What will 2014 bring for the Spears family?

As 2014 begins, it's a time for many to reflect upon the past year and look ahead to the new year.  It's the time when people make resolutions about things they'd like to change in their lives.  It's when they think back on the good and the bad of the previous year and either wish for more blessings or pray the next year will be better.

I used to be a part of that group of people.  I used to make resolutions every year, although I rarely ever kept them.  (I've been supposed to be back down to my pre-pregnancy weight for 9 years now!  lol)  But one thing that this diagnosis has done, is taught me to live one day at a time.  Not that wanting to better myself is a bad thing, but I'm simply not able to look into the future much farther than the end of the week.  When I try to look past a few days into the future, I become overwhelmed and depressed.  You know how kids like to play the game, "When I'm (insert age here), how old will (sibling) be?'  Kinsley loves to do this.  "When I'm 16 and I can drive, how old will Anderson be?"  As they start this discussion of what life will be like at that point in time, my mind starts to wander to bad places- places where I start thinking "Will I even still be around to see you when you are that age?" which then leads into thinking about all of the things in their lives I will miss out on.  Enough about that- you get the point- anyway that's why making sure I keep myself focused on a few days at a time is absolutely necessary to keep going.

As I look back over 2013 it's not all bad things that I remember.   I'm able to look past the bad health, and more diagnoses to see God continuing to work in my life and bless me each and every day.  Would I like to hope that 2014 will bring less of the health issues and more of the good things?  sure.  But I'm also very realistic about this diagnosis and I realize that I will never have a day or week or month or year go by that the word CANCER isn't a part of it.  Is that fair? Is that how I want it to be?  Is that what I had hoped for when I received my initial diagnosis almost 2 years ago?  NO.  But am I am peace with this is how it's going to be?  Absolutely.  And if I can still be blessed and have a wonderful year despite the ugly C word, then that's all that really matters.

December has been an extremely busy  month for us.  We spent 4 days in Vanderbilt with Anderson, while the doctors tried to determine if his shunt was functioning properly or if he needed surgery.  He was a very sick little boy, which makes for a worried and exhausted momma.  We ended up being sent home with a virus, RSV, and an ear infection- they did admit that they still aren't sure if the shunt is functioning properly, but until he gets sicker or shows more symptoms, they don't want to do surgery YET.  (reassuring, huh?)

Our house that we started building the middle of September was completed and we were able to move in 3 days before Christmas.  The builder was determined to get us in so we could spend Christmas together as a family in our new home- and he did just that.  Building this house was one of the least stressful and wonderful things we've done.  I'm so glad we made the decision to go ahead with our dreams and plans despite my diagnosis.  If you live anywhere near the Maury county area, may I recommend Sparkman Construction for those of you who are considering building a home?  They do phenomenal work and are wonderful people.  Seriously.  Check them out.

So between a hospital stay, finishing Christmas shopping, moving our things into a new house, and going to family's homes for Christmas, we have been crazy busy this month.

I have had some changes in my health this past month also that I'm concerned about- and I'd like to ask you to continue to pray as you have throughout this journey.  I had been on an oral chemotherapy that was working great- I felt great, and was able to honestly not have cancer on the forefront of my mind.  However, my pain began to slowly return and my tumor markers began to rise.  So I was taken off the chemo and put on a hormone therapy and targeted therapy that have been shown to be very successful in many cancer patients.  Well, over the past month I just haven't felt well.  My pain has been really bad- bad enough that I take pain medicine at least 2 times per day (if you know me, you know it must be bad because I HATE to take medicine.)  I have felt like I had the flu, I've had no energy, and just felt yucky.  When I went to the oncologist this past Monday, I found out that I've felt so badly because my bloodwork looked awful.  My white blood count was bottomed out, as well as my red blood cells and some other things.  So I get one week off from my medicine, then when I start back she is going to half my dose.  She initially wanted me to try the new lower dose for another month, but when my tumor markers came back the next day and they had doubled in the 3 weeks I'd been on this medicine, it was clear this medicine isn't working at all.  She also wants me to go back to the oncologist at the Sara Cannon Research Institute to see if they have any treatments to offer me, because she's running out of options.

I also made the decision to go to Chicago to Cancer Treatment Centers of America to see what (if anything) they have to offer me.  I don't want to get to the end of this journey and have any "what ifs".  I want to know that I did everything in my power to be educated about my diagnosis and search for all options out there.  I know God is ultimately in control, but I think he expects us to put forth some effort as well.  I know many people have differing opinions on how they feel about CTCA, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but as I've said many times, If it won't hurt me- why not give it a try?  So this Sunday, Jan. 5 my mom and I are flying to Chicago.  Maybe I will come home with some options and answers, and maybe I will come home knowing exactly what I know now.  But I won't know until I go check it out.  Your prayers are appreciated.

It does feel a little like deja vu, as this time last year I was in Houston at MDAnderson getting checked out- and they determined I was cancer-free, all because they didn't do any scans like I had requested.  If those scans had been done in Houston, it would have been discovered that I was nowhere close to cancer-free, but rather covered up in cancer all over my ovaries and in my bones.  Looking back, I wish I had FOUGHT harder for scans.  Oh well.  Maybe this experience will be better.

I hope 2014 brings you many blessings.  Despite the circumstances, I will continue to remind myself daily that GOD is in control.  He is by my side, he has a plan.  And it WILL be a good year- no matter what.

Love to all!