when you get the news you hoped you'd never have to hear? What do you do when you find out you're not a survivor, but still a fighter, and the battle just got more intense? What do you do when you're given a time limit on how long you could possibly live?
Well, those are the questions that Jamie and I were faced with today at my doctor's appointment. We went in with smiles and feeling positive about a good visit. When we left, we were in such a state of shock we didn't really know what to say or do.
But it didn't take long for my mind to realize the information that we had just been told. It didn't take long for the tears to start flowing. Jamie and I have had to have some conversations lately that no 32 year old couple should have to have. (But unfortunately we aren't the first and won't be the last.) But our faith is strong and we believe deep down that no matter what happens in this situation, God is still in control. While we don't understand, HE does. Only HE knows the big picture and knows what possible reason our family could be walking through this valley. But no matter how deep the valley gets, he's walking by our side.
So what do we do? We cry, we sob, we mourn, and then we keep living, keep fighting, and keep praying. That's it. Simple as that. We do not stop living life. We just keep moving. We try to keep our lives as normal as possible, and make the most of every minute of every single day.
So don't be shocked if you see me at school (tomorrow) or at church or out at ballgames. I am not going into hiding just because I now have Stage IV cancer. No- quite the opposite. I will be out more, doing more, and enjoying everything I can.
Our family will stand strong through this. One thing I can promise- I will not lay down and quit fighting. I'm too stubborn. I do not give up or give in easily. It's me against cancer and I can promise that no matter who wins, it will not be an easy fight for either side.
I'm absolutely overwhelmed by all of the messages, texts, emails, cards, calls, etc. I haven't been able to respond to any of them tonight. The comfort that I feel from having our family lifted in prayer throughout the day is intense. Thank you for that. I will try to respond as best I can, but please keep in mind that we are still processing all of this.
One thing I ask...please be sensitive to what you say if any of my children are present. We are still protecting them from this awful situation as much as we can. They know more cancer has been found, and that mom may have more doctor's appointments again, but we've pretty much left it at that. I'd rather them not have the stress and worries that come with this diagnosis- not yet. I know there will come a time when they have to be given more information, but now is not the time.
Keep living, keep praying, and keep fighting- That's my plan.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Remembering that MIRACLES DO HAPPEN
As I think about the week ahead of us, I continue to be filled with many emotions. Up until today, the majority of those emotions were not the most positive. Honestly- this time around has been so much more difficult emotionally. It's been hard to keep my spirits up, but I am trying. However, there was something about the love, encouragement, hugs, sermon, and class at church this morning that allowed me to take a step back and breathe a little easier. I can't pinpoint exactly what it was or exactly what happened, but I can honestly say that I've been more positive in my thoughts this afternoon and this evening.
In fact, as I sat back and watched Anderson running around the playroom, throwing football with Jamie, dancing to music with his sisters, and talking non-stop, I was reminded of how deep of a valley we were once in right after he was born. If you have followed this blog since Anderson's birth (or even before) you may remember THIS POST which was written 5 days after his birth. I wrote that particular post on a Sunday evening. It had been a horrible day all the way around. I was miserable from not getting the rest and recovery I needed after the C-section, I was sitting in the NICU and still didn't know if my infant son would require surgery or not, my feet were swollen so badly I could hardly wear shoes, and I missed both of my sweet angels who were at home being taken care of by family. It was that post where I shared that the Pediatrician in the NICU had stopped by our room earlier that day and showed us Anderson's first MRI. All of the details can be found in that post, but the main thing we were told that dreary Sunday afternoon was that our precious baby boy would have absolutely no quality of life. He'd never walk, talk, or function as a "typical" child. Basically we were told he would be a vegetable for his lifespan. The doctor was so confident of this, in fact, he told us to go ahead and go to the Social Security Administration and file for disability benefits for this 5 day old baby. Hit rock bottom? Yep. No parent ever wants to hear this about their newborn child. To say we were in a valley is to put it mildly. That particular night that I wrote the post, I didn't know if I had the strength or courage to begin climbing out of that valley. We had no idea what to expect. Where would this journey lead us? How hard would it be? What will he be like in 2 years? We had so many questions going through our minds. But it was at one point that afternoon that I just remember Jamie grabbing me and giving me the biggest hug. We both stood there and sobbed. We sobbed out of frustrations, we sobbed out of fear, and we sobbed out of sadness for this precious child. But once we had our good cry, we looked each other in the eye and read each others minds. We decided at that moment: WE WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS CHILD. WE WILL NOT LABEL HIM. WE WILL ALLOW HIM TO SHOW US WHAT HE CAN OR CANNOT DO. AND NO MATTER WHAT, WE WILL LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND HELP HIM EVERY WAY WE CAN. How could we do that at such a low point? There's only one answer- God. He could see that we weren't strong enough to pick ourselves up after that shocking news, so He picked us up, dusted us off, and reassured us to TRUST in Him. So that's what we did. From that point forward, we left Anderson's future in the hands of God. We loved him, we got him any interventions that were recommended, and we did a lot of praying (along with many others who were praying on his behalf.)
Somehow today, as I thought back on that day. It reminded me of how I've been feeling lately. When Jamie and I got the news that the cancer was found somewhere else in my body, it was a blow that knocked us back down into a valley that we weren't even sure if we had just climbed out of yet. As I looked up at the mountain that needed climbed AGAIN, I felt like I didn't have the strength or courage to do it again. I've had a lot of negative thoughts, I know the reality of this kind of diagnosis, but today I reminded myself that I also know that GOD is a great God and HE IS IN CONTROL! I have to "Let Go and Let God". Now, I know that's a lot easier said than done, but as I look at Anderson and remember what a miracle he is, how can I not put my future and my health in His hands, just like I did with Anderson? Yes I still have questions, and yes there are still things I don't understand. But no matter what, I have to remind myself each day that God knows what is best for me. He knows more that I could ever fathom. He can see the big picture. So I must hand it over to Him, pray for His guidance throughout this journey, and TRUST that He is the Great Physician. Miracles aren't just a thing of the New Testament- They still happen here and now.
In fact, as I sat back and watched Anderson running around the playroom, throwing football with Jamie, dancing to music with his sisters, and talking non-stop, I was reminded of how deep of a valley we were once in right after he was born. If you have followed this blog since Anderson's birth (or even before) you may remember THIS POST which was written 5 days after his birth. I wrote that particular post on a Sunday evening. It had been a horrible day all the way around. I was miserable from not getting the rest and recovery I needed after the C-section, I was sitting in the NICU and still didn't know if my infant son would require surgery or not, my feet were swollen so badly I could hardly wear shoes, and I missed both of my sweet angels who were at home being taken care of by family. It was that post where I shared that the Pediatrician in the NICU had stopped by our room earlier that day and showed us Anderson's first MRI. All of the details can be found in that post, but the main thing we were told that dreary Sunday afternoon was that our precious baby boy would have absolutely no quality of life. He'd never walk, talk, or function as a "typical" child. Basically we were told he would be a vegetable for his lifespan. The doctor was so confident of this, in fact, he told us to go ahead and go to the Social Security Administration and file for disability benefits for this 5 day old baby. Hit rock bottom? Yep. No parent ever wants to hear this about their newborn child. To say we were in a valley is to put it mildly. That particular night that I wrote the post, I didn't know if I had the strength or courage to begin climbing out of that valley. We had no idea what to expect. Where would this journey lead us? How hard would it be? What will he be like in 2 years? We had so many questions going through our minds. But it was at one point that afternoon that I just remember Jamie grabbing me and giving me the biggest hug. We both stood there and sobbed. We sobbed out of frustrations, we sobbed out of fear, and we sobbed out of sadness for this precious child. But once we had our good cry, we looked each other in the eye and read each others minds. We decided at that moment: WE WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS CHILD. WE WILL NOT LABEL HIM. WE WILL ALLOW HIM TO SHOW US WHAT HE CAN OR CANNOT DO. AND NO MATTER WHAT, WE WILL LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND HELP HIM EVERY WAY WE CAN. How could we do that at such a low point? There's only one answer- God. He could see that we weren't strong enough to pick ourselves up after that shocking news, so He picked us up, dusted us off, and reassured us to TRUST in Him. So that's what we did. From that point forward, we left Anderson's future in the hands of God. We loved him, we got him any interventions that were recommended, and we did a lot of praying (along with many others who were praying on his behalf.)
June 1, 2010
February 3, 2013
Somehow today, as I thought back on that day. It reminded me of how I've been feeling lately. When Jamie and I got the news that the cancer was found somewhere else in my body, it was a blow that knocked us back down into a valley that we weren't even sure if we had just climbed out of yet. As I looked up at the mountain that needed climbed AGAIN, I felt like I didn't have the strength or courage to do it again. I've had a lot of negative thoughts, I know the reality of this kind of diagnosis, but today I reminded myself that I also know that GOD is a great God and HE IS IN CONTROL! I have to "Let Go and Let God". Now, I know that's a lot easier said than done, but as I look at Anderson and remember what a miracle he is, how can I not put my future and my health in His hands, just like I did with Anderson? Yes I still have questions, and yes there are still things I don't understand. But no matter what, I have to remind myself each day that God knows what is best for me. He knows more that I could ever fathom. He can see the big picture. So I must hand it over to Him, pray for His guidance throughout this journey, and TRUST that He is the Great Physician. Miracles aren't just a thing of the New Testament- They still happen here and now.
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