take it by mouth or need IV antibiotics.  We also will await the biopsy results of the skin and hope that it is benign.    The healing of my wound will be a long process due to my body's deacreased healing ability from chemo.  We will start by packing the incision, but we may eventually end up with a wound vac.  Either way, any swimming this summer is out of the question.  It will probably be a long healing process.  But I must simply remind myself that this is temporary.  This too shall pass.  This is just another bump in the road, but I will come down the other side and continue the journey. 

While I was a little disappointed that the final of the bad treatments had to be rescheduled because I was ready to get it over with, I have been able to enjoy some much needed time with my husband for our 10th anniversary.  We thought we would spend it with me sleeping in the recliner all weekend, too sick to do anything, but we were able to go out to eat last night on a little anniversary date.  We got to sit outside tonight and watch the kids play.  And tomorrow we get to simply relax and be lazy all day together.  So that is a small blessing among the latest bump in the road.  Also, tonight you would never know I've had surgery today.  There is no pain, no medicine, no sleeping.  I feel great.  If it weren't for the bandages and dressing, I would probably forget I had surgery today. 

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and encouragement.  They mean the world to me and keep me going each day, but especially the bad ones.  Please don't stop. 

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful Husband!  I love you Jamie with all of my heart.  I couldn't do this without you.  You've been there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I know this is all just as hard on you as it is me, but thank you for being my tower of strength when I need it.  We will get through this TOGETHER and come out stronger on the other side.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally!