I'm not sure why I expected it to be any different this time- Haven't I figured out by now that Plan A never works for me? My previous post discussed the clinical trial that I was so excited about- and how I was beginning all of the pre-testing necessary to get started. That was Plan A- which fell through the day before it was supposed to begin.
What happened? Well, during the testing it was discovered in my blood work that my liver enzymes were elevated slightly, and in my CT scan it was noted that along with the cancer still growing and spreading in my spine, the cancer has also spread to my liver. There are "several new small lesions." And having those results immediately disqualified me for the clinical trial, as well as made me very very angry for a few days.
Angry, ticked off, P*ssed off- whatever you want to call it- that's what I was. How does this happen? How from one month to the next do you go from finding out it's Bone only and hasn't spread, to now it's in your liver? Well, that's how aggressive this cancer is. It continues to grow and spread out of control right now. So I met with my oncologist this week and came up with a quick plan to try to get it back under control. The quick treatment to get started trying to stop the growth and spreading is chemo.
This chemo is different from what I've already had. This chemo is pill form that I take by mouth each morning and night. My current dose is 4 pills in the morning and 4 in the evening. It is supposed to be well-tolerated as opposed to the other chemo I went through, but they have had success with this treating people that other chemo and hormone therapy were not successful. In fact, my oncologist looked at me and said "We WILL get back in control of this." She is optimistic, and I trust her completely. I know she would never lead me in a wrong direction. Now, she's honest with me- she doesn't sugar coat anything, which I love. But with the honesty she also can still be positive and not all doom and gloom.
My anger is now gone. And I'm thankful that God is big enough to be able to handle when His children are angry at Him. I still know He is in control, but getting hit over and over with bad news- well, it just stinks. And after being so strong for so long, I allowed myself to turn my focus away from God for a short period in all of this and it became very overwhelming. Not only have I started hurting and having to take pain medication to deal with the pain, but since hearing the news people have started treating me differently. And if there's one thing I want in all of this, it's to be treated exactly the same. I don't want special treatment, I don't want sympathy looks, I don't want people to tell me I can't do something. But for the past week that's exactly what's happened, and instead of being angry, I've become an emotional wreck.
I've been through this journey knowing that God is in control, but also with the theory of "As long as I don't look sick or feel sick, then I can pretend I'm not sick." But now I do feel sick because of the pain- and when people start treating you like you're sick, that just one more thing to remind me of how big of a battle I'm in. But it's not just my battle- I still know God is right by my side, I just could use a break- some rest, some good news, instead of being beat down all the time.
However, I refuse to give in. I refuse to quit fighting or give up. So please don't feel sorry for me. Don't cry for me. Don't treat me differently. Pray. Pray for healing. And realize that none of us are promised tomorrow, so when you pray, also make sure that you enjoy each day that you are blessed with- be thankful for each day when you wake up. Don't complain about work, or kids, or dirty dishes. Be thankful that God blessed you and allowed you to have another day on this earth.
Once again I have had to remind myself to take things 1 day at a time. I cannot worry/stress/be anxious about the future. One day, one step, one moment. Be thankful. Make the best of it. Look at everything with a different perspective.
"This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."
