Goodbye 2012!

Has it really been since November that I've posted?  Wow, I guess I've been a total slacker...you know, we've had nothing else to do for the past 2 months.  Ha!  Yes we've been pretty busy, but to be completely honest, I haven't been inspired to do any blogging/writing.  Not sure why, but every time the thought crossed my mind, I couldn't find the motivation to write anything.  Other than the occasional facebook update or tweet, no writing since November.  It's sad, I know. 

But as 2012 comes to an end, a blog post to look back over this year is necessary.  It's always good to look at where you've been so that you can be thankful for where you are, and look forward to where you're headed. 

If I said that I was sorry for 2012 to end, I'd be completely lying.  In fact, it can't end quickly enough.  While we were blessed tremendously this year, we also went through a lot of sickness and trials. 

It all started in January- We spent 3 out of 4 weekends in a hospital with Anderson.  Getting tubes, RSV, and his 4th shunt revision kicked off 2012 with a bang. 

February was my diagnosis of breast cancer, and our family began the journey and way of life that comes along with the "ugly C word."  Along with tests, I had my mastectomy and reconstruction.

March was the month of infection with removal of all reconstruction. 

April was port placement and the beginning of chemotherapy. 

May continued chemo.  Jamie and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary- how did we celebrate?  Surgery for another pocket of infection at my surgery site.  Happy Anniversary sweet heart!  Ha ha!  This is the surgery which led to the open wound that is still healing today.  We also celebrated Kinsley's 8th birthday and Jamie's birthday.

In June, Anderson celebrated his 2 year birthday.   Chemo continued.

July was more chemo, but I felt well enough to enjoy my summer break with the kids.  We spent a lot of time outside playing.  Lots of great memories made. 

August brought Karlie starting Kindergarten, Kinsley going to third grade, and me continuing my wonderful job as Assistant Principal.  Chemo finished in August!  I was very happy to finish that part of the journey.

September was a break in between chemo and radiation due to the open wound.  While it was nice to have a break, it also gave me a lot of time to think and dwell on what was going on and led to a little post-chemo depression. 

October was Fall Break, with a family trip to Cookeville and then Chattanooga.  It was a great time with even more memories made and we had an enjoyable time together- just the 5 of us.  Later in the month, I began my radiation treatments. 

November was a month of being thankful and not taking any moment for granted.  Radiation continued.  Life was busy, but everyone's health was good.  We enjoyed our thanksgiving and looked forward to Christmas.

This month, I finished all of my radiation treatments and celebrated my 33rd birthday.  Karlie got the flu right before Christmas, but got well in time to feel great for all of our Christmas gatherings.  My mom and I made a trip to Houston to MD Anderson Cancer Center, and there are a lot of stories to post from that trip...but I'll save them for another post.  We got home yesterday, just in time for Kinsley and Anderson to get sick.  Kinsley now has the flu, and Anderson has a stomach virus.  Happy New Years!  Welcome home! 

So in a nutshell, 2012 had a lot of trying times.  It was not one of our best years.  But in the midst of all the struggles, we also had some of the most wonderful blessings!

Other than his January events, Anderson had a great year.  He stayed healthy, his shunt continued working, and he met several milestones.  He continues to develop into the most loving and active little boy.  He is amazing! 

We have seen first hand how the worst of times can bring out the best in people.  The love, the support, the encouragement, the friendships, the strength, the prayers, the celebrations, the surprises, and the money that we have received have been absolutely overwhelming.  God has placed the most wonderful people around us- our earthly support system, if you will.  Our families, our friends, our co-workers, our church family- they have all been absolutely amazing. 

And as 2013 approaches, good things seem to be in our near future.  I got great news in Houston!  The cancer treatments are complete and I am now CANCER FREE!  They also gave me a plan of what to expect/what to do from here.  Also, as many of you know, my parents had their house for sale.  They have a contract and should close in less than 2 weeks!  Then they are buying our house and that means we can start building on our land.  This will put me only 10 miles from work- I seriously won't know what to do with all that spare time in the mornings. 

So, good bye 2012- we survived you.  But WELCOME 2013!

The Salesman

Tonight Jamie was needing to go to the gym to get in his workout.  So, rather than wait until the kids were in bed, I told him to go ahead and go.  I was going to give Anderson his bath and put him to bed.  We would be fine.  (right?)

So as Anderson played in the bath, I sat on the edge and helped Kinsley study for a test while Karlie played the iPad.  About 4 questions into studying, Anderson hands me something...nope not a toy...it was round and brown.  Yep, you got it.  He used the bathroom in the bathtub.  Then he was scared of it so he was screaming.  The girls were both laughing their heads off, and I was gagging.  I got him out of the tub, emptied and cleaned the tub, put the toys to disinfect, and put him back in the finish his bath. 

About this time the phone rings.  Kinsley runs to answer it and brings it to me.  I can tell as soon as I say "Hello" that it's a salesman or someone wanting money.  I usually just say "not interested" and hang up.  But before I could say anything, I hear her say "This recorded call is to raise money for (insert name here) breast cancer foundation.  Did you know, Mrs. Spears that someone dies every 12 minutes from cancer?" 

Hmmm...did I know that?  Not necessarily that specific statistic, but basically yes.  So I quietly answer "Yes." 

She continues, "And Mrs. Spears our foundation helps provide mammograms and screenings because early detection is key, don't you agree, Mrs. Spears?"

"Yes."

"Well then I am going to send you a car decal and an envelope with a pledge form in it.  Can we count on you this year to make a donation to this foundation, Mrs. Spears?"

I couldn't help it.  I don't know what it was inside me that made me say it.  I probably should have just said "Sure" and hung up.  But I didn't.

"Actually, I am going through treatments for Breast Cancer right now myself."

SILENCE.  (or maybe a few crickets).

I continued..."I'm 32 and I was just diagnosed in February with Stage 3."

"Ohhhh...Mrs. Spears I am so sorry.  Well I know you will be just fine.  Yes you will be cured.  Have a good night."

And she hung up.

I can't help but wonder if her method of "quoting statistics of how many people die every 12 minutes in order to get people to donate money" felt a little awkward on her next call. 

I know she is simply doing her job.  And I'm not upset or angry.  But in a weird way, I do find it comical that I made a salesman speechless...

It's not every day that happens, now is it?  ; )

A Locksmith, a Bride, a Cowgirl, and a Cowboy...

Yes- you guessed it...This post is devoted to Halloween 2012.  Kinsley was a bride, Karlie was a cowgirl, and Anderson was a cowboy.  So...where does the locksmith come in?  Jamie? No.  Me? No.  Hmmmm... How do I explain this?

Let me start by saying that I pulled onto our street Wednesday afternoon so that I could drop the girls off with Jamie before heading to radiation.  What I see when I get to the house- Jamie and his dad standing around a vehicle.  I'm not surprised, because one of the things Anderson loves to do is sit in a car and pretend he's driving.  However, when I notice that Jamie has a wire hanger in his hand I begin to get a little concerned.  When I roll down the window, Jamie informs me that Anderson has locked himself inside the vehicle and the keys are in it.  But he's laughing and doesn't seem too upset so I just shake my head and tell them I will be home as soon as radiation is over so we can get the kids in their costumes and ready to trick-or-treat. 

When I arrive home about 35 minutes later, everyone is in the house.  So I don't think much about it until I walk in and Karlie immediately says..."Nothing happened.  We didn't do anything wrong" - which is a big red flag that something DID happen.  I quickly find out that no one could get the door unlocked and when Anderson pushed the button, it was either the wrong button or wouldn't unlock.  So a neighbor called the police- but they wouldn't come because the car wasn't running.  Next she called the firestation which is about 1/4 of a mile from our house to see if they would help- "Is the car running?"  "No."  "Then we can't help."  So that last option...call a locksmith.  Yes, a locksmith had to come and get my child out of the vehicle. Thankfully, this company doesn't charge when there are children involved.  

Good grief.  Oh well.   They got him out and he wasn't too upset, so maybe he won't need too much therapy when he gets older. 

Despite that, this was the BEST Halloween ever!  No one cried or complained about their costumes or what they had to wear under it to keep warm.  No one fought.  No one whined about walking or their feet hurting.  We had a great night, got lots of candy, and then the girls sat on our front porch and handed out candy to other trick-or-treaters. 

Here are some pictures!  I hope you enjoy!

Radiation

I FINALLY got to start my radiation treatment this past week.  It has been 9 weeks since I finished chemo so I was beyond ready to get started.  What took so long?  You may remember the surgery I had on May 18 where the incision was left open to heal?  Yeah, well that crazy thing has just now healed enough to get started.  (HOORAY!) And, my plan seemed to take a little longer to develop than normal because it was difficult due to my heart being in the way of where they needed to radiate.  (Kind of scary, huh?)  But they worked and worked until they figured out the perfect plan to get all of the areas they needed without doing unnecessary damage to other organs. 

I will have 36 treatments total, and I go 5 days a week for treatment, so it totals about 7 weeks.  If all goes well I should finish December 14.  Other than some reconstructive surgery that will take place next year, I should still be mostly finished with all treatments and be Cancer Free by Christmas!  YEA!  That has been my goal. 

I've completed 2 treatments so far.  No side effects yet, thank goodness.  Main side effects will be exhaustion and skin irritation similar to a sunburn.  Of course everyone is different with their symptoms, and we all know that I tend to go with Plan B, so if I can make it through 36 treatments with just those 2 side effects, I'll be a VERY happy girl!

So how are we doing?   I know my post back in September was kind of depressing, but it is the reality of this journey.  Some days are good, some not so good.  Some days are full of positive thoughts and strength, while others are filled with negative thoughts and worries.   The girls were a little upset about me starting more treatments until I explained to them that I wouldn't be sick with these and we should be able to stay on our normal schedule.  Once they understood that, they were fine.  Anderson of course is too young to understand any of this, but he does think it's quite funny that someone has drawn all over me with a Sharpie.  (Yeah, hilarious...)  Jamie is doing pretty good, but I know this is all very difficult on him.  But I couldn't do this without him.  He is so good to help out around the house however he can.  I am blessed to have him so close to my side.  

Thank you for all of your continued prayers.  This journey is not over.  We are still fighting.  I pray that somehow good will come from this experience and it will not be in vain.  I know God has a plan, and he is walking by my side.  Some days I just wish I could skip to the last chapter of this book to find out the ending- but then, that would ruin the path to get there, wouldn't it?

Happy Birthday Sweet Karlie Ryan!

Today is Karlie's 6th Birthday!  As I looked back tonight over pictures from years past, it brought tears to  my eyes to see how quickly she has grown.  I love this girl with all my heart, and I am so proud of the person she is.  She is beautiful both on the inside and out, and I couldn't be more proud of her!  Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl!

The Valley

Once upon a time, I got on a bike and climbed a mountain.  Not just any mountain, but a huge mountain- one that many people can't imagine climbing.  Once I made it to the top of the mountain, it was time to ride down the other side for a short break, before climbing the next mountain that was in my path.  As I began riding down the first mountain, I began going so fast that I couldn't even control the bike any longer.  I knew if I put on the brakes I would fly over the handle bars, so I just held on and hoped that I didn't crash.  While I was a little nervous about the quick trip down, I also hoped that the speed I had picked up on the way down would help me get at least partially up the next mountain without me even having to pedal.  But that's not what happened at all.  Instead as I got to the bottom- the valley between the two mountains- my chain fell off and I landed on my butt.

What?

Okay, so I haven't ridden a bike since I was a young child- that was just a comparison to what my journey has been like lately.  I've been a little (ok a lot) hesitant to write this post because I am afraid that no matter how I put these feelings into words people will not understand.  Only those who have  walked in my shoes will be able to fully understand the feelings I am about to describe. 

And here is my disclaimer...this post is not for sympathy, it is not a cry for help, but rather to help those of you following this journey know some of the emotions that go along with it, and maybe  even to help someone else out there on the same journey as I. 

So, chemo is finished, right?  Yes.  Hooray? Not really.  (what?!?)  How can I not be just completely ecstatic to be finished with chemo?  Well, I am and I'm not.   I am very excited that I do not have to go sit for 4 hours every week while the nurses pump my body full of poison, and I am very excited to not have to worry about the side effects of having that poison put in my body, HOWEVER  finishing chemo has been the hardest part of this journey so far, emotionally speaking. 

I thought I would be so glad to be finished that I would feel like I was on top of a mountain, a mountain that I had just climbed for the past 20 weeks and had finally made it to the top!  But when the last day came, I found myself an emotional wreck.  I was happy, sad, scared, worried, and just kind of  bummed.  Really?  How is this possible?  Am I crazy? What is wrong with me?  One of my cancer sisters said it best in a text she sent me that morning..She told me that as long as I was going through chemo, I felt like I was fighting, but NOW WHAT?  Now I wouldn't have a doctor checking on me and checking my blood work every week; I wouldn't see the nurses who always asked how I was doing; I wouldn't be actively fighting the cancer by allowing them to put chemotherapy in my body; and  I wouldn't have as many people praying for me because many associate being finished with chemo to being finished with cancer and being finished fighting the battle.  

And while I was happy to be finished with the chemo itself, missing the things that came along with the chemo is hard.  Very hard.  It may not make much sense to you, and that's okay.  I remember reading about Robin Roberts talking about how she went into a depression when her treatments for breast cancer were finished.  I remember thinking, "What is wrong with her?  Is she crazy?  How can she be depressed when she just kicked cancer's butt and made it through all of her treatments with a smile on her face?"  Oh how wrong I was!  I now FULLY understand how that happens.  And thanks to some wonderful people I've met on this journey who DO understand exactly what I'm going through, I realize this is very common for many people to feel lost or depressed as they finish their treatments because now they are left to simply hope and pray that the cancer will not return, all while the fear and wonder are in the forefront of their minds, but there is nothing else left to do. 
You know, Satan knows just when to put thoughts or fears in our minds.  He doesn't do it when we're strong; he doesn't do it when we are optimistic and fighting like crazy.  No, he finds us in our weakest moments and plants seeds of doubt, fear, and helplessness.  For many with cancer, this time is when they have finished their treatments.  It's the time when they aren't actively fighting with medication or radiation; it's the time when their bodies are tired from all of the treatments; and it's the time when many begin to stop praying for that person, because they think the "battle" is over. 

It's at these moments that I know I have to Fully Rely on God, but it's not easy- especially for someone with a personality like mine where I want to be in control; I am independent; I can do it myself; I can fight this- just tell ME what to do and I'll do it.  But when you hit those moments in life where it is completely out of your control and there's nothing YOU can do to fix it- it's scary.  Really scary.   Just give me a plan and let me follow it.  It's black and white, right?  No guessing.  No gray areas.  But what about when the checklist is finished?  Now that's where the waters get muddy and FAITH and TRUST come into play. 

I know I still have radiation in my near future, but this is where I've been for the past 2 weeks.  Knowing I have to continue to trust in God, but afraid because I myself cannot specifically do anything to feel like I'm still fighting.  To be honest, it's been quite a struggle.  But I keep pressing on everyday.  Taking it one day at a time- otherwise I get overwhelmed.  And when I'm overwhelmed, the reality of Stage 3 cancer and all of the statistics that go with it get stuck in my mind like glue and it's hard to shake them. 

So why am I sharing this?  First, I've always promised to be open and honest in sharing this journey.  It's not all smiles and roses.   Some parts of this journey are hard, and some of them get you down.  This is one of those times.  Second, if you know someone with cancer (including me) please don't stop praying for them simply because they finished their treatments.  In fact it's at that time that those people probably need your prayers the worst, because they will be at their lowest.  It might not make sense, but trust me on this one. 

My battle is not over.  I have conquored a few surgeries, I have defeated chemo, but I am still fighting.  I still have 36 radiation treatments looming in the near future (if my open incision will hurry up and heal), and more surgeries.  But even more than that, I have the next 5+ years to do whatever I can to get healthy, exercise, and try to make sure this cancer doesn't come back. 

And trust me, I will keep fighting- because just when I'm ready to throw in the towel because the reality, the statistics, the studies, the articles, and the doctors have me pinned down- God picks me up, brushes me off, gives me strength and hope, and send me back into the ring to finish the fight, and I don't go alone.  Oh no, I'm not alone.  For he is standing right by  my side, ready to help guide me each step of the fight.  And when I turn around, I see Jamie, my parents, my family, my friends, and my co-workers- all standing on the side of the ring, just waiting for me to tag their hand when I need a break.  And best of all, right behind that army of people waiting to be tagged, I see my three precious children sitting in the front row- cheering as hard as they can, holding signs that say "Keep fighting Mom!"  "We need you!"  "We love you!"  And when I look into their eyes, I know that I cannot give up, even for a minute.  I must do whatever it takes to keep fighting as hard as I can to win this battle.  And that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

Some pictures from Friday

At this moment, I can say that I am finished with CHEMO!  Hooray!  And  I pray that I never have to go through that again, but with the ugly C- that's never a guaranteed thing, so I will be thankful for each day that chemo isn't a part of. 

I am working on a more detailed post about my last chemo treatment and all of the different emotions that went along with it, but it's not ready to post yet.  So for now, I just wanted to share a few pictures with you:

While I was waiting to be called back for my treatment, I saw one of the office workers coming down the hallway with a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  I was shocked when she kept walking right toward me and said they had been delivered for me.  I tore open the card and then cried like a baby.  My wonderful husband had sent these to me, along with a card telling me how proud he was of me.  I am so lucky to have him by my side.  I don't know what I'd do without his support.

Here are some of the IV Therapy nurses who were working Friday.  They are some of the most kind and compassionate nurses I've met.  They took excellent care of me, along with every other patient in the facility.  They have a hard job, but they have been called for a purpose.  They made me feel like a person- not just another chart, not just another person needing chemo- a person, a patient, a mother, a wife, and a friend.  They are angels on earth, with a job that you couldn't pay me enough to do.  Thank you ladies for not only helping me through, but supporting me and caring about me throughout the journey.

             So...here it is.  The last sign.  I did it.  I managed to complete all 16 rounds of chemo.  And I'm still here. 

Thank you, Jesus for picking me up and carrying me on those days I knew I couldn't go another step.  Thank you for lifting the burden of this ugly C off my shoulders so that I could concentrate on just taking care of my body, my spirit, and my family- without the worry or fear of what the future holds.  Help me to always trust in you and just take it one day at a time. 

Almost Complete

Tomorrow is the big day.  It's the day I've been looking forward to (and counting down to) since April 5- the day Jamie and I walked into the oncology office with no clue of what to expect, only knowing that they were about to put poison into my body- and wondering what my body would do in response.

On that day, we were focused on the number 4.  Four of those "Red Devil" Treatments, that I had heard (and read) so much about.  While I didn't know exactly what to expect, I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  And it wasn't.  The sickness, the fatigue, the overall yucky and sick feeling, no appetite, and not being able to get out of my recliner for about 3 days- That pretty much sums up those first 4 treatments. 

We celebrated when those 4 were finished.  I felt such an accomplishment.  I wanted to stop after 3, but I made it through all 4.  Not by myself, nor of my own will power...nope.  Many people played a role in helping me make it through those first 8 weeks. 

Then it was time for the Taxol.  Every week, at least 2 1/2 hours of total medicines, aching, joint pain, possibility of severe allergic reactions, all for 12 weeks.  Every week for 12 weeks?  I can't do that.  There's no recovery time.  How will I ever enjoy my summer at home with my kids if I don't feel well every week? But once again...with the prayers and encouragement of so many people along with God by my side holding my hand, I can ALMOST say "I did it!"

Tomorrow I will have what I hope to be my last round of chemotherapy!  I am beyond excited.  And you know what?  I'm really thankful, too.  When I learned I had cancer and knew I had to have chemo, I really questioned whether or not I had what it took to make it through it.  I heard stories of people who couldn't handle it and quit without having completed all of their treatments.  I wondered if that would be me.  I wondered how bad it would be.  I wondered how I would ever make it through 20 total weeks of treatment.  And now, the end is here.  Tomorrow is the end of the 20 weeks- and I DID IT!  Maybe I should rephrase that...I didn't do it...WE DID IT.  Yes, WE. 

You know who you are.  Each and every one of you who read this blog, or my facebook posts, those of you who have prayed for our family, encouraged us, supported us,  fed us, babysat or provided transportation for my children, visited with us, called, sent cards, sent gifts,  given hugs, helped with homework, listened, provided medical care, administered medication, answered questions...you get the hint.  All of you played a huge role in helping me get through these past 20 weeks.  So I would just like to say THANK YOU!  From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

I got a card in the mail today, and when I read it, I realized just how true and accurate it was, and how the timing of that card was PERFECT.  It read:

"In hard times she had learned three things:

She was STRONGER than she ever imagined,

Jesus was CLOSER than she ever realized,

and She was LOVED more than she ever knew."

Thank you for the love you have shown to my family and me.  I am truly a blessed person. 

Mission Chemo: Almost complete!

Back to School

Yesterday was the first day back to school for everyone.  The summer flew by, but we enjoyed every minute of it.  I can honestly say that I am ready to get back into a routine each day.  I love my job, and I am so thankful for a wonderful school system for my children. 

Kinsley is in third grade this year, which means she moves from the elementary school to the intermediate school.  Yep, she gets to be in the same building that I am in!  She's a little nervous, but after meeting her teacher yesterday, she's also pretty excited! 

Karlie starts Kindergarten this year.  She is VERY excited!  She got the same teacher that Kinsley had for Kindergarten, plus some of her very good friends from church and dayschool are in her class.  She is growing up so fast!  I know she will love school.  She reminds me a lot of me when I was younger.  I don't think she's nervous at all. 

Anderson actually started preschool yesterday, too.  We decided it would be a good idea for him to go to preschool 2 days a week so that he could be around kids his own age.  Social skills and developmental milestones are huge for him this year.  His doctors and early intervention support also agreed this would be a great move for him.  He will still be with Ms. Carla the other 3 days so it's a win/win situation for everyone.  I was really nervous about how he would do at school yesterday, but he had a GREAT day.  In fact, he didn't cry at all- until Jamie picked him up and told him it was time to go home....

So all three kids started school yesterday.  It was a great first day.  I am excited about this school year.  I know it will be a great year for all of them.   



I also started back to work(school) 2 weeks ago.  I am so blessed to be a part of a wonderful school system.  I love my job and I am looking forward to a wonderful school year with a great group of teachers/staff.  I am thankful to feel well enough to continue to work full time.  I have 3 chemotherapy treatments left and then I will begin radiation.  Taking things one day at a time.  Each day is a gift. 

The Latest

I thought I'd take a minute just to update where we are on this journey and how things are going.  I realize I haven't really done that in awhile and when I come back and read this in a year or so, I don't want to forget everything that was a part of this journey.

Out of 16 total chemotherapy treatments, I have completed 10 of them.  I have 6 weeks left of chemo.  As you remember the first 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan were horrible.  Nothing positive to say about those.  The last 6 treatments of Taxol have been much better, MUCH MUCH better.  However, that doesn't mean that there haven't been any symptoms- just that these symptoms are much more tolerable than the others.  I haven't had any sickness, thank goodness.  I do have about 2 days of aches/pains that feel like when you have the flu and it hurts to touch yourself.  A heating pad usually takes care of this.  I also have one day each week where my joints hurt pretty badly.  It's usually my knees and for that day it hurts to walk and climb the stairs at my house.  Again, it's not horrible, but still a side effect.  And the hot flashes- oh my.  I feel like a 65 year old woman going through menopause.  In fact, the chemo makes my body think it's going through menopause.  I think it's supposed to go back to normal eventually, but for now that's my new normal.    Oh, and while my eyebrows and eyelashes continue falling out, the hair on my head is actually starting to grow back already.  At first this scared me and made me wonder if that meant the chemo wasn't working, but after some research I discovered this is quite common.  So..maybe by Christmas I can ditch the wigs.  We'll see. 

I have tried to not let any of these side effects slow me down.  In fact, we have managed to have a GREAT summer break, which is winding down quickly.  I am so thankful for this.  Spending time with my kids during the summer is something I always look forward to, and I am thankful that this summer I was still able to do that.  It would have been hard for me to be sick and not feel well and miss out on all of the summer fun.  It still stinks that I can't swim or get close to water because of my open incision (which I think is healing, just VERY slowly), but as long as water isn't involved I've been able to enjoy all summer activities. 

So, what's next?  Well, I have 6 more weeks of chemo.  Then I will meet with a radiation oncologist who will put together my plan for radiation.  It will probably be either 6 or 7 weeks of radiation, with the beam(s) directed toward the place under my arm where the positive lymph nodes were removed.  I should start radiation sometime in September or early October. 

After radiation, I still have to schedule reconstructive surgery.  Once that is all completed, I still have the other side to worry about since it wasn't removed as planned in the initial surgery.  For now, though, I try to take one day/week at a time.  While I do try to plan out the timing of the looming events, I don't linger on them.  Let's just cross one thing off at a time. 

Mentally I am at a good place with all this.  I've had my moments, but try to not allow myself to think about it as "Surviving Stage 3 Cancer".  Instead I just look at this journey as a checklist and focus my time and energy into checking things off the list one at a time.  I'm not sure if that's the "right" way to do this or not, but it's how I've decided to handle it.  I refuse to get down, I refuse to give up, so I will continue to fight.  Worrying doesn't accomplish anything or help fight the battle, so worrying is not allowed. 

I get up everyday with a purpose.  Thank you to all of you who have commented how good I look in pictures.  I've taken the "Look good, Feel Better" approach.  Maybe if I look healthy and look like I feel good, then I will be healthy.  Ha!  Not really, but kind of.  It does make me feel good inside to feel like I am put together on the outside.  I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone other than those who have been in my shoes, but there's something about not wanting to look sick or look like you are in the battle of your life to help keep yourself positive about the whole thing. 

Life goes on.  The journey continues.  And I'm still fighting.  With the best support system around.  Thanks!  Love you guys!

Paths Cross for a Reason

It was nearing the end of the school year, and I had completed my 3rd round of the "Red Devil".  For some reason I was not bouncing back as quickly as I had with the first 2, and I had become very discouraged.  I was frustrated and when I looked at the long road of chemo still left to be traveled, it seemed endless.  I wanted to give up.  I just didn't feel good and wondered how long it would be before I felt half "normal" again. 

I walked Kinsley up the sidewalk that led from my school to hers, and one of the second grade teachers, also a friend of mine, opened the door for us.  When she asked how I was feeling/doing, I think she could tell I wasn't at a good point.  She started telling me about a book she had read recently that I really needed to read.  Another book about breast cancer? No thanks is what I thought, but I politely said "Really?  What's it called? Maybe I should check it out."  She proceeded to tell me that this girl was young when diagnosed, had 2 kids, wrote on a blog, and the book was her blog that was later published.   Hmmmm.... Now I was getting interested...As she kept telling me little parts of the book, like how this girl threw her hands in the air after her third red devil and wanted to give up, I knew I had to get my hands on that book. 

No worries.  She had already ordered me a copy- she would have let me borrow hers, but it was on her Kindle- so she had already ordered me a hard copy because somehow she KNEW how much I needed this book. 

The day she brought me the book, I couldn't wait to get started reading.  I was craving hearing the story of someone I could relate to- someone who truly understood where I was and what I was going through.  I had been trying to find blogs/books/real people- anyone who I could find to relate to.  What was it exactly I needed from them?  At this point I wasn't sure, but I knew I needed this book.

I read this book quickly.  I couldn't put it down.  I laughed hysterically, cried painfully, and cheered victoriously as I read through her journey.  I could relate to all of the emotions and battles that she discussed in the book.  I wanted to shout "YES!  I understand.  YES!  That is exactly how it feels.  YES That is how I would describe it, too!"  Some of the pages I would read out loud to Jamie and he would sit in awe as I read, not believing that someone else had written the words- because it sounded just like some of my own blog posts.  

When I finished the book, it left me wanting more.  I didn't want the story to end.  I still had so many questions.  The book ended when her treatments and radiation were over.  "But how is she now?  What's happening with her now?  Is she still okay?  Is she healthy? Does she think about cancer everyday or has she moved on?"   I needed to know.  Is there another book?  Has she continued to update her blog?  I just had to know more. 

So that Sunday at church, I told my friend how much I enjoyed the book, and how I didn't want it to end.  I explained to her how I needed to know MORE.  She agreed.  "Doesn't she seem just like us?  Can't you imagine her being one of our friends?  She just seems so real and llike such a neat person.  I'll bet she and her friends would get along with all of us really well.  What if we could MEET her?"  Meet her?  Really?  How would that work?  I could just imagine trying to get in touch with her and her thinking "Who are these crazy people?  Do they really think I want to meet them?"

However, my friend was on a mission.  She could tell how much I related to this author.  She made it her goal to find her, contact her, and try to get us together for a meeting.  She found her email address, and sat down and wrote one of the most beautiful and inspiring emails a friend could write.  The next thing I knew, plans were in place for a trip to Missouri- to meet the author, the person who had been on this same journey and survived, the girl who had written so honestly and openly about her journey, the one who I had so many questions to ask following the book. 

It's really not my typical personality to plan a trip 5 hours away to go see someone I don't even know.  But I never thought twice about it.  Once I knew that she wanted to meet us, we couldn't get the trip planned quickly enough.  So last weekend, right after my chemo treatment, two friends and I headed north to Missouri- on a trip that we were all both excited and nervous about.  I couldn't wait to meet her, but what if she wasn't anything like I pictured her as I read her book?  What if things were awkward and it was hard to keep conversation going?  What if she didn't like us or thought we were crazy?  So many questions raced through my mind.

We met her at a local restaurant Friday night.  The three of us arrived first.  Then I received a text that said "I'm here."  And my stomach dropped.  It's time.  The three of us turned to look around to see if we could spot this person we had traveled 5 hours to meet, and we saw her immediately.   She came up to us, we did our introductions, and from that point forward, there was no lapse in coversation until we left the restaurant 3 hours later.  Instead of meeting a new friend, it seemed as if we were visiting an old friend that we hadn't seen in awhile.  She was exactly how I had pictured her:  Strong, funny, real, down-to-Earth, a survivor, a mother, a wife, a friend.  At this point, I still didn't realize exactly WHY I needed to meet her so badly.  What was it that I needed from her? 

The night was wonderful.  We sat and ate, and talked, and shared stories, and had the best visit I could have imagined.  After dinner we went outside and took pictures- this was a memory being made and we wanted plenty of picutres to capture the night.   Here's just one:

The next day, we went to the small town where she lives and got to meet her family.  The experience was one that I will never forget.  I have met a new friend along this journey- one who I am so thankful for our paths to have crossed.  I have been so uplifted from meeting her.  I have a new outlook on this journey.  I know I CAN do this!  I will come out victorious on the other side, and when there are bumps along the road, I have many friends who will be right there by my side to help me get through it.

After we got home from our trip, I received an email from Becky.  It was her words describing what that weekend visit had meant to her, and for the first time, I realized what it was I needed from her... She describes it to a tee...In her own words, "And then there was you, Andrea.  I think your goal was to meet a survivor sister, to gather courage and strength for your artillery from someone who had been there already.  You were seeking validation that you were doing it right, that you were fighting hard enough, that you were winning."  Yes.  That's exactly what I needed.  I hadn't realized it, but I needed to meet her so badly, just to make sure I was doing it right.  Am I doing enough?  Am I doing everything I should to come out successful?  Yes.  I needed exactly what she gave me.  Validation. 

I have been so blessed by getting to meet Becky and really get to know her.  The trip to Missouri is one that I will always remember.  In fact, we are discussing another meeting in the near future.  All four of us walked away from this trip gaining something we each needed, not needing the same things, but still getting something from the visit to hold on to.  It was not by chance that this meeting happened to come together so easily.  No, our paths crossed for a reason, for many reasons, and I am thankful to God that things fell into place exactly when and how I needed them to in order for our paths to cross. 

Speechless!

If you aren't sure if you believe in the power of prayer, you've got to check this out. It's the blog of sweet Lucy, the 5 year old I have asked you to pray for many times. Just 2 Mondays ago her parents were preparing for her funeral, as she was very sick and had been told her cancer had returned and she wasn't expected to live long. I encourage you to go to the blog and see the transformation Lucy has made, after people from all over the globe started praying and pleading with God on her behalf. It truly gives me chills! Miracles do still happen today and this is one of them. Http://erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com

You know it's a good day when...

1.you see a wonderful picture of Lucy awake and smiling. 2.anderson gets a great checkup at his 2 year visit. 3. You feel so good you convince your husband to let you push mow the front yard. Yep. Add that in with a night spent outside with your family and then some family time eating popcorn and watching Dog the Bounty Hunter... I'd call it a great day.

Chemotherapy

As you probably remember from another post, my chemotherapy schedule is in 2 phases.  Phase 1 consisted of Adriamycin (a.k.a. Red Devil) and Cytoxan.  These were given every other week for 8 weeks (4 total treatments).  Then phase 2 is Taxol given every week for 12 weeks.  This past Friday I began Phase 2!!!  Yahoo!  If I had to think of one word to describe Phase 1 it would be HORRIFIC!  That combination of medicines really kicks you and gets you down.  I just hope it did as much damage to the cancer cells as it did to my healthy cells.  Whew.  Each treatment made me very sick for 3-4 days.  I also had to get a shot of Neulasta the day after chemo to help increase my white blood cell count.  This shot made me feel like I had the flu x 100!  I ached and hurt all over.  I hurt just to be touched- it was difficult to put on makeup and even lying down in bed hurt.  Whoever came up with 4 treatments of that combination is a genius because I can honestly say that if I knew I had to do more than 4, I'm not sure I could have done it.  Just when I started to feel "normal' again, it was time for the next treatment.   I did still work during the treatments except for treatment days and the day after, then I recovered all weekend and went back to work on Monday.  It wasn't always easy, but being at work made me feel like I had a purpose and kept me busy so that I didn't just sit around letting my mind wander (which I have found this summer is NOT a good thing).  But let me say, I have never been so thankful to have completed something in my life!

So, how is Phase 2?  Well, I've been both looking forward to and dreading phase 2 all at the same time.  I had read and had heard from others that phase 2 is not near as bad as phase 1, symptomatically speaking.  However, I also knew my body and knew that "I" tend to not have the same experience as others.  "Worst case scenario" tends to somehow end up being my Plan A, and I have gotten pretty used to preparing for Plan B.  So I had no idea whether or not my body would have the same experiences as the others. 

I hate to speak too soon or to jinx anything, but the first treatment of phase 2 was WONDERFUL! Well, as wonderful as chemotheraphy can be at least.  I did not have any sickness at all.  I had a full appetite, had great energy, and felt great.  The only side effects were from the huge dose of steroids, as well as some joint pain/body aches.  But this girl is not complaining about any of those!  I can handle that- as long as I am not sick!

So right now I don't dread the next 11 weeks nearly as bad as I did just a few weeks ago.  I know 11 weeks sound like a long time, but I will have my last treatment the 3rd week of school- and I know how quickly July will fly by and school will be here before I know it.  When I first started treatment, a great friend of mine made a paper link chain and hung it in my office.  There were 16 links total- one for each treatment.  Each time I finish a treatment, a link gets torn off.  It's like a visual countdown for me and I LOVE watching that chain get smaller and smaller. 

So for the time being, my spirits are up and I am determined to fight and kick this thing in the butt!  All of those thoughts of being finished and wanting to stop the chemo are now gone.  I have a new motto to live by during this journey.  I heard it on Good Morning America on Monday when Robin Roberts announced about her latest diagnosis.   She said that she has to "Focus on the FIGHT, not the FRIGHT."  Wow!  Good stuff.  So I have decided to use that as my daily motto.  I will focus on fighting and kicking this thing in the butt- I will not allow myself to focus on the fears of having stage 3 cancer.  I am a FIGHTER and I must stay focused on my goal! 

One of Many Firsts

There are times in this journey that something happens that makes me feel horrible.  I mean, really horrible.  Things like the number of people who continue to take the time to send cards of encouragement- something I always have good intentions of doing when I know someone is having a hard time or on a journey of their own- but never quite get around to doing.  Things like people who go out of their way to find something to do to help make things a little easier, because they knew we wouldn't ask.  Why do those types of things make me feel horrible?  Because it makes me realize how selfish I've been in the past and how I have lived in a world engulfed by my own little "bubble" where the only things that mattered were things that pertained to me or to my family or close friends. 

A few weeks ago, I had the honor to attend a local event that made me have "one of those moments".  You see, it was not the first time for the event.  No, it had taken place for several years.  It wasn't that I had never heard of the event- nope.  I had heard of others who had participated.  But, I guess because I never had a direct tie to the cause for the event, I never paid much attention.  In fact, I paid so little attention that I had no idea just how the event would impact my life.   I was not emotionally prepared for such an event. 

What was it?  It was our local Relay For Life.  Wow.  How had I missed this all these years?  Oh yea, that's right.  I didn't have cancer and I didn't have any family members with cancer, so why bother?  AGH!  How selfish of me!  And to be completely honest, I wouldn't have gone this year if it hadn't been for our local Pediatric Clinic (where my mother-in-law works) asking me to be there because their team was walking in honor of another employee and myself. "Sure, I'll come for a little while," is what I thought.  I had no idea how wonderful that night was going to be emotionally to help me in this journey. 

If you've never been to a Relay for Life event, make a promise right now to find one to be a part of, if not this year then next.  Jamie and I took the kids, my parents also came, along with my sister and her family, and my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law.  We all had an absolute blast! There were so many different activities going on besides just walking around the track, but the walking around the track is probably what had the biggest impact on me and my journey. 

First of all, anyone who is currently battling cancer or is already a survivor all wears the same shirts.  So everywhere you look, you can see many others who understand your journey.  They know best, because they've either been there/done that, or they are doing it right now.  This year's shirts were purple and across the back of the shirt it says "SURVIVOR".  If I'm being completely honest I felt weird wearing it because right now I don't feel like a survivor, maybe mine should have said "FIGHTER".  Anywho...I was reminded that you become a survivor the minute you are diagnosed.  So I wore my purple shirt with pride.  To begin the event, the first lap is walked by everyone in the purple shirts.  The rest of the crowd gathers around the track to cheer on the survivors.  And as we walked, I read the names of so many written on the bags that lined the track.  And then to see 4 bags with my own name on them!  Wow.  Powerful stuff.  I did my best to hold it together, even though I'm not very good at that kind of thing.  But then, for the 2nd lap, they had all of the caregivers join us to walk a lap.  So Jamie and my mom joined me (along with Karlie, who didn't want to miss any action) and we walked the second lap.  I held it together pretty well, until the DJ started playing the Martina McBride song that tells my story almost to a tee, except that I'm only 32.  At that point, I lost it.  And like he always does, Jamie simply put his arm around me.  No words were needed.  With that one movement I knew it was okay.  It was okay to cry, it was okay to be scared, it was okay to have doubts and fears- because no matter what, he will love me through it and never leave my side. 

After those 2 laps we spent time visiting with many people and participating in the activities they had- not to mention all the fabulous food available.   We heard of the Luminairia Ceremony that would take place at 9pm and I was not about to leave before that event.  It was so powerful!  All of the bags (luminaria) were lit to line the track. 

Then all of the lights around the stadium were shut off, and many people had purchased glow sticks for the ceremony.  So in the complete darkness, other than the candles in the bags, it was announced..."If you are a survivor, please break your glow stick now."  And all around you saw lights begin to glow.  Next "If you are a caregiver or family member, please break your glow stick now."  And more lights lit up.  And finally, "If you know someone affected by cancer and you support them on their journey, please break your glowstick now."  Just to see all of the glowing lights around the stadium was powerful.  To know that even though at times I feel all alone and like no one truly understands what this journey is like, there are always others out there who have been through or are going through the same thing.  Then, they began to read the names of those affected by cancer.  Some names were in memory of, some in honor of, and others in support of...This was probably one of the hardest parts of the night.  Yes I knew they were going to read my name, but there's something about hearing your very own name read in that context...almost a type of validity, that yes, I indeed have joined a group of people who I never intended to join- but for that matter, neither did they.  I have joined a group where the support is tremendous, but not one person in the group wanted to become a part of that group, and I really wonder if that feeling ever changes.  Somehow I doubt it.  But I think the hardest part about being a part of this group is the unknown.  There were a lot more names of those who had lost their battle, than there were for the survivors and current fighters.  When you are in the group, that's something you notice.  When people join this group, some survive and some don't  That's just fact.  And I truly believe that each of them began their membership ready to FIGHT!  But sometimes no matter how hard the fight, the cancer wins.  And this event is to "Celebrate, Remember, and Fight Back!"  So we celebrated those who have won the battle, remembered those who hadn't, and pledged to Fight Back alongside someone we know/love. 

Jamie and I have promised to make this an annual event for our family from now on.  Not just because I now have cancer, but because we know how wonderful of an event this is.  I am embarrassed by the fact that I have never been until now.  This event is one way that I plan to "Pay it Forward" in the future.  It is an event that next year, I can't wait to wear the shirt that says "SURVIVOR" and actually feel like one!  And maybe next year, there will be someone there that has just joined our club, someone who needs some support and encouragement from those who have walked their shoes, from someone who understands the journey they are walking,  just like I did this year.  And I pray that I will no longer just have good intentions of ministering to and encouraging others, but actually be able to follow through and make a difference.  Please consider finding your nearest Relay for Life event and getting involved! 

A HUGE thank you to the Columbia Pediatric Clinic doctors/nurses/staff for a wonderful night.  Thank you for letting me be a part of your team.  Thank you for your love and support!  That is a night that I will never ever forget!

Where do I even start?

I've been really having a hard time getting motivated to write lately.  I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I just can't seem to sit down and write on the blog.  Not that nothing has been happening, in fact, it could be quite the opposite- so much has happened that I don't know where to start.  I mean there was Kinsley's birthday, Karlie's preschool graduation,  Jamie's and my 10 year anniversary, Anderson's birthday, the Relay for Life, sweet Lucy, or anything to do with cancer and the journey we are on..but for some reason I could not bring myself to sit down at the computer and pick something to write about- I mean, can a birthday post be smushed in between posts about chemotherapy?   I don't' know.  Maybe I need more than one blog.  One for family stuff, one for Anderson's story, and one for cancer... Well if I keep those updated as much as I do haven't done this one lately it would be a waste of time.  Oh well.  Maybe I can find my motivation.  Quit worrying about WHAT to write and just write!  So, I'm going to just start somewhere and go with it!  (Now that I got that off my chest...)  So my goal is to do one post every day for the next 2 weeks.  It may be a hodgepodge of topics, but if I ever get around to getting the blog printed into a hard copy (like I've been meaning to do) I will have most of the topics covered that I have missed. 

So,  let's start with birthdays....
Kinsley turned 8 this past month.  She is such a caring and nurturing little girl.  She is maturing every day, and she is so helpful with Anderson.  She has handled all of the changes in our family with such grace.  She wants to help however she can whether it be with Anderson, or helping me do something, or getting something for me, or helping clean up the kitchen after supper.  We don't want to put too much on her, but we have allowed her to pick up a few more responsibilities around the house and she has done great!  She is a natural worrier, so Jamie and I try to protect her from the really yucky sides of having a mom with cancer.  While she doesn't fully understand what cancer is, she does know it's not a good thing.  But as long as she sees me feeling well and being able to do the things we've always done, she is okay with it.  She is even getting used to seeing my bald head when we are at home.  (She still refuses to let me go in public like that, though, which is okay with me.)  She asks a lot of questions about when I have to have that horrible medicine again or when will I be finished with that medicine, but once I answer her questions, she seems content and goes on with whatever it was she was doing. 

She will be starting 3rd grade this year, which moves her up into the same school that I work.  I am excited to have her in the same building, I just hope she continues to thrive like she has the past 3 years.  You know how some kids are, they are fine when their parents aren't around, but then they melt and act like they can't do anything when one of them show up...well, in the past that's how Kinsley has been, but I'm hoping she will continue to be just as independent this year as in the past.  I can't believe how fast she is growing up.  It really seems just like yesterday I walked her in for her first day of Kindergarten and cried like a baby (both of us).  I look forward to watching her grow.  She has such a big heart.  I hope she stays that way.  She told me she wants at least 5 kids when she grows up, but she'll keep having babies until she gets a boy as sweet as Anderson.  (Ha!  We'll see how long that lasts!) 

Speaking of Anderson...
This little guy celebrated his 2nd birthday on June 1st.  Wow!  What a long way he has come in 2 years.  We have some developmental checkups coming in the next 2 weeks, and I'm pretty sure he's going to come out with flying colors.  He is doing so great right now!  His shunt seems to be working correctly (fingers crossed), he has met his physical milestones up to this point, his cognitive skills are still advanced, and he's just a little behind with his speech.  He's talking, but not putting words together yet as much as he should be.  We may do a little speech therapy, or we may just give him time.  We'll see what the doctors think at his visits.  I can honestly tell you that 2 years ago we had no idea that at this point we would be able to say that he is doing so well.  We had no idea what to expect.  And that is really no different than today- we don't know what to expect for the next year or longer- we don't know what his life will be like.  We pray that he continues to do as well as he has so far.  We pray that we continue to give him whatever he needs to be successful, and we pray God will use his life for a purpose.  And even though we never know when the shunt is going to malfunction, and we don't know how Anderson will continue to develop, we are so thankful for him and the joy he has brought our family.  I can't imagine life without him.  He is a true blessing.  I know there are big things in store for him as he grows and I can't wait to watch them unfold.  I am so thankful God chose me to be his mom.  Thank you to each one of you who have prayed for him and stood beside our family ever since that 20 week ultrasound that revealed he would be born with challenges to overcome.  And overcome them he is...each day he does something new that amazes me. 

Small Victories and Catching Up

Celebrating some small victories that I thought I would share with you tonight...

1.   The first phase of my chemotherapy treatments are complete!  I did manage to survive the Red Devil and Cytoxan!  No more of those (hopefully forever!)

2.  My open wound from this past surgery is doing a little better than we thought it would.  I don't want to jinx myself, but it's actually beginning to slowly heal on its own without a wound vac for the time being.  We will keep praying about this one.

3.  School is out for summer and I have been able to spend some wonderful time outside with the kids playing.  Looking forward to more of those days.

Now...  I have really gotten behind on posting some pictures./videos of things that have happened lately.  So, here's a hodge podge.  I hope you enjoy!

Kinsley turned 8 on May 14th!  She graduated from 2nd grade and will be at my school next year as a 3rd grader.  I am so proud of the person she is becoming.  She has a big heart and is quite the little mommy to her brother, which tends to drive him crazy at times.  

Karlie also graduated from her Dayschool and will be going to Kindergarten in the fall.  She is very excited about going to "Real School".   I was so proud of her at graduation.  She sang all the songs and when they asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, she said "A Physical Therapist".  She later told Jamie and me that she wants to be just like Ms. Peggy and help babies like Anderson learn how to walk!  What a big heart she has! 

Anderson is doing great!  He LOVES to be outside and so that's where he spends most of his day.  He loves to drive the Gator (or Barbie Jeep- whichever is charged!)  all around the cul-de-sac where we live.  He has no fear and thinks it's fun to jump the curbs and run into mailboxes.  This little fella is about to celebrate a birthday in the next week, so be watching for a post with more pics and videos of my miracle boy. 

And finally...I realized that I never posted a video or pictures on here from Karlie's dance recital.  The pictures made it onto my facebook page, but I never even mentioned it on here that I was able to go.  Sorry about that.   I cannot seem to get the video to post, but here are a few pictures.  (I will keep working on the video.  It is just so good, I would love for you to see it.)

As you can see, life doesn't stop just  because you get a cancer diagnosis.  Nope, life goes on, one day at a time.  It's not always easy, but each moment is more cherished, each memory one to remember forever.  I am truly blessed!

Just what I needed...

Sometimes things are placed in your life at a certain moment- at just the right time.  That's exactly what happened to me this week.  Some of you who are really close to me know that I've been struggling for the past 2 weeks about this whole chemo plan laid out for me.  I have questioned whether it is worth it to do it as "pre-cautionary" measures.  As far as the doctors know, my cancer was all removed during my mastectomy.  The chemo and radiation are there just in case any cells were left behind, as well as to help decrease the chances of it returning.  I had such a hard recovery from the 3rd treatment, that I started questioning whether it was worth it.  I mean, couldn't I just take my chances and enjoy my summer break with my kids, enjoy spending time on the weekend with my husband, make plans for outings with friends and family.   I mean, is it worth it to have to always check the chemo schedule before making plans, trying to decide if I will feel good enough to participate in that activity?  If I have complete Faith in God and his healing, then why not just take my chances?  If God's plan for my life is for me to have cancer, and then be healed completely of it, then I truly believe that's what will happen.  If his plan is different, if He already knows that my cancer will spread or come back later, or (dare I even mention it) that I lose this battle, then no matter how much medicine or poison or radiation or surgery, I truly believe that will happen.  You see, I must always pray for HIS will, not mine.  So that has been my inner struggle for the past 2 weeks.  I have talked to some close friends and family about it, and they have been wonderful to just listen, without telling me I was crazy for even considering such a thing.  I think that's a lot of what I needed.  I just needed to talk myself through it, out loud.  I needed someone to listen, I needed them to say no matter what I decided they would stand by me in my decision. 

I had pretty much come to the realization that although my thoughts were probably normal for anyone who has been on (or is going through) this cancer journey, it was a little crazy in all reality.  No matter how much this journey stinks, or how badly I feel, I owe it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I owe it to a lot of people to fight this battle with all of my might.  I can not give up.  I have too many people fighting along side me to simply raise the white flag and give in. 

I was just beginning to come around to this realization, when all of a sudden Wednesday night I noticed a place under my incision that was swollen and discolored.  And when I touched it, it hurt.  It was really sore.  It was reallly ugly (and gross).  So I racked my brain to try to figure out what in the world it could be.  I had no idea.  What makes something swell up 2 months after surgery, when everything is healed well?

I called my plastic surgeon Thursday morning as soon as they opened and told them I probably needed to come in.  I was seen that afternoon when I got off from work, and once again, he was able to pull off some fluid.  Not just a little fluid with no other concerns, but fluid that was yellow and gross.  Fluid that needed cultured.  Yes, I had another infection on my mastectomy side.  It really makes no sense because there isn't anything in there to really cause infection, especially 2 months after the last surgery for infection.  But, normal or not, that's where I was.  Thankfully I caught it early enough that I hadn't gotten sick(yet)  like last time. 

So, my 4th of the really aggressive chemo treatments was postponed until next week, and I had outpatient surgery this morning to clean out all of the infection again.  While none of it really makes perfect sense medically, it is absolute perfect timing for me.  It helped me to realize that I am still in this battle fighting and I CAN NOT give up.  The chemo, although hated, is not just for pre-cautionary measures.  It is absolutely needed and this most recent surgery helped me realize that 100%. 

So the infection was cleaned out, my wound has been left open so infection can continue to drain (sorry if you have a weak stomach), and the discolored skin taken off and sent to be biopsied (just in case).  We are waiting to see what the cultures grow from the fluid that was removed so that they will know what medication I need to be on, and whether I can take it by mouth or need IV antibiotics.  We also will await the biopsy results of the skin and hope that it is benign.    The healing of my wound will be a long process due to my body's deacreased healing ability from chemo.  We will start by packing the incision, but we may eventually end up with a wound vac.  Either way, any swimming this summer is out of the question.  It will probably be a long healing process.  But I must simply remind myself that this is temporary.  This too shall pass.  This is just another bump in the road, but I will come down the other side and continue the journey. 

While I was a little disappointed that the final of the bad treatments had to be rescheduled because I was ready to get it over with, I have been able to enjoy some much needed time with my husband for our 10th anniversary.  We thought we would spend it with me sleeping in the recliner all weekend, too sick to do anything, but we were able to go out to eat last night on a little anniversary date.  We got to sit outside tonight and watch the kids play.  And tomorrow we get to simply relax and be lazy all day together.  So that is a small blessing among the latest bump in the road.  Also, tonight you would never know I've had surgery today.  There is no pain, no medicine, no sleeping.  I feel great.  If it weren't for the bandages and dressing, I would probably forget I had surgery today. 

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and encouragement.  They mean the world to me and keep me going each day, but especially the bad ones.  Please don't stop. 

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful Husband!  I love you Jamie with all of my heart.  I couldn't do this without you.  You've been there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I know this is all just as hard on you as it is me, but thank you for being my tower of strength when I need it.  We will get through this TOGETHER and come out stronger on the other side.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally!

It just stinks

So, my last post was on the positive side of dealing with a cancer diagnosis- this one is just the opposite.  Not to be Debbie Downer, but sometimes this journey just stinks.  I try to remember to take things one day at a time, but some days are definitely better than others. 

After this third treatment, I have really struggled.  I've struggled with side effects, I've struggled getting back to feeling halfway "normal" after the treatment, I've struggled with a lot of WHY questions, and I've struggled with looking toward the future.  A lot of people tell me how strong they think I am- so maybe this post needs a disclaimer...after reading this post you may not see me as strong.  In fact, you may even see my weak side, because lately I haven't really felt very strong.

You know what stinks?  It stinks to spend an entire 4 days laid up in a recliner, with barely enough energy to walk to the bathroom.  It stinks to spend an entire weekend listening to your kids playing outside and wishing so badly to be out there with them.  It stinks to spend your husband's birthday sleeping in a recliner all day.  It stinks to feel sick to your stomach, I mean really sick, with little to no relief.  It stinks to ache so badly that simply laying in bed on a pillow hurts.   It stinks to not have a head full of hair to fix however you want.  It stinks to sit in a room with 4 other people watching as the nurses administer their doses of poison for the week- to hear their stories, to see their fragile hairless bodies, and to wonder how badly you will look when this is all over.  It stinks to wonder when (or if) this battle will be over.  It stinks to know that after these 4 horrible treatments, there are 12 more treatments still waiting to be administered.  Oh yeah, then there are at least 6 weeks of radiation, then more surgery...wow.  Will it ever end?  It stinks to try so hard to be positive, but then Satan still allows those moments of fear and doubt to creep in on almost a daily basis.  It stinks to try to think about the future.  Seriously.  I do try to stay  positive, and I do trust and pray that God will heal me, but...

I know I haven't posted a lot throughout this journey like I had planned to do.  I just haven't really had anything that I was really inspired to write about.  In fact, some nights I sit at the computer to write a post, and NOTHING comes.  Not even a few sentences.  Other times I am either too sick to think about writing, or I feel so good that I am busy enjoying life with no time to post. 

So why this post?  Why share these feelings?  Why not just keep this to myself and put a smile on my face and keep going?  Well, because if you read my profile to the right, it says that we may not be interesting, but we are real.  If I'm going to share the good and positive things, then I must also be transparent and share the not so pretty side as well.  If I am going to post along this journey, then I promise to not only post good stuff- that would be fake.  No one enjoys cancer or any part of it.  Trying to make it appear that way is extremely inaccurate.  You gotta take the good with the bad, and tonight Cancer stinks.  I hate that I have it.  I hate that my kids know the word so well.  I hate that they have to ask when I get more medicine to make me sick again.  I hate having to make summer plans around treatment days so as not to interfere.  I just hate everything about it.  No I don't need medicinefor depression.  I will be fine.  I will keep taking things one day at a time and keep moving forward.  But tonight, I'm just mad.  Tonight I wonder "Why me?"  Tonight I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream "I am finished!  No more chemo!"  Tonight I am allowing myself to have a pity-party. 

But the good news is...There's always tomorrow.   Tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow I will get up, put a smile on my face, thank God for another day on the earth, and take another step forward.  Tomorrow I will remind myself that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, and I will remind myself that God is right  by my side holding my hand and cheering me on. 

The Pros of Cancer

Sounds like a terrible title for a post, huh?  Can there really be "Pros" to having cancer?  I think so.  Everyone has an idea of the bad parts of cancer, I mean, even just saying the word sends chills down the spines of most.  But I think it's important to also be able to see the good in every situation- even a cancer diagnosis. 

So what kind of good things can I say about cancer?  Here's the list I've started so far...and I plan to keep adding to it throughout this journey, because I know there will be many more.

• Support- The amount of support that our family is getting from so many people is absolutely overwhelming. I see people that I don't even know wearing "Andrea's Army" t shirts and bracelets.  I get cards in the mail from people I have never met.  And then there's the people I do know...and that Army is a big one!  I couldn't ask for a better support system to help get me through this.   
• Prayers- There is no greater comfort than knowing your name is being lifted up in prayer by a huge group of people.  It's just that feeling of wondering if God gets tired of hearing my name each day (which I know he doesn't) that puts a smile on my face.  I like to think of it as a child who really, really wants something and they keep asking over and over..."Please, mommy, please...please...mommy?, mommy? please?"  until the mother just wants to say 'Ok- whatever you want, just please quit asking."  Seriously I know that is not a good comparison, but just thinking about all of the prayer warriors out there bringing our family's name before God makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  :)
• The Little Things- The big C rocks your world when you first get the diagnosis, but as you begin the journey you realize just how special those little moments are in the big picture.  Healthy Andrea would have enjoyed going to Karlie's dance recital, but cancer Andrea realized what a special event it was- memories being made that we will look back on for years to come.  Little things, like snuggling on the couch, mean so much more now than they did pre-diagnosis.  Not that they didn't matter, just that they matter more now.  I try to take each moment with my kids and make the most of it, especially while I'm feeling good.  Because on the weekends after treatments, I don't really get to be a mom. 
• Stronger relationships- My relationships have all been strengthened through all of this.  My parents, my siblings, friends, everyone I am around- but especially with Jamie.  He has been so good through all of this.  I really don't even know how to put into words how thankful I am for him.  I know this has not been easy on him, but he has handled all of it with such grace and strength.  He is a super-dad, super-husband, super-caretaker..I could go on and on.  He has stepped up to the plate, faced all the changes head on, and has never complained even once.  I couldn't ask for a better husband to support me and help me get through this journey. 
• Planting a seed- So many people have shared with me stories of people who have been touched by our story.  Please don't take this one the wrong way, because I am not taking credit for any of this, but God is bringing people to him through our story.  Some people are praying more, some are realizing what is most important in life, some are questioning their own relationships, some are deciding to start a relationship with God.  I love to hear these stories.  They really have absolutely nothing to do with me or my family, but it's God shining through our situation to bring others to Him.  And if even one person gets closer to God from hearing our story, then it is all worth it in the end. 

Thank you to each one of you who have a part in our journey.  Your support and prayers hold us up on the bad days.  Please don't take this post to mean that I am glad I have cancer, or that it's not a big deal.  Because that is not even close to being accurate.  Cancer stinks.  Seriously.  There are plenty of things about it that could get you down and keep you down, but I am determined to keep things in perspective.  I take it one day at a time.  Some days are good, some are horrible.  But rather than dwelling on the bad, I choose to try to find the good in each situation.  I pray a lot, and when I'm down I try to find scriptures to lift me up, to help me feel God's presence, because I know he's there by my side, holding my hand.  He will never let go...and for that, I am truly thankful.