Please don't pinch me...

  I recently had a CT scan of my entire body because the doctors were concerned that my cancer had spread outside the bones and found its way into an organ.  This was based on the fact that one of my tumor markers had risen and a recent MRI of my back showed that the cancer had spread into my spine just since my PET scan back in February.  It was a pretty scary time, as I was faced with the fact that if it had spread outside the bones, then my hourglass of time left on the earth was emptying much faster than expected.  However, if it was found to only be in my bones, then it would not be life-threatening as long as we could find a treatment that would keep it contained to the bones.

After the luck that I've had through this journey of always seeming to get bad news or always going with Plan B, I have to be honest and tell you I did not feel good about those results at all.  In fact I had myself convinced that it had spread somewhere else.  I let my mind wander to many bad places that day and that night, while awaiting the call of the results.  Honestly- I was scared.  Not because I didn't think God was still in control, but because I realize that even when He is in control, that doesn't always mean complete healing.  People die every single day.  Is it because God wasn't in control?  I don't think so.  But sometimes His plan doesn't look anything like what we hope it looks like, and as hard as that is to understand, I realize that He knows best.  He knows the plan, He can see the big picture, while I can only see a small part.  And yes, sometimes people have to die- even His own son, but look at the results of that- I thank Him daily for allowing His son to die FOR ME!

The next morning my oncologist called first thing and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she said "It's nowhere else!  It is contained in your spine.  This is VERY good news!"  And upon hearing that news, I breathed a sigh of relief that lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders.

I know cancer being in my spine doesn't sound like something to be thankful about- it can cause fractures, spine compression, pain, numbness, etc..- but when you look at the other option, suddenly it doesn't sound so bad.

I have also been signed up for a clinical trial with the Sara Cannon Research Institute.  I'm really excited about the trial that I will begin in a few weeks.  It is not a NEW drug that they don't know anything about that they are trying to get approved, rather it is 2 separate drugs that are already FDA approved, but they are trying to prove that the combination of taking both drugs together can more aggressively treat the cancer cells, with little or no side effects on the patient.  They have already had great success with others on the trial, and the doctor and nurses were very optimistic for me as well.

In fact, I have been given the clearance to proceed with getting my left side reconstructed.  As you may remember, after my mastectomy I had reconstruction, but my body rejected it and I ended up with a pretty severe infection.  My body has been pretty messed up since that surgery, but with chemo, radiation, hysterectomy, stage IV diagnosis- that just hasn't been at the top of the list of things to worry about.  And I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would put myself through that again with the chance that the same thing could happen again.  Well, I'm not sure you could fully understand unless you have been in my position, but emotionally it's difficult to be 33 and have every physical part of you that makes you a woman either removed or damaged.  I'm not being vain- but it's hard to deal with feeling like a 70 year old woman at the age of 33.  So it's time.  It's time to be able to shop without worrying what things look like, it's time to shop for a bathing suit without trying to find one with a "pocket" for my prosthesis.  Maybe that's too much information, but it's real.  It's the life of a breast cancer patient.

So this coming Monday, July 1st, I will once again go back into surgery.  Not to remove cancer or to remove organs feeding the cancer, but to replace part of what the cancer has already taken.  Surgery to help me be whole again.  Am I excited?  I am BEYOND excited.  Nervous?  A little, but after everything I've already been through, I'm hoping this will be a breeze.  They will be using skin, fat, and muscle from my back for my reconstruction.  Really it's very interesting.  I will have a tissue expander, which is a foreign object in my body- so prayers that my body doesn't reject it this time is greatly appreciated.

Also, Jamie and I are just a few steps away from starting the construction of our house.  Building this house has always been a dream of ours, and this is the right time for us to build it.  It's very exciting.

Lots of good things happening for the Spears Family lately.  And if this is a dream, please don't pinch me...I'd like to enjoy it a little longer.