It just stinks

So, my last post was on the positive side of dealing with a cancer diagnosis- this one is just the opposite.  Not to be Debbie Downer, but sometimes this journey just stinks.  I try to remember to take things one day at a time, but some days are definitely better than others. 

After this third treatment, I have really struggled.  I've struggled with side effects, I've struggled getting back to feeling halfway "normal" after the treatment, I've struggled with a lot of WHY questions, and I've struggled with looking toward the future.  A lot of people tell me how strong they think I am- so maybe this post needs a disclaimer...after reading this post you may not see me as strong.  In fact, you may even see my weak side, because lately I haven't really felt very strong.

You know what stinks?  It stinks to spend an entire 4 days laid up in a recliner, with barely enough energy to walk to the bathroom.  It stinks to spend an entire weekend listening to your kids playing outside and wishing so badly to be out there with them.  It stinks to spend your husband's birthday sleeping in a recliner all day.  It stinks to feel sick to your stomach, I mean really sick, with little to no relief.  It stinks to ache so badly that simply laying in bed on a pillow hurts.   It stinks to not have a head full of hair to fix however you want.  It stinks to sit in a room with 4 other people watching as the nurses administer their doses of poison for the week- to hear their stories, to see their fragile hairless bodies, and to wonder how badly you will look when this is all over.  It stinks to wonder when (or if) this battle will be over.  It stinks to know that after these 4 horrible treatments, there are 12 more treatments still waiting to be administered.  Oh yeah, then there are at least 6 weeks of radiation, then more surgery...wow.  Will it ever end?  It stinks to try so hard to be positive, but then Satan still allows those moments of fear and doubt to creep in on almost a daily basis.  It stinks to try to think about the future.  Seriously.  I do try to stay  positive, and I do trust and pray that God will heal me, but...

I know I haven't posted a lot throughout this journey like I had planned to do.  I just haven't really had anything that I was really inspired to write about.  In fact, some nights I sit at the computer to write a post, and NOTHING comes.  Not even a few sentences.  Other times I am either too sick to think about writing, or I feel so good that I am busy enjoying life with no time to post. 

So why this post?  Why share these feelings?  Why not just keep this to myself and put a smile on my face and keep going?  Well, because if you read my profile to the right, it says that we may not be interesting, but we are real.  If I'm going to share the good and positive things, then I must also be transparent and share the not so pretty side as well.  If I am going to post along this journey, then I promise to not only post good stuff- that would be fake.  No one enjoys cancer or any part of it.  Trying to make it appear that way is extremely inaccurate.  You gotta take the good with the bad, and tonight Cancer stinks.  I hate that I have it.  I hate that my kids know the word so well.  I hate that they have to ask when I get more medicine to make me sick again.  I hate having to make summer plans around treatment days so as not to interfere.  I just hate everything about it.  No I don't need medicinefor depression.  I will be fine.  I will keep taking things one day at a time and keep moving forward.  But tonight, I'm just mad.  Tonight I wonder "Why me?"  Tonight I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream "I am finished!  No more chemo!"  Tonight I am allowing myself to have a pity-party. 

But the good news is...There's always tomorrow.   Tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow I will get up, put a smile on my face, thank God for another day on the earth, and take another step forward.  Tomorrow I will remind myself that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, and I will remind myself that God is right  by my side holding my hand and cheering me on.