I thought I'd take a minute just to update where we are on this journey and how things are going. I realize I haven't really done that in awhile and when I come back and read this in a year or so, I don't want to forget everything that was a part of this journey.
Out of 16 total chemotherapy treatments, I have completed 10 of them. I have 6 weeks left of chemo. As you remember the first 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan were horrible. Nothing positive to say about those. The last 6 treatments of Taxol have been much better, MUCH MUCH better. However, that doesn't mean that there haven't been any symptoms- just that these symptoms are much more tolerable than the others. I haven't had any sickness, thank goodness. I do have about 2 days of aches/pains that feel like when you have the flu and it hurts to touch yourself. A heating pad usually takes care of this. I also have one day each week where my joints hurt pretty badly. It's usually my knees and for that day it hurts to walk and climb the stairs at my house. Again, it's not horrible, but still a side effect. And the hot flashes- oh my. I feel like a 65 year old woman going through menopause. In fact, the chemo makes my body think it's going through menopause. I think it's supposed to go back to normal eventually, but for now that's my new normal. Oh, and while my eyebrows and eyelashes continue falling out, the hair on my head is actually starting to grow back already. At first this scared me and made me wonder if that meant the chemo wasn't working, but after some research I discovered this is quite common. So..maybe by Christmas I can ditch the wigs. We'll see.
I have tried to not let any of these side effects slow me down. In fact, we have managed to have a GREAT summer break, which is winding down quickly. I am so thankful for this. Spending time with my kids during the summer is something I always look forward to, and I am thankful that this summer I was still able to do that. It would have been hard for me to be sick and not feel well and miss out on all of the summer fun. It still stinks that I can't swim or get close to water because of my open incision (which I think is healing, just VERY slowly), but as long as water isn't involved I've been able to enjoy all summer activities.
So, what's next? Well, I have 6 more weeks of chemo. Then I will meet with a radiation oncologist who will put together my plan for radiation. It will probably be either 6 or 7 weeks of radiation, with the beam(s) directed toward the place under my arm where the positive lymph nodes were removed. I should start radiation sometime in September or early October.
After radiation, I still have to schedule reconstructive surgery. Once that is all completed, I still have the other side to worry about since it wasn't removed as planned in the initial surgery. For now, though, I try to take one day/week at a time. While I do try to plan out the timing of the looming events, I don't linger on them. Let's just cross one thing off at a time.
Mentally I am at a good place with all this. I've had my moments, but try to not allow myself to think about it as "Surviving Stage 3 Cancer". Instead I just look at this journey as a checklist and focus my time and energy into checking things off the list one at a time. I'm not sure if that's the "right" way to do this or not, but it's how I've decided to handle it. I refuse to get down, I refuse to give up, so I will continue to fight. Worrying doesn't accomplish anything or help fight the battle, so worrying is not allowed.
I get up everyday with a purpose. Thank you to all of you who have commented how good I look in pictures. I've taken the "Look good, Feel Better" approach. Maybe if I look healthy and look like I feel good, then I will be healthy. Ha! Not really, but kind of. It does make me feel good inside to feel like I am put together on the outside. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone other than those who have been in my shoes, but there's something about not wanting to look sick or look like you are in the battle of your life to help keep yourself positive about the whole thing.
Life goes on. The journey continues. And I'm still fighting. With the best support system around. Thanks! Love you guys!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Paths Cross for a Reason
It was nearing the end of the school year, and I had completed my 3rd round of the "Red Devil". For some reason I was not bouncing back as quickly as I had with the first 2, and I had become very discouraged. I was frustrated and when I looked at the long road of chemo still left to be traveled, it seemed endless. I wanted to give up. I just didn't feel good and wondered how long it would be before I felt half "normal" again.
I walked Kinsley up the sidewalk that led from my school to hers, and one of the second grade teachers, also a friend of mine, opened the door for us. When she asked how I was feeling/doing, I think she could tell I wasn't at a good point. She started telling me about a book she had read recently that I really needed to read. Another book about breast cancer? No thanks is what I thought, but I politely said "Really? What's it called? Maybe I should check it out." She proceeded to tell me that this girl was young when diagnosed, had 2 kids, wrote on a blog, and the book was her blog that was later published. Hmmmm.... Now I was getting interested...As she kept telling me little parts of the book, like how this girl threw her hands in the air after her third red devil and wanted to give up, I knew I had to get my hands on that book.
No worries. She had already ordered me a copy- she would have let me borrow hers, but it was on her Kindle- so she had already ordered me a hard copy because somehow she KNEW how much I needed this book.
The day she brought me the book, I couldn't wait to get started reading. I was craving hearing the story of someone I could relate to- someone who truly understood where I was and what I was going through. I had been trying to find blogs/books/real people- anyone who I could find to relate to. What was it exactly I needed from them? At this point I wasn't sure, but I knew I needed this book.
I read this book quickly. I couldn't put it down. I laughed hysterically, cried painfully, and cheered victoriously as I read through her journey. I could relate to all of the emotions and battles that she discussed in the book. I wanted to shout "YES! I understand. YES! That is exactly how it feels. YES That is how I would describe it, too!" Some of the pages I would read out loud to Jamie and he would sit in awe as I read, not believing that someone else had written the words- because it sounded just like some of my own blog posts.
When I finished the book, it left me wanting more. I didn't want the story to end. I still had so many questions. The book ended when her treatments and radiation were over. "But how is she now? What's happening with her now? Is she still okay? Is she healthy? Does she think about cancer everyday or has she moved on?" I needed to know. Is there another book? Has she continued to update her blog? I just had to know more.
So that Sunday at church, I told my friend how much I enjoyed the book, and how I didn't want it to end. I explained to her how I needed to know MORE. She agreed. "Doesn't she seem just like us? Can't you imagine her being one of our friends? She just seems so real and llike such a neat person. I'll bet she and her friends would get along with all of us really well. What if we could MEET her?" Meet her? Really? How would that work? I could just imagine trying to get in touch with her and her thinking "Who are these crazy people? Do they really think I want to meet them?"
However, my friend was on a mission. She could tell how much I related to this author. She made it her goal to find her, contact her, and try to get us together for a meeting. She found her email address, and sat down and wrote one of the most beautiful and inspiring emails a friend could write. The next thing I knew, plans were in place for a trip to Missouri- to meet the author, the person who had been on this same journey and survived, the girl who had written so honestly and openly about her journey, the one who I had so many questions to ask following the book.
It's really not my typical personality to plan a trip 5 hours away to go see someone I don't even know. But I never thought twice about it. Once I knew that she wanted to meet us, we couldn't get the trip planned quickly enough. So last weekend, right after my chemo treatment, two friends and I headed north to Missouri- on a trip that we were all both excited and nervous about. I couldn't wait to meet her, but what if she wasn't anything like I pictured her as I read her book? What if things were awkward and it was hard to keep conversation going? What if she didn't like us or thought we were crazy? So many questions raced through my mind.
We met her at a local restaurant Friday night. The three of us arrived first. Then I received a text that said "I'm here." And my stomach dropped. It's time. The three of us turned to look around to see if we could spot this person we had traveled 5 hours to meet, and we saw her immediately. She came up to us, we did our introductions, and from that point forward, there was no lapse in coversation until we left the restaurant 3 hours later. Instead of meeting a new friend, it seemed as if we were visiting an old friend that we hadn't seen in awhile. She was exactly how I had pictured her: Strong, funny, real, down-to-Earth, a survivor, a mother, a wife, a friend. At this point, I still didn't realize exactly WHY I needed to meet her so badly. What was it that I needed from her?
The night was wonderful. We sat and ate, and talked, and shared stories, and had the best visit I could have imagined. After dinner we went outside and took pictures- this was a memory being made and we wanted plenty of picutres to capture the night. Here's just one:
The next day, we went to the small town where she lives and got to meet her family. The experience was one that I will never forget. I have met a new friend along this journey- one who I am so thankful for our paths to have crossed. I have been so uplifted from meeting her. I have a new outlook on this journey. I know I CAN do this! I will come out victorious on the other side, and when there are bumps along the road, I have many friends who will be right there by my side to help me get through it.
After we got home from our trip, I received an email from Becky. It was her words describing what that weekend visit had meant to her, and for the first time, I realized what it was I needed from her... She describes it to a tee...In her own words, "And then there was you, Andrea. I think your goal was to meet a survivor sister, to gather courage and strength for your artillery from someone who had been there already. You were seeking validation that you were doing it right, that you were fighting hard enough, that you were winning." Yes. That's exactly what I needed. I hadn't realized it, but I needed to meet her so badly, just to make sure I was doing it right. Am I doing enough? Am I doing everything I should to come out successful? Yes. I needed exactly what she gave me. Validation.
I have been so blessed by getting to meet Becky and really get to know her. The trip to Missouri is one that I will always remember. In fact, we are discussing another meeting in the near future. All four of us walked away from this trip gaining something we each needed, not needing the same things, but still getting something from the visit to hold on to. It was not by chance that this meeting happened to come together so easily. No, our paths crossed for a reason, for many reasons, and I am thankful to God that things fell into place exactly when and how I needed them to in order for our paths to cross.
I walked Kinsley up the sidewalk that led from my school to hers, and one of the second grade teachers, also a friend of mine, opened the door for us. When she asked how I was feeling/doing, I think she could tell I wasn't at a good point. She started telling me about a book she had read recently that I really needed to read. Another book about breast cancer? No thanks is what I thought, but I politely said "Really? What's it called? Maybe I should check it out." She proceeded to tell me that this girl was young when diagnosed, had 2 kids, wrote on a blog, and the book was her blog that was later published. Hmmmm.... Now I was getting interested...As she kept telling me little parts of the book, like how this girl threw her hands in the air after her third red devil and wanted to give up, I knew I had to get my hands on that book.
No worries. She had already ordered me a copy- she would have let me borrow hers, but it was on her Kindle- so she had already ordered me a hard copy because somehow she KNEW how much I needed this book.
I read this book quickly. I couldn't put it down. I laughed hysterically, cried painfully, and cheered victoriously as I read through her journey. I could relate to all of the emotions and battles that she discussed in the book. I wanted to shout "YES! I understand. YES! That is exactly how it feels. YES That is how I would describe it, too!" Some of the pages I would read out loud to Jamie and he would sit in awe as I read, not believing that someone else had written the words- because it sounded just like some of my own blog posts.
When I finished the book, it left me wanting more. I didn't want the story to end. I still had so many questions. The book ended when her treatments and radiation were over. "But how is she now? What's happening with her now? Is she still okay? Is she healthy? Does she think about cancer everyday or has she moved on?" I needed to know. Is there another book? Has she continued to update her blog? I just had to know more.
So that Sunday at church, I told my friend how much I enjoyed the book, and how I didn't want it to end. I explained to her how I needed to know MORE. She agreed. "Doesn't she seem just like us? Can't you imagine her being one of our friends? She just seems so real and llike such a neat person. I'll bet she and her friends would get along with all of us really well. What if we could MEET her?" Meet her? Really? How would that work? I could just imagine trying to get in touch with her and her thinking "Who are these crazy people? Do they really think I want to meet them?"
However, my friend was on a mission. She could tell how much I related to this author. She made it her goal to find her, contact her, and try to get us together for a meeting. She found her email address, and sat down and wrote one of the most beautiful and inspiring emails a friend could write. The next thing I knew, plans were in place for a trip to Missouri- to meet the author, the person who had been on this same journey and survived, the girl who had written so honestly and openly about her journey, the one who I had so many questions to ask following the book.
It's really not my typical personality to plan a trip 5 hours away to go see someone I don't even know. But I never thought twice about it. Once I knew that she wanted to meet us, we couldn't get the trip planned quickly enough. So last weekend, right after my chemo treatment, two friends and I headed north to Missouri- on a trip that we were all both excited and nervous about. I couldn't wait to meet her, but what if she wasn't anything like I pictured her as I read her book? What if things were awkward and it was hard to keep conversation going? What if she didn't like us or thought we were crazy? So many questions raced through my mind.
We met her at a local restaurant Friday night. The three of us arrived first. Then I received a text that said "I'm here." And my stomach dropped. It's time. The three of us turned to look around to see if we could spot this person we had traveled 5 hours to meet, and we saw her immediately. She came up to us, we did our introductions, and from that point forward, there was no lapse in coversation until we left the restaurant 3 hours later. Instead of meeting a new friend, it seemed as if we were visiting an old friend that we hadn't seen in awhile. She was exactly how I had pictured her: Strong, funny, real, down-to-Earth, a survivor, a mother, a wife, a friend. At this point, I still didn't realize exactly WHY I needed to meet her so badly. What was it that I needed from her?
The night was wonderful. We sat and ate, and talked, and shared stories, and had the best visit I could have imagined. After dinner we went outside and took pictures- this was a memory being made and we wanted plenty of picutres to capture the night. Here's just one:
The next day, we went to the small town where she lives and got to meet her family. The experience was one that I will never forget. I have met a new friend along this journey- one who I am so thankful for our paths to have crossed. I have been so uplifted from meeting her. I have a new outlook on this journey. I know I CAN do this! I will come out victorious on the other side, and when there are bumps along the road, I have many friends who will be right there by my side to help me get through it.
After we got home from our trip, I received an email from Becky. It was her words describing what that weekend visit had meant to her, and for the first time, I realized what it was I needed from her... She describes it to a tee...In her own words, "And then there was you, Andrea. I think your goal was to meet a survivor sister, to gather courage and strength for your artillery from someone who had been there already. You were seeking validation that you were doing it right, that you were fighting hard enough, that you were winning." Yes. That's exactly what I needed. I hadn't realized it, but I needed to meet her so badly, just to make sure I was doing it right. Am I doing enough? Am I doing everything I should to come out successful? Yes. I needed exactly what she gave me. Validation.
I have been so blessed by getting to meet Becky and really get to know her. The trip to Missouri is one that I will always remember. In fact, we are discussing another meeting in the near future. All four of us walked away from this trip gaining something we each needed, not needing the same things, but still getting something from the visit to hold on to. It was not by chance that this meeting happened to come together so easily. No, our paths crossed for a reason, for many reasons, and I am thankful to God that things fell into place exactly when and how I needed them to in order for our paths to cross.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Speechless!
If you aren't sure if you believe in the power of prayer, you've got to check this out. It's the blog of sweet Lucy, the 5 year old I have asked you to pray for many times. Just 2 Mondays ago her parents were preparing for her funeral, as she was very sick and had been told her cancer had returned and she wasn't expected to live long. I encourage you to go to the blog and see the transformation Lucy has made, after people from all over the globe started praying and pleading with God on her behalf. It truly gives me chills! Miracles do still happen today and this is one of them.
Http://erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com
Thursday, June 14, 2012
You know it's a good day when...
1.you see a wonderful picture of Lucy awake and smiling.
2.anderson gets a great checkup at his 2 year visit.
3. You feel so good you convince your husband to let you push mow the front yard.
Yep. Add that in with a night spent outside with your family and then some family time eating popcorn and watching Dog the Bounty Hunter...
I'd call it a great day.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Chemotherapy
As you probably remember from another post, my chemotherapy schedule is in 2 phases. Phase 1 consisted of Adriamycin (a.k.a. Red Devil) and Cytoxan. These were given every other week for 8 weeks (4 total treatments). Then phase 2 is Taxol given every week for 12 weeks. This past Friday I began Phase 2!!! Yahoo! If I had to think of one word to describe Phase 1 it would be HORRIFIC! That combination of medicines really kicks you and gets you down. I just hope it did as much damage to the cancer cells as it did to my healthy cells. Whew. Each treatment made me very sick for 3-4 days. I also had to get a shot of Neulasta the day after chemo to help increase my white blood cell count. This shot made me feel like I had the flu x 100! I ached and hurt all over. I hurt just to be touched- it was difficult to put on makeup and even lying down in bed hurt. Whoever came up with 4 treatments of that combination is a genius because I can honestly say that if I knew I had to do more than 4, I'm not sure I could have done it. Just when I started to feel "normal' again, it was time for the next treatment. I did still work during the treatments except for treatment days and the day after, then I recovered all weekend and went back to work on Monday. It wasn't always easy, but being at work made me feel like I had a purpose and kept me busy so that I didn't just sit around letting my mind wander (which I have found this summer is NOT a good thing). But let me say, I have never been so thankful to have completed something in my life!
So, how is Phase 2? Well, I've been both looking forward to and dreading phase 2 all at the same time. I had read and had heard from others that phase 2 is not near as bad as phase 1, symptomatically speaking. However, I also knew my body and knew that "I" tend to not have the same experience as others. "Worst case scenario" tends to somehow end up being my Plan A, and I have gotten pretty used to preparing for Plan B. So I had no idea whether or not my body would have the same experiences as the others.
I hate to speak too soon or to jinx anything, but the first treatment of phase 2 was WONDERFUL! Well, as wonderful as chemotheraphy can be at least. I did not have any sickness at all. I had a full appetite, had great energy, and felt great. The only side effects were from the huge dose of steroids, as well as some joint pain/body aches. But this girl is not complaining about any of those! I can handle that- as long as I am not sick!
So right now I don't dread the next 11 weeks nearly as bad as I did just a few weeks ago. I know 11 weeks sound like a long time, but I will have my last treatment the 3rd week of school- and I know how quickly July will fly by and school will be here before I know it. When I first started treatment, a great friend of mine made a paper link chain and hung it in my office. There were 16 links total- one for each treatment. Each time I finish a treatment, a link gets torn off. It's like a visual countdown for me and I LOVE watching that chain get smaller and smaller.
So for the time being, my spirits are up and I am determined to fight and kick this thing in the butt! All of those thoughts of being finished and wanting to stop the chemo are now gone. I have a new motto to live by during this journey. I heard it on Good Morning America on Monday when Robin Roberts announced about her latest diagnosis. She said that she has to "Focus on the FIGHT, not the FRIGHT." Wow! Good stuff. So I have decided to use that as my daily motto. I will focus on fighting and kicking this thing in the butt- I will not allow myself to focus on the fears of having stage 3 cancer. I am a FIGHTER and I must stay focused on my goal!
So, how is Phase 2? Well, I've been both looking forward to and dreading phase 2 all at the same time. I had read and had heard from others that phase 2 is not near as bad as phase 1, symptomatically speaking. However, I also knew my body and knew that "I" tend to not have the same experience as others. "Worst case scenario" tends to somehow end up being my Plan A, and I have gotten pretty used to preparing for Plan B. So I had no idea whether or not my body would have the same experiences as the others.
I hate to speak too soon or to jinx anything, but the first treatment of phase 2 was WONDERFUL! Well, as wonderful as chemotheraphy can be at least. I did not have any sickness at all. I had a full appetite, had great energy, and felt great. The only side effects were from the huge dose of steroids, as well as some joint pain/body aches. But this girl is not complaining about any of those! I can handle that- as long as I am not sick!
So right now I don't dread the next 11 weeks nearly as bad as I did just a few weeks ago. I know 11 weeks sound like a long time, but I will have my last treatment the 3rd week of school- and I know how quickly July will fly by and school will be here before I know it. When I first started treatment, a great friend of mine made a paper link chain and hung it in my office. There were 16 links total- one for each treatment. Each time I finish a treatment, a link gets torn off. It's like a visual countdown for me and I LOVE watching that chain get smaller and smaller.
So for the time being, my spirits are up and I am determined to fight and kick this thing in the butt! All of those thoughts of being finished and wanting to stop the chemo are now gone. I have a new motto to live by during this journey. I heard it on Good Morning America on Monday when Robin Roberts announced about her latest diagnosis. She said that she has to "Focus on the FIGHT, not the FRIGHT." Wow! Good stuff. So I have decided to use that as my daily motto. I will focus on fighting and kicking this thing in the butt- I will not allow myself to focus on the fears of having stage 3 cancer. I am a FIGHTER and I must stay focused on my goal!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
One of Many Firsts
There are times in this journey that something happens that makes me feel horrible. I mean, really horrible. Things like the number of people who continue to take the time to send cards of encouragement- something I always have good intentions of doing when I know someone is having a hard time or on a journey of their own- but never quite get around to doing. Things like people who go out of their way to find something to do to help make things a little easier, because they knew we wouldn't ask. Why do those types of things make me feel horrible? Because it makes me realize how selfish I've been in the past and how I have lived in a world engulfed by my own little "bubble" where the only things that mattered were things that pertained to me or to my family or close friends.
A few weeks ago, I had the honor to attend a local event that made me have "one of those moments". You see, it was not the first time for the event. No, it had taken place for several years. It wasn't that I had never heard of the event- nope. I had heard of others who had participated. But, I guess because I never had a direct tie to the cause for the event, I never paid much attention. In fact, I paid so little attention that I had no idea just how the event would impact my life. I was not emotionally prepared for such an event.
What was it? It was our local Relay For Life. Wow. How had I missed this all these years? Oh yea, that's right. I didn't have cancer and I didn't have any family members with cancer, so why bother? AGH! How selfish of me! And to be completely honest, I wouldn't have gone this year if it hadn't been for our local Pediatric Clinic (where my mother-in-law works) asking me to be there because their team was walking in honor of another employee and myself. "Sure, I'll come for a little while," is what I thought. I had no idea how wonderful that night was going to be emotionally to help me in this journey.
If you've never been to a Relay for Life event, make a promise right now to find one to be a part of, if not this year then next. Jamie and I took the kids, my parents also came, along with my sister and her family, and my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. We all had an absolute blast! There were so many different activities going on besides just walking around the track, but the walking around the track is probably what had the biggest impact on me and my journey.
First of all, anyone who is currently battling cancer or is already a survivor all wears the same shirts. So everywhere you look, you can see many others who understand your journey. They know best, because they've either been there/done that, or they are doing it right now. This year's shirts were purple and across the back of the shirt it says "SURVIVOR". If I'm being completely honest I felt weird wearing it because right now I don't feel like a survivor, maybe mine should have said "FIGHTER". Anywho...I was reminded that you become a survivor the minute you are diagnosed. So I wore my purple shirt with pride. To begin the event, the first lap is walked by everyone in the purple shirts. The rest of the crowd gathers around the track to cheer on the survivors. And as we walked, I read the names of so many written on the bags that lined the track. And then to see 4 bags with my own name on them! Wow. Powerful stuff. I did my best to hold it together, even though I'm not very good at that kind of thing. But then, for the 2nd lap, they had all of the caregivers join us to walk a lap. So Jamie and my mom joined me (along with Karlie, who didn't want to miss any action) and we walked the second lap. I held it together pretty well, until the DJ started playing the Martina McBride song that tells my story almost to a tee, except that I'm only 32. At that point, I lost it. And like he always does, Jamie simply put his arm around me. No words were needed. With that one movement I knew it was okay. It was okay to cry, it was okay to be scared, it was okay to have doubts and fears- because no matter what, he will love me through it and never leave my side.
After those 2 laps we spent time visiting with many people and participating in the activities they had- not to mention all the fabulous food available. We heard of the Luminairia Ceremony that would take place at 9pm and I was not about to leave before that event. It was so powerful! All of the bags (luminaria) were lit to line the track.
Then all of the lights around the stadium were shut off, and many people had purchased glow sticks for the ceremony. So in the complete darkness, other than the candles in the bags, it was announced..."If you are a survivor, please break your glow stick now." And all around you saw lights begin to glow. Next "If you are a caregiver or family member, please break your glow stick now." And more lights lit up. And finally, "If you know someone affected by cancer and you support them on their journey, please break your glowstick now." Just to see all of the glowing lights around the stadium was powerful. To know that even though at times I feel all alone and like no one truly understands what this journey is like, there are always others out there who have been through or are going through the same thing. Then, they began to read the names of those affected by cancer. Some names were in memory of, some in honor of, and others in support of...This was probably one of the hardest parts of the night. Yes I knew they were going to read my name, but there's something about hearing your very own name read in that context...almost a type of validity, that yes, I indeed have joined a group of people who I never intended to join- but for that matter, neither did they. I have joined a group where the support is tremendous, but not one person in the group wanted to become a part of that group, and I really wonder if that feeling ever changes. Somehow I doubt it. But I think the hardest part about being a part of this group is the unknown. There were a lot more names of those who had lost their battle, than there were for the survivors and current fighters. When you are in the group, that's something you notice. When people join this group, some survive and some don't That's just fact. And I truly believe that each of them began their membership ready to FIGHT! But sometimes no matter how hard the fight, the cancer wins. And this event is to "Celebrate, Remember, and Fight Back!" So we celebrated those who have won the battle, remembered those who hadn't, and pledged to Fight Back alongside someone we know/love.
Jamie and I have promised to make this an annual event for our family from now on. Not just because I now have cancer, but because we know how wonderful of an event this is. I am embarrassed by the fact that I have never been until now. This event is one way that I plan to "Pay it Forward" in the future. It is an event that next year, I can't wait to wear the shirt that says "SURVIVOR" and actually feel like one! And maybe next year, there will be someone there that has just joined our club, someone who needs some support and encouragement from those who have walked their shoes, from someone who understands the journey they are walking, just like I did this year. And I pray that I will no longer just have good intentions of ministering to and encouraging others, but actually be able to follow through and make a difference. Please consider finding your nearest Relay for Life event and getting involved!
A HUGE thank you to the Columbia Pediatric Clinic doctors/nurses/staff for a wonderful night. Thank you for letting me be a part of your team. Thank you for your love and support! That is a night that I will never ever forget!
A few weeks ago, I had the honor to attend a local event that made me have "one of those moments". You see, it was not the first time for the event. No, it had taken place for several years. It wasn't that I had never heard of the event- nope. I had heard of others who had participated. But, I guess because I never had a direct tie to the cause for the event, I never paid much attention. In fact, I paid so little attention that I had no idea just how the event would impact my life. I was not emotionally prepared for such an event.
What was it? It was our local Relay For Life. Wow. How had I missed this all these years? Oh yea, that's right. I didn't have cancer and I didn't have any family members with cancer, so why bother? AGH! How selfish of me! And to be completely honest, I wouldn't have gone this year if it hadn't been for our local Pediatric Clinic (where my mother-in-law works) asking me to be there because their team was walking in honor of another employee and myself. "Sure, I'll come for a little while," is what I thought. I had no idea how wonderful that night was going to be emotionally to help me in this journey.
If you've never been to a Relay for Life event, make a promise right now to find one to be a part of, if not this year then next. Jamie and I took the kids, my parents also came, along with my sister and her family, and my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. We all had an absolute blast! There were so many different activities going on besides just walking around the track, but the walking around the track is probably what had the biggest impact on me and my journey.
After those 2 laps we spent time visiting with many people and participating in the activities they had- not to mention all the fabulous food available. We heard of the Luminairia Ceremony that would take place at 9pm and I was not about to leave before that event. It was so powerful! All of the bags (luminaria) were lit to line the track.
A HUGE thank you to the Columbia Pediatric Clinic doctors/nurses/staff for a wonderful night. Thank you for letting me be a part of your team. Thank you for your love and support! That is a night that I will never ever forget!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Where do I even start?
I've been really having a hard time getting motivated to write lately. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I just can't seem to sit down and write on the blog. Not that nothing has been happening, in fact, it could be quite the opposite- so much has happened that I don't know where to start. I mean there was Kinsley's birthday, Karlie's preschool graduation, Jamie's and my 10 year anniversary, Anderson's birthday, the Relay for Life, sweet Lucy, or anything to do with cancer and the journey we are on..but for some reason I could not bring myself to sit down at the computer and pick something to write about- I mean, can a birthday post be smushed in between posts about chemotherapy? I don't' know. Maybe I need more than one blog. One for family stuff, one for Anderson's story, and one for cancer... Well if I keep those updated as much as I do haven't done this one lately it would be a waste of time. Oh well. Maybe I can find my motivation. Quit worrying about WHAT to write and just write! So, I'm going to just start somewhere and go with it! (Now that I got that off my chest...) So my goal is to do one post every day for the next 2 weeks. It may be a hodgepodge of topics, but if I ever get around to getting the blog printed into a hard copy (like I've been meaning to do) I will have most of the topics covered that I have missed.
So, let's start with birthdays....
Kinsley turned 8 this past month. She is such a caring and nurturing little girl. She is maturing every day, and she is so helpful with Anderson. She has handled all of the changes in our family with such grace. She wants to help however she can whether it be with Anderson, or helping me do something, or getting something for me, or helping clean up the kitchen after supper. We don't want to put too much on her, but we have allowed her to pick up a few more responsibilities around the house and she has done great! She is a natural worrier, so Jamie and I try to protect her from the really yucky sides of having a mom with cancer. While she doesn't fully understand what cancer is, she does know it's not a good thing. But as long as she sees me feeling well and being able to do the things we've always done, she is okay with it. She is even getting used to seeing my bald head when we are at home. (She still refuses to let me go in public like that, though, which is okay with me.) She asks a lot of questions about when I have to have that horrible medicine again or when will I be finished with that medicine, but once I answer her questions, she seems content and goes on with whatever it was she was doing.
She will be starting 3rd grade this year, which moves her up into the same school that I work. I am excited to have her in the same building, I just hope she continues to thrive like she has the past 3 years. You know how some kids are, they are fine when their parents aren't around, but then they melt and act like they can't do anything when one of them show up...well, in the past that's how Kinsley has been, but I'm hoping she will continue to be just as independent this year as in the past. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. It really seems just like yesterday I walked her in for her first day of Kindergarten and cried like a baby (both of us). I look forward to watching her grow. She has such a big heart. I hope she stays that way. She told me she wants at least 5 kids when she grows up, but she'll keep having babies until she gets a boy as sweet as Anderson. (Ha! We'll see how long that lasts!)
Speaking of Anderson...
This little guy celebrated his 2nd birthday on June 1st. Wow! What a long way he has come in 2 years. We have some developmental checkups coming in the next 2 weeks, and I'm pretty sure he's going to come out with flying colors. He is doing so great right now! His shunt seems to be working correctly (fingers crossed), he has met his physical milestones up to this point, his cognitive skills are still advanced, and he's just a little behind with his speech. He's talking, but not putting words together yet as much as he should be. We may do a little speech therapy, or we may just give him time. We'll see what the doctors think at his visits. I can honestly tell you that 2 years ago we had no idea that at this point we would be able to say that he is doing so well. We had no idea what to expect. And that is really no different than today- we don't know what to expect for the next year or longer- we don't know what his life will be like. We pray that he continues to do as well as he has so far. We pray that we continue to give him whatever he needs to be successful, and we pray God will use his life for a purpose. And even though we never know when the shunt is going to malfunction, and we don't know how Anderson will continue to develop, we are so thankful for him and the joy he has brought our family. I can't imagine life without him. He is a true blessing. I know there are big things in store for him as he grows and I can't wait to watch them unfold. I am so thankful God chose me to be his mom. Thank you to each one of you who have prayed for him and stood beside our family ever since that 20 week ultrasound that revealed he would be born with challenges to overcome. And overcome them he is...each day he does something new that amazes me.
So, let's start with birthdays....
Kinsley turned 8 this past month. She is such a caring and nurturing little girl. She is maturing every day, and she is so helpful with Anderson. She has handled all of the changes in our family with such grace. She wants to help however she can whether it be with Anderson, or helping me do something, or getting something for me, or helping clean up the kitchen after supper. We don't want to put too much on her, but we have allowed her to pick up a few more responsibilities around the house and she has done great! She is a natural worrier, so Jamie and I try to protect her from the really yucky sides of having a mom with cancer. While she doesn't fully understand what cancer is, she does know it's not a good thing. But as long as she sees me feeling well and being able to do the things we've always done, she is okay with it. She is even getting used to seeing my bald head when we are at home. (She still refuses to let me go in public like that, though, which is okay with me.) She asks a lot of questions about when I have to have that horrible medicine again or when will I be finished with that medicine, but once I answer her questions, she seems content and goes on with whatever it was she was doing.
Speaking of Anderson...
This little guy celebrated his 2nd birthday on June 1st. Wow! What a long way he has come in 2 years. We have some developmental checkups coming in the next 2 weeks, and I'm pretty sure he's going to come out with flying colors. He is doing so great right now! His shunt seems to be working correctly (fingers crossed), he has met his physical milestones up to this point, his cognitive skills are still advanced, and he's just a little behind with his speech. He's talking, but not putting words together yet as much as he should be. We may do a little speech therapy, or we may just give him time. We'll see what the doctors think at his visits. I can honestly tell you that 2 years ago we had no idea that at this point we would be able to say that he is doing so well. We had no idea what to expect. And that is really no different than today- we don't know what to expect for the next year or longer- we don't know what his life will be like. We pray that he continues to do as well as he has so far. We pray that we continue to give him whatever he needs to be successful, and we pray God will use his life for a purpose. And even though we never know when the shunt is going to malfunction, and we don't know how Anderson will continue to develop, we are so thankful for him and the joy he has brought our family. I can't imagine life without him. He is a true blessing. I know there are big things in store for him as he grows and I can't wait to watch them unfold. I am so thankful God chose me to be his mom. Thank you to each one of you who have prayed for him and stood beside our family ever since that 20 week ultrasound that revealed he would be born with challenges to overcome. And overcome them he is...each day he does something new that amazes me.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Small Victories and Catching Up
Celebrating some small victories that I thought I would share with you tonight...
1. The first phase of my chemotherapy treatments are complete! I did manage to survive the Red Devil and Cytoxan! No more of those (hopefully forever!)
2. My open wound from this past surgery is doing a little better than we thought it would. I don't want to jinx myself, but it's actually beginning to slowly heal on its own without a wound vac for the time being. We will keep praying about this one.
3. School is out for summer and I have been able to spend some wonderful time outside with the kids playing. Looking forward to more of those days.
Now... I have really gotten behind on posting some pictures./videos of things that have happened lately. So, here's a hodge podge. I hope you enjoy!
Kinsley turned 8 on May 14th! She graduated from 2nd grade and will be at my school next year as a 3rd grader. I am so proud of the person she is becoming. She has a big heart and is quite the little mommy to her brother, which tends to drive him crazy at times.
Karlie also graduated from her Dayschool and will be going to Kindergarten in the fall. She is very excited about going to "Real School". I was so proud of her at graduation. She sang all the songs and when they asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, she said "A Physical Therapist". She later told Jamie and me that she wants to be just like Ms. Peggy and help babies like Anderson learn how to walk! What a big heart she has!
Anderson is doing great! He LOVES to be outside and so that's where he spends most of his day. He loves to drive the Gator (or Barbie Jeep- whichever is charged!) all around the cul-de-sac where we live. He has no fear and thinks it's fun to jump the curbs and run into mailboxes. This little fella is about to celebrate a birthday in the next week, so be watching for a post with more pics and videos of my miracle boy.
And finally...I realized that I never posted a video or pictures on here from Karlie's dance recital. The pictures made it onto my facebook page, but I never even mentioned it on here that I was able to go. Sorry about that. I cannot seem to get the video to post, but here are a few pictures. (I will keep working on the video. It is just so good, I would love for you to see it.)
As you can see, life doesn't stop just because you get a cancer diagnosis. Nope, life goes on, one day at a time. It's not always easy, but each moment is more cherished, each memory one to remember forever. I am truly blessed!
1. The first phase of my chemotherapy treatments are complete! I did manage to survive the Red Devil and Cytoxan! No more of those (hopefully forever!)
2. My open wound from this past surgery is doing a little better than we thought it would. I don't want to jinx myself, but it's actually beginning to slowly heal on its own without a wound vac for the time being. We will keep praying about this one.
3. School is out for summer and I have been able to spend some wonderful time outside with the kids playing. Looking forward to more of those days.
Now... I have really gotten behind on posting some pictures./videos of things that have happened lately. So, here's a hodge podge. I hope you enjoy!
Kinsley turned 8 on May 14th! She graduated from 2nd grade and will be at my school next year as a 3rd grader. I am so proud of the person she is becoming. She has a big heart and is quite the little mommy to her brother, which tends to drive him crazy at times.
Karlie also graduated from her Dayschool and will be going to Kindergarten in the fall. She is very excited about going to "Real School". I was so proud of her at graduation. She sang all the songs and when they asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, she said "A Physical Therapist". She later told Jamie and me that she wants to be just like Ms. Peggy and help babies like Anderson learn how to walk! What a big heart she has!
Anderson is doing great! He LOVES to be outside and so that's where he spends most of his day. He loves to drive the Gator (or Barbie Jeep- whichever is charged!) all around the cul-de-sac where we live. He has no fear and thinks it's fun to jump the curbs and run into mailboxes. This little fella is about to celebrate a birthday in the next week, so be watching for a post with more pics and videos of my miracle boy.
And finally...I realized that I never posted a video or pictures on here from Karlie's dance recital. The pictures made it onto my facebook page, but I never even mentioned it on here that I was able to go. Sorry about that. I cannot seem to get the video to post, but here are a few pictures. (I will keep working on the video. It is just so good, I would love for you to see it.)
As you can see, life doesn't stop just because you get a cancer diagnosis. Nope, life goes on, one day at a time. It's not always easy, but each moment is more cherished, each memory one to remember forever. I am truly blessed!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Just what I needed...
Sometimes things are placed in your life at a certain moment- at just the right time. That's exactly what happened to me this week. Some of you who are really close to me know that I've been struggling for the past 2 weeks about this whole chemo plan laid out for me. I have questioned whether it is worth it to do it as "pre-cautionary" measures. As far as the doctors know, my cancer was all removed during my mastectomy. The chemo and radiation are there just in case any cells were left behind, as well as to help decrease the chances of it returning. I had such a hard recovery from the 3rd treatment, that I started questioning whether it was worth it. I mean, couldn't I just take my chances and enjoy my summer break with my kids, enjoy spending time on the weekend with my husband, make plans for outings with friends and family. I mean, is it worth it to have to always check the chemo schedule before making plans, trying to decide if I will feel good enough to participate in that activity? If I have complete Faith in God and his healing, then why not just take my chances? If God's plan for my life is for me to have cancer, and then be healed completely of it, then I truly believe that's what will happen. If his plan is different, if He already knows that my cancer will spread or come back later, or (dare I even mention it) that I lose this battle, then no matter how much medicine or poison or radiation or surgery, I truly believe that will happen. You see, I must always pray for HIS will, not mine. So that has been my inner struggle for the past 2 weeks. I have talked to some close friends and family about it, and they have been wonderful to just listen, without telling me I was crazy for even considering such a thing. I think that's a lot of what I needed. I just needed to talk myself through it, out loud. I needed someone to listen, I needed them to say no matter what I decided they would stand by me in my decision.
I had pretty much come to the realization that although my thoughts were probably normal for anyone who has been on (or is going through) this cancer journey, it was a little crazy in all reality. No matter how much this journey stinks, or how badly I feel, I owe it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I owe it to a lot of people to fight this battle with all of my might. I can not give up. I have too many people fighting along side me to simply raise the white flag and give in.
I was just beginning to come around to this realization, when all of a sudden Wednesday night I noticed a place under my incision that was swollen and discolored. And when I touched it, it hurt. It was really sore. It was reallly ugly (and gross). So I racked my brain to try to figure out what in the world it could be. I had no idea. What makes something swell up 2 months after surgery, when everything is healed well?
I called my plastic surgeon Thursday morning as soon as they opened and told them I probably needed to come in. I was seen that afternoon when I got off from work, and once again, he was able to pull off some fluid. Not just a little fluid with no other concerns, but fluid that was yellow and gross. Fluid that needed cultured. Yes, I had another infection on my mastectomy side. It really makes no sense because there isn't anything in there to really cause infection, especially 2 months after the last surgery for infection. But, normal or not, that's where I was. Thankfully I caught it early enough that I hadn't gotten sick(yet) like last time.
So, my 4th of the really aggressive chemo treatments was postponed until next week, and I had outpatient surgery this morning to clean out all of the infection again. While none of it really makes perfect sense medically, it is absolute perfect timing for me. It helped me to realize that I am still in this battle fighting and I CAN NOT give up. The chemo, although hated, is not just for pre-cautionary measures. It is absolutely needed and this most recent surgery helped me realize that 100%.
So the infection was cleaned out, my wound has been left open so infection can continue to drain (sorry if you have a weak stomach), and the discolored skin taken off and sent to be biopsied (just in case). We are waiting to see what the cultures grow from the fluid that was removed so that they will know what medication I need to be on, and whether I can take it by mouth or need IV antibiotics. We also will await the biopsy results of the skin and hope that it is benign. The healing of my wound will be a long process due to my body's deacreased healing ability from chemo. We will start by packing the incision, but we may eventually end up with a wound vac. Either way, any swimming this summer is out of the question. It will probably be a long healing process. But I must simply remind myself that this is temporary. This too shall pass. This is just another bump in the road, but I will come down the other side and continue the journey.
While I was a little disappointed that the final of the bad treatments had to be rescheduled because I was ready to get it over with, I have been able to enjoy some much needed time with my husband for our 10th anniversary. We thought we would spend it with me sleeping in the recliner all weekend, too sick to do anything, but we were able to go out to eat last night on a little anniversary date. We got to sit outside tonight and watch the kids play. And tomorrow we get to simply relax and be lazy all day together. So that is a small blessing among the latest bump in the road. Also, tonight you would never know I've had surgery today. There is no pain, no medicine, no sleeping. I feel great. If it weren't for the bandages and dressing, I would probably forget I had surgery today.
Thank you for all of your continued prayers and encouragement. They mean the world to me and keep me going each day, but especially the bad ones. Please don't stop.
Happy Anniversary to my wonderful Husband! I love you Jamie with all of my heart. I couldn't do this without you. You've been there for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know this is all just as hard on you as it is me, but thank you for being my tower of strength when I need it. We will get through this TOGETHER and come out stronger on the other side. Thank you for loving me unconditionally!
I had pretty much come to the realization that although my thoughts were probably normal for anyone who has been on (or is going through) this cancer journey, it was a little crazy in all reality. No matter how much this journey stinks, or how badly I feel, I owe it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I owe it to a lot of people to fight this battle with all of my might. I can not give up. I have too many people fighting along side me to simply raise the white flag and give in.
I was just beginning to come around to this realization, when all of a sudden Wednesday night I noticed a place under my incision that was swollen and discolored. And when I touched it, it hurt. It was really sore. It was reallly ugly (and gross). So I racked my brain to try to figure out what in the world it could be. I had no idea. What makes something swell up 2 months after surgery, when everything is healed well?
I called my plastic surgeon Thursday morning as soon as they opened and told them I probably needed to come in. I was seen that afternoon when I got off from work, and once again, he was able to pull off some fluid. Not just a little fluid with no other concerns, but fluid that was yellow and gross. Fluid that needed cultured. Yes, I had another infection on my mastectomy side. It really makes no sense because there isn't anything in there to really cause infection, especially 2 months after the last surgery for infection. But, normal or not, that's where I was. Thankfully I caught it early enough that I hadn't gotten sick(yet) like last time.
So, my 4th of the really aggressive chemo treatments was postponed until next week, and I had outpatient surgery this morning to clean out all of the infection again. While none of it really makes perfect sense medically, it is absolute perfect timing for me. It helped me to realize that I am still in this battle fighting and I CAN NOT give up. The chemo, although hated, is not just for pre-cautionary measures. It is absolutely needed and this most recent surgery helped me realize that 100%.
So the infection was cleaned out, my wound has been left open so infection can continue to drain (sorry if you have a weak stomach), and the discolored skin taken off and sent to be biopsied (just in case). We are waiting to see what the cultures grow from the fluid that was removed so that they will know what medication I need to be on, and whether I can take it by mouth or need IV antibiotics. We also will await the biopsy results of the skin and hope that it is benign. The healing of my wound will be a long process due to my body's deacreased healing ability from chemo. We will start by packing the incision, but we may eventually end up with a wound vac. Either way, any swimming this summer is out of the question. It will probably be a long healing process. But I must simply remind myself that this is temporary. This too shall pass. This is just another bump in the road, but I will come down the other side and continue the journey.
While I was a little disappointed that the final of the bad treatments had to be rescheduled because I was ready to get it over with, I have been able to enjoy some much needed time with my husband for our 10th anniversary. We thought we would spend it with me sleeping in the recliner all weekend, too sick to do anything, but we were able to go out to eat last night on a little anniversary date. We got to sit outside tonight and watch the kids play. And tomorrow we get to simply relax and be lazy all day together. So that is a small blessing among the latest bump in the road. Also, tonight you would never know I've had surgery today. There is no pain, no medicine, no sleeping. I feel great. If it weren't for the bandages and dressing, I would probably forget I had surgery today.
Thank you for all of your continued prayers and encouragement. They mean the world to me and keep me going each day, but especially the bad ones. Please don't stop.
Happy Anniversary to my wonderful Husband! I love you Jamie with all of my heart. I couldn't do this without you. You've been there for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know this is all just as hard on you as it is me, but thank you for being my tower of strength when I need it. We will get through this TOGETHER and come out stronger on the other side. Thank you for loving me unconditionally!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
It just stinks
So, my last post was on the positive side of dealing with a cancer diagnosis- this one is just the opposite. Not to be Debbie Downer, but sometimes this journey just stinks. I try to remember to take things one day at a time, but some days are definitely better than others.
After this third treatment, I have really struggled. I've struggled with side effects, I've struggled getting back to feeling halfway "normal" after the treatment, I've struggled with a lot of WHY questions, and I've struggled with looking toward the future. A lot of people tell me how strong they think I am- so maybe this post needs a disclaimer...after reading this post you may not see me as strong. In fact, you may even see my weak side, because lately I haven't really felt very strong.
You know what stinks? It stinks to spend an entire 4 days laid up in a recliner, with barely enough energy to walk to the bathroom. It stinks to spend an entire weekend listening to your kids playing outside and wishing so badly to be out there with them. It stinks to spend your husband's birthday sleeping in a recliner all day. It stinks to feel sick to your stomach, I mean really sick, with little to no relief. It stinks to ache so badly that simply laying in bed on a pillow hurts. It stinks to not have a head full of hair to fix however you want. It stinks to sit in a room with 4 other people watching as the nurses administer their doses of poison for the week- to hear their stories, to see their fragile hairless bodies, and to wonder how badly you will look when this is all over. It stinks to wonder when (or if) this battle will be over. It stinks to know that after these 4 horrible treatments, there are 12 more treatments still waiting to be administered. Oh yeah, then there are at least 6 weeks of radiation, then more surgery...wow. Will it ever end? It stinks to try so hard to be positive, but then Satan still allows those moments of fear and doubt to creep in on almost a daily basis. It stinks to try to think about the future. Seriously. I do try to stay positive, and I do trust and pray that God will heal me, but...
I know I haven't posted a lot throughout this journey like I had planned to do. I just haven't really had anything that I was really inspired to write about. In fact, some nights I sit at the computer to write a post, and NOTHING comes. Not even a few sentences. Other times I am either too sick to think about writing, or I feel so good that I am busy enjoying life with no time to post.
So why this post? Why share these feelings? Why not just keep this to myself and put a smile on my face and keep going? Well, because if you read my profile to the right, it says that we may not be interesting, but we are real. If I'm going to share the good and positive things, then I must also be transparent and share the not so pretty side as well. If I am going to post along this journey, then I promise to not only post good stuff- that would be fake. No one enjoys cancer or any part of it. Trying to make it appear that way is extremely inaccurate. You gotta take the good with the bad, and tonight Cancer stinks. I hate that I have it. I hate that my kids know the word so well. I hate that they have to ask when I get more medicine to make me sick again. I hate having to make summer plans around treatment days so as not to interfere. I just hate everything about it. No I don't need medicinefor depression. I will be fine. I will keep taking things one day at a time and keep moving forward. But tonight, I'm just mad. Tonight I wonder "Why me?" Tonight I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream "I am finished! No more chemo!" Tonight I am allowing myself to have a pity-party.
But the good news is...There's always tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will get up, put a smile on my face, thank God for another day on the earth, and take another step forward. Tomorrow I will remind myself that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, and I will remind myself that God is right by my side holding my hand and cheering me on.
After this third treatment, I have really struggled. I've struggled with side effects, I've struggled getting back to feeling halfway "normal" after the treatment, I've struggled with a lot of WHY questions, and I've struggled with looking toward the future. A lot of people tell me how strong they think I am- so maybe this post needs a disclaimer...after reading this post you may not see me as strong. In fact, you may even see my weak side, because lately I haven't really felt very strong.
You know what stinks? It stinks to spend an entire 4 days laid up in a recliner, with barely enough energy to walk to the bathroom. It stinks to spend an entire weekend listening to your kids playing outside and wishing so badly to be out there with them. It stinks to spend your husband's birthday sleeping in a recliner all day. It stinks to feel sick to your stomach, I mean really sick, with little to no relief. It stinks to ache so badly that simply laying in bed on a pillow hurts. It stinks to not have a head full of hair to fix however you want. It stinks to sit in a room with 4 other people watching as the nurses administer their doses of poison for the week- to hear their stories, to see their fragile hairless bodies, and to wonder how badly you will look when this is all over. It stinks to wonder when (or if) this battle will be over. It stinks to know that after these 4 horrible treatments, there are 12 more treatments still waiting to be administered. Oh yeah, then there are at least 6 weeks of radiation, then more surgery...wow. Will it ever end? It stinks to try so hard to be positive, but then Satan still allows those moments of fear and doubt to creep in on almost a daily basis. It stinks to try to think about the future. Seriously. I do try to stay positive, and I do trust and pray that God will heal me, but...
I know I haven't posted a lot throughout this journey like I had planned to do. I just haven't really had anything that I was really inspired to write about. In fact, some nights I sit at the computer to write a post, and NOTHING comes. Not even a few sentences. Other times I am either too sick to think about writing, or I feel so good that I am busy enjoying life with no time to post.
So why this post? Why share these feelings? Why not just keep this to myself and put a smile on my face and keep going? Well, because if you read my profile to the right, it says that we may not be interesting, but we are real. If I'm going to share the good and positive things, then I must also be transparent and share the not so pretty side as well. If I am going to post along this journey, then I promise to not only post good stuff- that would be fake. No one enjoys cancer or any part of it. Trying to make it appear that way is extremely inaccurate. You gotta take the good with the bad, and tonight Cancer stinks. I hate that I have it. I hate that my kids know the word so well. I hate that they have to ask when I get more medicine to make me sick again. I hate having to make summer plans around treatment days so as not to interfere. I just hate everything about it. No I don't need medicinefor depression. I will be fine. I will keep taking things one day at a time and keep moving forward. But tonight, I'm just mad. Tonight I wonder "Why me?" Tonight I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream "I am finished! No more chemo!" Tonight I am allowing myself to have a pity-party.
But the good news is...There's always tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will get up, put a smile on my face, thank God for another day on the earth, and take another step forward. Tomorrow I will remind myself that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, and I will remind myself that God is right by my side holding my hand and cheering me on.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Pros of Cancer
Sounds like a terrible title for a post, huh? Can there really be "Pros" to having cancer? I think so. Everyone has an idea of the bad parts of cancer, I mean, even just saying the word sends chills down the spines of most. But I think it's important to also be able to see the good in every situation- even a cancer diagnosis.
So what kind of good things can I say about cancer? Here's the list I've started so far...and I plan to keep adding to it throughout this journey, because I know there will be many more.
So what kind of good things can I say about cancer? Here's the list I've started so far...and I plan to keep adding to it throughout this journey, because I know there will be many more.
- Support- The amount of support that our family is getting from so many people is absolutely overwhelming. I see people that I don't even know wearing "Andrea's Army" t shirts and bracelets. I get cards in the mail from people I have never met. And then there's the people I do know...and that Army is a big one! I couldn't ask for a better support system to help get me through this.
- Prayers- There is no greater comfort than knowing your name is being lifted up in prayer by a huge group of people. It's just that feeling of wondering if God gets tired of hearing my name each day (which I know he doesn't) that puts a smile on my face. I like to think of it as a child who really, really wants something and they keep asking over and over..."Please, mommy, please...please...mommy?, mommy? please?" until the mother just wants to say 'Ok- whatever you want, just please quit asking." Seriously I know that is not a good comparison, but just thinking about all of the prayer warriors out there bringing our family's name before God makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)
- The Little Things- The big C rocks your world when you first get the diagnosis, but as you begin the journey you realize just how special those little moments are in the big picture. Healthy Andrea would have enjoyed going to Karlie's dance recital, but cancer Andrea realized what a special event it was- memories being made that we will look back on for years to come. Little things, like snuggling on the couch, mean so much more now than they did pre-diagnosis. Not that they didn't matter, just that they matter more now. I try to take each moment with my kids and make the most of it, especially while I'm feeling good. Because on the weekends after treatments, I don't really get to be a mom.
- Stronger relationships- My relationships have all been strengthened through all of this. My parents, my siblings, friends, everyone I am around- but especially with Jamie. He has been so good through all of this. I really don't even know how to put into words how thankful I am for him. I know this has not been easy on him, but he has handled all of it with such grace and strength. He is a super-dad, super-husband, super-caretaker..I could go on and on. He has stepped up to the plate, faced all the changes head on, and has never complained even once. I couldn't ask for a better husband to support me and help me get through this journey.
- Planting a seed- So many people have shared with me stories of people who have been touched by our story. Please don't take this one the wrong way, because I am not taking credit for any of this, but God is bringing people to him through our story. Some people are praying more, some are realizing what is most important in life, some are questioning their own relationships, some are deciding to start a relationship with God. I love to hear these stories. They really have absolutely nothing to do with me or my family, but it's God shining through our situation to bring others to Him. And if even one person gets closer to God from hearing our story, then it is all worth it in the end.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Chemo #1
It's been exactly one week since my first chemo treatment. For the first 3 days I was so sick I couldn't do anything, including write a post, and for the past 4 days I have felt so good I haven't had the time to post!
How was the first treatment? Well, it was bad. I realize it could have been much worse, but to me, it just stunk. The nausea hit me Thursday afternoon not too long after getting home. And the pills they told me to take for nausea? Yea, well they didn't work. But I alternated the 2 medications all weekend, will little relief. Along with the nausea, I simply felt awful- no pain, just an overall feeling bad. I also had zero energy. I spent the entire weekend wrapped in a blanket in my recliner.
By Sunday, I was determined no matter how badly I felt, I WAS going to church with my family. I WOULD be there Easter Sunday. I WOULD make it to my mom's to watch the kids hunt eggs and fly kites and ride the 4wheeler. So, I got up and showered. Then I got dressed and started getting the kids ready. I really felt terrible, but I kept telling myself to keep going. Finally I realized there was absolutely no way I could make it. I just wasn't ready. I was too sick and too weak to go anywhere. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. After being sick for 3 days and not knowing when I would feel better, I hit an emotional low Sunday. I threw my positive attitude out the window and started convincing myself that I CAN"T do this. Really. It was bad. If I'm being honest, it was the lowest point I've been at emotionally in a very long time. I was mad that I wasn't well enough to spend time with my husband and kids, I was frustrated because I was so sore from my port placement that I could hardly move my "good" arm, I was upset because I felt like I was missing out on part of my kids' lives, and I began to fear the future.
However, finally Sunday evening there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, almost as if a light switch had been pushed, I wasn't nauseous anymore. Food actually sounded good, although I was a little hesitant to eat in fear the nausea would return. But I grabbed on to this small piece of hope and held on tightly.
By Monday morning, I still had the horrible metallic taste in my mouth, but no nausea. So I decided I was finished having my pity-party from Sunday. It was time to put on my big girl panties and move on. So I got ready and went to work. That was the best thing I could have done. Yes I was tired, but I made it through the day and felt great. It actually felt almost normal, you know, like an ordinary day.
So I've been able to work all this week and that is good for my spirit. It's good for my kids, too, because we are all back on our normal routine where we spend 2 hours a day in the car together going to and from school, talking and singing. Each day I feel a little better. It has been a great week. I now understand exactly why these treatments are every other week- just when you think you can't go through it again, you start to feel better...and you enjoy feeling good for a week and a half to convince yourself you CAN do it again, just in time for the next treatment.
My next treatment is a week from today, April 19. I plan to enjoy feeling great from now until then. And if I know that I will only be sick for 3 days, then I will try to keep that in perspective for the next one and not allow myself to hop off the positive train this round. I do have one concern, though, that I would really like to ask for prayers about. Karlie's 1st ever dance recital is Saturday the 21st- yep, 2 days after my treatment. I am not going to miss this recital. I'm planning to ask about some different meds or things I can do to maybe not be so sick on Saturday. She has worked so hard and is so excited- I have to be there for her. Also, the opening act is her class doing a dance with their dads to the Steven Curtis Chapman song "I Danced with Cinderella". I do not want to miss this. These are memories. I don't want to just have to see pictures- I want to be there to be a part of these memories. So will you please pray that I will be able to attend her recital? I don't have to feel great- I just have to be able to get out of the recliner and make it to the recital.
Thanks so much! Our family has been wrapped in prayer and support from so many people. We appreciate this more than you know. My list for thank you cards continues to grow each day, no matter how many I get sent out. We truly are overwhelmed by your love. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
How was the first treatment? Well, it was bad. I realize it could have been much worse, but to me, it just stunk. The nausea hit me Thursday afternoon not too long after getting home. And the pills they told me to take for nausea? Yea, well they didn't work. But I alternated the 2 medications all weekend, will little relief. Along with the nausea, I simply felt awful- no pain, just an overall feeling bad. I also had zero energy. I spent the entire weekend wrapped in a blanket in my recliner.
By Sunday, I was determined no matter how badly I felt, I WAS going to church with my family. I WOULD be there Easter Sunday. I WOULD make it to my mom's to watch the kids hunt eggs and fly kites and ride the 4wheeler. So, I got up and showered. Then I got dressed and started getting the kids ready. I really felt terrible, but I kept telling myself to keep going. Finally I realized there was absolutely no way I could make it. I just wasn't ready. I was too sick and too weak to go anywhere. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. After being sick for 3 days and not knowing when I would feel better, I hit an emotional low Sunday. I threw my positive attitude out the window and started convincing myself that I CAN"T do this. Really. It was bad. If I'm being honest, it was the lowest point I've been at emotionally in a very long time. I was mad that I wasn't well enough to spend time with my husband and kids, I was frustrated because I was so sore from my port placement that I could hardly move my "good" arm, I was upset because I felt like I was missing out on part of my kids' lives, and I began to fear the future.
However, finally Sunday evening there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, almost as if a light switch had been pushed, I wasn't nauseous anymore. Food actually sounded good, although I was a little hesitant to eat in fear the nausea would return. But I grabbed on to this small piece of hope and held on tightly.
By Monday morning, I still had the horrible metallic taste in my mouth, but no nausea. So I decided I was finished having my pity-party from Sunday. It was time to put on my big girl panties and move on. So I got ready and went to work. That was the best thing I could have done. Yes I was tired, but I made it through the day and felt great. It actually felt almost normal, you know, like an ordinary day.
So I've been able to work all this week and that is good for my spirit. It's good for my kids, too, because we are all back on our normal routine where we spend 2 hours a day in the car together going to and from school, talking and singing. Each day I feel a little better. It has been a great week. I now understand exactly why these treatments are every other week- just when you think you can't go through it again, you start to feel better...and you enjoy feeling good for a week and a half to convince yourself you CAN do it again, just in time for the next treatment.
My next treatment is a week from today, April 19. I plan to enjoy feeling great from now until then. And if I know that I will only be sick for 3 days, then I will try to keep that in perspective for the next one and not allow myself to hop off the positive train this round. I do have one concern, though, that I would really like to ask for prayers about. Karlie's 1st ever dance recital is Saturday the 21st- yep, 2 days after my treatment. I am not going to miss this recital. I'm planning to ask about some different meds or things I can do to maybe not be so sick on Saturday. She has worked so hard and is so excited- I have to be there for her. Also, the opening act is her class doing a dance with their dads to the Steven Curtis Chapman song "I Danced with Cinderella". I do not want to miss this. These are memories. I don't want to just have to see pictures- I want to be there to be a part of these memories. So will you please pray that I will be able to attend her recital? I don't have to feel great- I just have to be able to get out of the recliner and make it to the recital.
Thanks so much! Our family has been wrapped in prayer and support from so many people. We appreciate this more than you know. My list for thank you cards continues to grow each day, no matter how many I get sent out. We truly are overwhelmed by your love. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Let the games begin...And may the odds be ever in your favor!
Just a little quote from Hunger Games to begin this post! I have been doing really good the past few days and I was able to get out of the house and go on a few adventures. I started this past Thursday night by going to the midnight premier of the Hunger Games. I absolutely loved it and had a great time. I had read all 3 books during Christmas vacation and I have been counting down til the movie- I was disappointed when I thought there would be no way for me to go, so when I felt good and had a good visit with the doctor that day, I decided to go all out!
Friday night the kids all went to spend the night with Meme and that allowed Jamie and me to spend some time together relaxing and going out to eat with real adult conversations. I enjoyed it tremendously.
Saturday included more relaxing (before the kids came home). It was much needed relaxing, especially for Jamie. I have to brag on him - he has been absolutely fantastic. He is such a wonderful husband and father. I don't know what I'd do without him. Especially this last hospital stay- he had to practically help me do EVERYTHING, because they put my IV in the bend of my arm on the only good arm I have, which limited my range of motion on that side too. Even eating was a challenge!
Sunday we were able to go to worship as a family, which was wonderful! It had been a month since we had been able to do this and it was great to be back and see everyone, and to hear a great sermon on the 23rd Psalm. I then spent the day with one of my best friends, visiting one of our teachers who just had surgery, and then meeting up with some other friends for lunch. I have never been so glad to get out of the house! It was a great day!
Today was the cherry on top...I am so happy tonight as I post this! In fact, I feel a little less tied down...you see, I have had drainage tubes coming out of my side for a month straight...I fully realize their importance and why I have them, but they drive me crazy. In fact, they have been the majority of my frustrations! Forget any pain, I can handle that! But trying to hide the tubes, sleep with the tubes, wear clothes that don't rub the tubes, etc.. You get the point. Well, today my FABULOUS doctor took out both of my drainage tubes!!!! Hooray! He also took out the stitches from my most recent incision, and the best part....He gave me permission to take a quick trip to the beach before I begin my treatments! YAHOO! Have I mentioned how wonderful he is??
So, lots of good things happening today! We also found out today that I will have my Port placed next Tuesday and I will begin my treatments next Thursday. Yep, next week I will finally begin the next phase of this journey. Am I ready? Yes, because you can't finish if you don't start...and the sooner you start, the sooner you finish. BUT, I honestly am a little frightened about it, too. I have no idea how my body will react to the treatments and that's a little (ok, a lot) scary. Considering the track record of my body over the past 2 months, I don't have a lot of confidence in it!
I will just have to stay focused and not allow these fears to overtake me. I must stay focused. I must remind myself that God is by my side, holding my hand, and he will never leave me. I must also think of all of you, lifting our family up in prayer, and ready to stand by our side every step through this entire journey. We can do this! And what a celebration we will have when this journey is over and we come out victorious!
So, as we prepare for next week, the Hunger Games quote seems to be appropriate : "Let the games begin! And may the odds be ever in your favor!" (Effie Trinkett)
Friday night the kids all went to spend the night with Meme and that allowed Jamie and me to spend some time together relaxing and going out to eat with real adult conversations. I enjoyed it tremendously.
Saturday included more relaxing (before the kids came home). It was much needed relaxing, especially for Jamie. I have to brag on him - he has been absolutely fantastic. He is such a wonderful husband and father. I don't know what I'd do without him. Especially this last hospital stay- he had to practically help me do EVERYTHING, because they put my IV in the bend of my arm on the only good arm I have, which limited my range of motion on that side too. Even eating was a challenge!
Sunday we were able to go to worship as a family, which was wonderful! It had been a month since we had been able to do this and it was great to be back and see everyone, and to hear a great sermon on the 23rd Psalm. I then spent the day with one of my best friends, visiting one of our teachers who just had surgery, and then meeting up with some other friends for lunch. I have never been so glad to get out of the house! It was a great day!
Today was the cherry on top...I am so happy tonight as I post this! In fact, I feel a little less tied down...you see, I have had drainage tubes coming out of my side for a month straight...I fully realize their importance and why I have them, but they drive me crazy. In fact, they have been the majority of my frustrations! Forget any pain, I can handle that! But trying to hide the tubes, sleep with the tubes, wear clothes that don't rub the tubes, etc.. You get the point. Well, today my FABULOUS doctor took out both of my drainage tubes!!!! Hooray! He also took out the stitches from my most recent incision, and the best part....He gave me permission to take a quick trip to the beach before I begin my treatments! YAHOO! Have I mentioned how wonderful he is??
So, lots of good things happening today! We also found out today that I will have my Port placed next Tuesday and I will begin my treatments next Thursday. Yep, next week I will finally begin the next phase of this journey. Am I ready? Yes, because you can't finish if you don't start...and the sooner you start, the sooner you finish. BUT, I honestly am a little frightened about it, too. I have no idea how my body will react to the treatments and that's a little (ok, a lot) scary. Considering the track record of my body over the past 2 months, I don't have a lot of confidence in it!
I will just have to stay focused and not allow these fears to overtake me. I must stay focused. I must remind myself that God is by my side, holding my hand, and he will never leave me. I must also think of all of you, lifting our family up in prayer, and ready to stand by our side every step through this entire journey. We can do this! And what a celebration we will have when this journey is over and we come out victorious!
So, as we prepare for next week, the Hunger Games quote seems to be appropriate : "Let the games begin! And may the odds be ever in your favor!" (Effie Trinkett)
Monday, March 19, 2012
The plan...
Ok, well Jamie and I are breathing a little easier tonight. Not because anything wonderful or spectacular happened at the oncology visit today, but just because we have a plan and KNOW what to expect, and like I've said before, there is comfort in having a plan.
So here it is: 20 weeks total of chemotherapy. 8 weeks of Adriamycin and Cytoxan, given every other week. Then 12 weeks of Taxol, given every week. After chemo I will also have radiation, although we won't go into the specifics of how many treatments until that time gets closer. After all chemo and radiation treatments are finished I will also have 5 years of hormone therapy, but that is just medication taken by mouth.
They are hoping to get started either the first or second week of April, depending on how well I continue to recover from the most recent infection and procedure.
So my goal is that by Christmas of this year I will be pronounced cancer free!
I know this won't be easy, but I am ready to get started. Thank you for your prayers today and everyday. Your prayers and support, as well as God's strength, are what keep us going each day.
***As a side note: We did not see the doctor we were supposed to see today...not sure what happened. But after waiting 45 minutes back in a room, the doctor I had already seen before surgery came in to tell us the treatment plan. I know they all work together so, I am trying to decide if it matters which one I see when I go, as long as I feel comfortable and get all my questions answered, which I did today. Jury is still out on how I feel about this.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Home Again and Doing Great!
I was finally discharged from the hospital this past Thursday with some very strong antibiotics to take for the next 14 days. I was so glad to be home! I have never spent that much time in the hospital, and I have a new understanding of how easy it is to get down and depressed with each day that goes by. I really feel for those who spend weeks at a time in the hospital- by Wednesday, I had decided it was time to have a pity-party. I really wanted to go home, but when they told me I just wasn't ready yet, I felt sorry for myself. So Wednesday was a really bad day, emotionally speaking, where I think I really had a lot of time to think and come face to face with the journey I have just begun. I know everyone keeps saying how strong I am, but in reality, I am not strong. I am weak, but in my weak moments I pray and ask God to hold me up, to get me through, to push me forward. Well, during my pity-party Wednesday I simply allowed myself to feel like I was all alone in this journey. I know that is the farthest thing from the truth, but when you don't feel great and you have a lot of time to just sit and think, you can easily convince yourself of anything. I allowed myself to lose focus of all of the people out there supporting me through prayer, t-shirts, bracelets, cards, etc. I allowed myself to forget that God was right there beside me at the hospital, helping my body heal and get stronger each day. I guess that's a natural thing, but let me tell you- it's lonely.
Somehow a few friends of mine knew (or maybe just suspected) that I was having a bad day, and they decided to make a surprise visit to the hospital- even though I had been placed in isolation. They came in with a giant picture collage from my pink party, as well as some of my favorite snacks. We did a lot of laughing that night, and it was exactly what I needed to remind myself that I am never alone in this journey. God is always there, but so are a whole host of friends, family, and complete strangers- standing by my side, lifting me up in prayer, and ready to be there on those difficult days.
My and Jamie's families have been an absolute blessing through all of this, helping keep some normalcy and routine for the kids while I was stuck at the hospital. I really don't know what we'd do without them all being so close to us and willing to help out whenever and however they can.
I came home with the directions to get plenty of rest. Let me tell you, no one is having to fight me to follow these orders. This infection completely wiped me out! I can get up and do a few things and then it is straight back to my recliner to rest. I am not being stubborn. While I know I didn't do anything to cause the infection, I am not risking doing anything to cause another setback. I am following doctor's orders and getting plenty of rest.
Other than the exhaustion, I really feel pretty good considering what my body has been through the past 2 weeks. I don't have much pain at all, other than some soreness. Sleeping is sometime difficult as it's hard to get comfortable while making sure my left arm is in a good position to allow the fluid to drain, making sure the drainage tubes (I have 2 again) aren't kinked or somewhere they could be yanked out while I sleep, and just trying to be in a comfortable position for the soreness from the 2 surgeries. That is pretty much my only complaint.
I apologize for not updating the blog more frequently. I tend to do short updates on Facebook, but then I was reminded that there are people checking the blog who aren't on facebook. So I will try to do better with the updates on here, even if they tend to be short rather than long.
Monday is our rescheduled appointment with the oncologist. It's Monday afternoon so I will post again Monday night as we are hoping to have a plan and lots of answers when we leave that appointment. Please pray that this appointment will go well- Jamie and I already have a slight bad taste in our mouth after the doctor refused to come and see us while I was in the hospital, even though his office is attached to the hospital and required a short walk down a hallway. I pray that our minds are changed on Monday when we meet face to face.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! The weather around here is absolutely gorgeous and I was able to enjoy some time outside today, which felt great. Keep praying! Let's move forward in this journey!
Somehow a few friends of mine knew (or maybe just suspected) that I was having a bad day, and they decided to make a surprise visit to the hospital- even though I had been placed in isolation. They came in with a giant picture collage from my pink party, as well as some of my favorite snacks. We did a lot of laughing that night, and it was exactly what I needed to remind myself that I am never alone in this journey. God is always there, but so are a whole host of friends, family, and complete strangers- standing by my side, lifting me up in prayer, and ready to be there on those difficult days.
My and Jamie's families have been an absolute blessing through all of this, helping keep some normalcy and routine for the kids while I was stuck at the hospital. I really don't know what we'd do without them all being so close to us and willing to help out whenever and however they can.
I came home with the directions to get plenty of rest. Let me tell you, no one is having to fight me to follow these orders. This infection completely wiped me out! I can get up and do a few things and then it is straight back to my recliner to rest. I am not being stubborn. While I know I didn't do anything to cause the infection, I am not risking doing anything to cause another setback. I am following doctor's orders and getting plenty of rest.
Other than the exhaustion, I really feel pretty good considering what my body has been through the past 2 weeks. I don't have much pain at all, other than some soreness. Sleeping is sometime difficult as it's hard to get comfortable while making sure my left arm is in a good position to allow the fluid to drain, making sure the drainage tubes (I have 2 again) aren't kinked or somewhere they could be yanked out while I sleep, and just trying to be in a comfortable position for the soreness from the 2 surgeries. That is pretty much my only complaint.
I apologize for not updating the blog more frequently. I tend to do short updates on Facebook, but then I was reminded that there are people checking the blog who aren't on facebook. So I will try to do better with the updates on here, even if they tend to be short rather than long.
Monday is our rescheduled appointment with the oncologist. It's Monday afternoon so I will post again Monday night as we are hoping to have a plan and lots of answers when we leave that appointment. Please pray that this appointment will go well- Jamie and I already have a slight bad taste in our mouth after the doctor refused to come and see us while I was in the hospital, even though his office is attached to the hospital and required a short walk down a hallway. I pray that our minds are changed on Monday when we meet face to face.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! The weather around here is absolutely gorgeous and I was able to enjoy some time outside today, which felt great. Keep praying! Let's move forward in this journey!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
What happened?
I was doing so good. Recovering just like I should, incisions looking great, and feeling great. We were looking forward to our appt with the oncologist (supposed to be today) so we could find out the plan and move forward in our journey. Then Friday afternoon I began having more pain than I had experienced since leaving the hospital. I met my dr after hours to let him have a look and everything looked fine. There was a little redness but nothing out of the ordinary. So he did a few things and told me to let him know in the morning if I wasn't better. Well, I wasn't better-in fact Saturday morning I was hurting so badly I couldn't get comfortable so Jamie took me back to his office Saturday morning. This time he tried to pull fluid from the surgical site to check for infection but there was no excess fluid that he could pull off. So he wrote me some prescriptions and told me to let him know if I didn't get better. By Sunday morning the nausea and vomiting started. I couldn't keep anything down, which also meant I couldn't take my pain meds. I have never been that sick in my entire life!
Finally my family told me enough was enough-they were calling the dr and taking me to the ER. I kept fighting this because I knew I couldn't sit in the waiting room because I was so sick. My wonderful doctor agreed and decided I needed tests run to figure out why I was so sick-especially 11days after surgery. Most infections show up within the first week. So Sunday night around 5:30 I was admitted and the testing began.
My poor hand looks like a pin cushion. They needed lots of blood and I was dehydrated which made finding a good vein even more difficult. By the time they finished I had lost all strength and I was a big baby. I was crying because I didn't feel good and everyone who walked in the room did something to hurt me. It was definitely one of the lowest moments of this journey.
As the results came in my white blood cell count was very high, CT scan showed possible pneumonia but no fluid collection at my surgical site, and my heart rate was high. So I was started on antibiotics and they began trying to find where the infection was that was causing all of these symptoms. Monday morning my dr came back to try to pull off fluid again and this time he did get fluid and it didn't look pretty. My doctor was just sick. So he went to culture the fluid and told me if it started to grow then we would have to go in and check it out. In less than 2 hours my nurse came in and told me I had just been put on npo status, which told me I was having surgery again. Then my dr called me and told me he was going to have to go in and check things out. So I went back into surgery at 2:00 yesterday.
Once they got in there it was obvious that my body had rejected the foreign bodies that had been placed in for the reconstruction. It was so bad they had to take everything out and clean it out and l eave it out. Reconstruction will just have to wait until I have finished my treatments and am healthy once again.
I felt better immediately after surgery. Feeling even better today. I am not sure yet how much this will delay us but the oncologist did not come see us today, but did reschedule our appt for Monday the 19th. Not what we had hoped for, but it will have to do. We are still in the hospital tonight as we wait to get the results of the cultures to see which medications I need to be on to kill any lingering infection and to determine if it can be meds by mouth or if they have to be IV antibiotics. Also my blood pressure is low and they are having a hard time getting it back up. It's not dangerously low, but much lower than what it normally runs so they are watching it closely.
So that's where we re now. Not sure when we will get to go home but for now we are making the best of it. I even got to get wheeled outside and enjoy some sunshine! Thanks for the continued prayers and support. I received several pictures of teachers (and some students ) from Kinsley's school who wore their "Andrea's Army" shirts to school today and they brought me to tears, not because I was sad but because I was so overwhelmed by their love and support. I love you guys! We will keep fighting!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Gettin' Antsy and Some Results
Getting Antsy? That's me. I can only be forced to sit in my recliner and rest for so many days before I start going CRAZY. And today, that' exactly where I found myself. So, I talked my mom in to taking me out of the house. "Where do you want to go?" she asked. "I don't care. Anywhere but here." So we hopped in the car (or slowly lowered myself with my pillowpet might be more accurate) and took off.
We went to her house for a little while, went and got lunch, strolled through Hobby Lobby, and ran a few other errands. The sunshine was wonderful and I was feeling as great as could be possible almost a week after surgery. I am proud to say that I have only taken my pain meds 2 times all day today and I still feel great! :) Yeah Baby!
Then this afternoon I went back to the doctor to have my incisions and drainage tubes checked. Everything looks good at this point as far as healing goes. I was able to get 1 of the tubes taken out which is wonderful because those things are a real pain in the backside trying to keep hidden when you are out and about in public! (I figure most people would not appreciate my drains hanging out for them to see all the fun stuff that fills them! So I do my best to hide them but don't feel successful at times.)
Overall the visit was a good one. We do have a more clear vision of this cancer and the tumor that I had because the pathology report from surgery is back. So...the tumor ended up being only a little bigger than 2 cm (I don't remember exactly but 2.1 or 2.3 or something). They ended up removing 16 total lymph nodes and of those 16 only 10 were positive. (only?). 10 didn't seem so bad to me because I originally had thought all of them were positive but after being sent to pathology, 10 out of 16 didn't seem so bad. But I guess I was wrong, though. Because having this many lymph nodes involved and the way they looked (some lymph nodes were nearly as large as the tumor) they have now put me at Stage III rather than Stage II.
Not exactly what you hope to hear, but as we were leaving I told my mom that this does not change my treatment at all. I still have cancer and I still have a battle. Haven't we known that since the beginning of February? Yes. Do I hate that it never seems to be the "typical" or "less severe" situation when I go to get results? yes I hate it. But I know I can't change it. There is absolutely nothing at this point I can do to make those results different.
What can I do? I can keep praying. I can keep asking my Army of friends to pray. And I can make the decision to do WHATEVER it takes to fight this cancer and kick it in the butt. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. So dear friends, I know there is a purpose in this that God will reveal, and I know he is by my side. BUT I also know that I have a lot more life to live. I have 2 daughters who need their mom to help them as they grow- to fight with as a teenager, and then be a best friend to when they have their own children. I have a son who will need reminded that he CAN do it and to never ever give up no matter how hard it gets. I have a husband who needs me, not only as his wife, but as his cheer leader and best friend. I have a family who need me- I am their laughter and strength. I also have a school full of children who need me- because I am the first smile that some of them see each morning. And better yet- I still have many people in my life who need to know Jesus and know what's it's like to have a relationship with him. I am not finished with the many purposes God placed me here on earth to accomplish. So giving up is not an option. Oh no- I will fight this to the end- and in the end I pray that God allows me to come out victorious.
We went to her house for a little while, went and got lunch, strolled through Hobby Lobby, and ran a few other errands. The sunshine was wonderful and I was feeling as great as could be possible almost a week after surgery. I am proud to say that I have only taken my pain meds 2 times all day today and I still feel great! :) Yeah Baby!
Then this afternoon I went back to the doctor to have my incisions and drainage tubes checked. Everything looks good at this point as far as healing goes. I was able to get 1 of the tubes taken out which is wonderful because those things are a real pain in the backside trying to keep hidden when you are out and about in public! (I figure most people would not appreciate my drains hanging out for them to see all the fun stuff that fills them! So I do my best to hide them but don't feel successful at times.)
Overall the visit was a good one. We do have a more clear vision of this cancer and the tumor that I had because the pathology report from surgery is back. So...the tumor ended up being only a little bigger than 2 cm (I don't remember exactly but 2.1 or 2.3 or something). They ended up removing 16 total lymph nodes and of those 16 only 10 were positive. (only?). 10 didn't seem so bad to me because I originally had thought all of them were positive but after being sent to pathology, 10 out of 16 didn't seem so bad. But I guess I was wrong, though. Because having this many lymph nodes involved and the way they looked (some lymph nodes were nearly as large as the tumor) they have now put me at Stage III rather than Stage II.
Not exactly what you hope to hear, but as we were leaving I told my mom that this does not change my treatment at all. I still have cancer and I still have a battle. Haven't we known that since the beginning of February? Yes. Do I hate that it never seems to be the "typical" or "less severe" situation when I go to get results? yes I hate it. But I know I can't change it. There is absolutely nothing at this point I can do to make those results different.
What can I do? I can keep praying. I can keep asking my Army of friends to pray. And I can make the decision to do WHATEVER it takes to fight this cancer and kick it in the butt. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. So dear friends, I know there is a purpose in this that God will reveal, and I know he is by my side. BUT I also know that I have a lot more life to live. I have 2 daughters who need their mom to help them as they grow- to fight with as a teenager, and then be a best friend to when they have their own children. I have a son who will need reminded that he CAN do it and to never ever give up no matter how hard it gets. I have a husband who needs me, not only as his wife, but as his cheer leader and best friend. I have a family who need me- I am their laughter and strength. I also have a school full of children who need me- because I am the first smile that some of them see each morning. And better yet- I still have many people in my life who need to know Jesus and know what's it's like to have a relationship with him. I am not finished with the many purposes God placed me here on earth to accomplish. So giving up is not an option. Oh no- I will fight this to the end- and in the end I pray that God allows me to come out victorious.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
It's me!
I came home from the hospital Thursday morning. I was thankful to be so close to home as I held tight to my pillow pet which was wedged between myself and the seatbelt. I felt like Dorothy because there really is "no place like home". Since we've been home, I've spent a lot of time in my recliner. I have been able to keep my pain under control pretty well, except for when Jamie cleans my drains I start hurting really bad and even got really sick one time.
I went back to the surgeon yesterday who was very pleased with how well I am doing and how great my incisions are healing. Even though things didn't go as planned, I am doing great with Plan B.
It has taken me a little time to wrap my brain around the WHY questionss that I was asking after surgery but I think I understand enough now to be at peace with everything. We were originally doing both sides for a peace of mind for me mostly. So when I woke up and found out that only one side had been done because the other side was so bad, it naturally made me want the other side gone too. I don't think anyone likes to come out of surgery and be told they had to go with "Plan B". But I now understand the decision that was made and I realize that it was the best decision.
I still have cancer. I still have to have chemotherapy- none of that has changed. I may have to also have radiation due to the lymph node involvement. And now I will probably begin treatment sooner than originally planned.
What I don't know (or don't understand) is how that many lymph nodes were in that bad of shape without anyone knowing it. As soon as they opened me up and took one look at my nodes, they knew right then they weren't going to do the other side. The appearance, the shape, the hardness, the size of the lymph nodes took any question of whether they were involved or not out of the question. They removed 15 nodes and all of them were positive. While this scares me, I keep reminding myself that I had a cancer battle before we knew this and I have a cancer battle after knowing this- the only thing that may have changed is how aggresive of treatments I have to go through. I will probably also have a PET scan sometime in the near future to absolutely make sure there are no signs of cancer anywhere else in my body.
Physically I am doing well. I am keeping my pain under control overall. I do have moments of pain, and I make sure to take my medicine when it's time, but feeling good considering. Emotionally I am good. I am okay with how things have gone, I am okay with the fact that things don't "look" great yet because I know eventually they will. I am nervous about treatments and how my body will react to the treatments, but again it's something that has to be done so you just do it.
I am humbled by the huge support group of people surrounding our family. Everyone has been wonderful. Please keep praying as this journey is really just beginning. We have only taken the first step in a mile long journey.
Sorry if this post is all over the place- pain medicine is not helping my train of thought stay focused.
I went back to the surgeon yesterday who was very pleased with how well I am doing and how great my incisions are healing. Even though things didn't go as planned, I am doing great with Plan B.
It has taken me a little time to wrap my brain around the WHY questionss that I was asking after surgery but I think I understand enough now to be at peace with everything. We were originally doing both sides for a peace of mind for me mostly. So when I woke up and found out that only one side had been done because the other side was so bad, it naturally made me want the other side gone too. I don't think anyone likes to come out of surgery and be told they had to go with "Plan B". But I now understand the decision that was made and I realize that it was the best decision.
I still have cancer. I still have to have chemotherapy- none of that has changed. I may have to also have radiation due to the lymph node involvement. And now I will probably begin treatment sooner than originally planned.
What I don't know (or don't understand) is how that many lymph nodes were in that bad of shape without anyone knowing it. As soon as they opened me up and took one look at my nodes, they knew right then they weren't going to do the other side. The appearance, the shape, the hardness, the size of the lymph nodes took any question of whether they were involved or not out of the question. They removed 15 nodes and all of them were positive. While this scares me, I keep reminding myself that I had a cancer battle before we knew this and I have a cancer battle after knowing this- the only thing that may have changed is how aggresive of treatments I have to go through. I will probably also have a PET scan sometime in the near future to absolutely make sure there are no signs of cancer anywhere else in my body.
Physically I am doing well. I am keeping my pain under control overall. I do have moments of pain, and I make sure to take my medicine when it's time, but feeling good considering. Emotionally I am good. I am okay with how things have gone, I am okay with the fact that things don't "look" great yet because I know eventually they will. I am nervous about treatments and how my body will react to the treatments, but again it's something that has to be done so you just do it.
I am humbled by the huge support group of people surrounding our family. Everyone has been wonderful. Please keep praying as this journey is really just beginning. We have only taken the first step in a mile long journey.
Sorry if this post is all over the place- pain medicine is not helping my train of thought stay focused.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Update
I want to take the time to update everyone on our current situation. Things did not go as originally planned. Andie was scheduled to have a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. We knew going into surgery that a few of the lymph nodes were suspicious but wasn't sure how many. After the doctors got started, they determined that more nodes were involved than initially thought. This prompted them to make a change. They decided to do a mastectomy on the left side,remove 15 nodes, and leave the right side alone. Since then we have learned that the nodes were positive. This was certainly not the news we were expecting or hoping for. It is what it is and we will move forward thankful this surgery is over and hopeful all the cancer was removed.
So what now? Well, we really don't know where this journey will take us from this point. There are a lot of unanswered questions that we have. What treatments are next? Is chemo first or radiation? Will other tests need to be done?
Andie is still in a lot of pain and is battling terrible nausea. She tried getting up to walk twice but had to lay down before getting sick. She is in and out of it while taking her pain meds every 4 hours. She remains positive and optimistic and even told one family member who was upset not to worry about her because she was okay and would be fine! What a warrior! I love her determination. Extremely proud to call her my wife!
We hope to meet with the doctors tonight and find out some of the answers to our many questions. Until that happens, we will remain positive about the news, continue praying, and know that God is in total control of this situation and knows best.
I cannot thank each of you enough for the love and support shown to Andie and our family the last few weeks. I am truly humbled by all the cards,donations, and messages. The outpouring love is amazing. Thanks for hoping on the train and for taking this journey with us.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Pretty in Pink
Today some of my family, coworkers, and best friends threw a big party in my honor. What kind of party? A PINK PARTY! What is this, you ask? Well, none of us were sure exactly what it was, but it turned out FANTASTIC! Everyone wore pink...everything was decorated pink...there were pink cupcakes, pink drinks, pink balloons...absolutely everything was pink. And it was all for me- to show their love and support as I begin this journey toward kicking cancer in the butt!I do not have the right words to give what happened today any justice. I am completely overwhelmed. I literally had an army of people show up on a Sunday afternoon to show me that they have my back and they are going to walk beside me every step of the way. That many people- without any invitations being sent! Just a few flyers hung in schools and some text messages. None of you can possibly know how wonderful you made me feel today. Thank you for such a wonderful day that I will never forget! When I am having a bad day, or hurting, or feeling sorry for myself, I will think about this day- look at the pictures, read the cards, and think of all the hugs of love and support- and I know it will bring a smile to my face every time. My cup of blessings runneth over- and today those blessings were in the form of friendship.
I also went shopping this weekend to get some things for surgery and post-surgery. I have begun to pack my bag for the hospital...I have another wonderful new friend helping me out with that among other things. Seriously, one thing I have learned is that even if you have to go through something bad or trying in your life, God will place people in your life to help you through it. I have another sweet girl who is on my same journey- in fact she is about 2 weeks ahead of me- and she has been SO EXTREMELY helpful! I feel so much more confident about this surgery and winning this battle after meeting her and her husband. She is another one who is just so positive and optimistic, it's contagious!
It's been a great weekend! I realize I haven't posted in a while and I apologize but last week was just a completely normal week around our house and I enjoyed every minute of it. There will be plenty to post this week. If I can't, I will make Jamie or my dad, or someone who likes to write, promise to keep the blog up to date.
Tonight I want every person who reads this blog to know that you are special to me and I love each of you from the bottom of my heart, even if I've never met you in person. Thank you for your support, thank you for your love, but most of all- THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!
(A t-shirt order is in the works for shirts that have the design in the picture above. They are $10 and if you are interested you can send your money and size to Jennifer Hudgins 2370 Skyview Drive, Centerville, TN 37033)
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