I'm not sure why I expected it to be any different this time- Haven't I figured out by now that Plan A never works for me? My previous post discussed the clinical trial that I was so excited about- and how I was beginning all of the pre-testing necessary to get started. That was Plan A- which fell through the day before it was supposed to begin.
What happened? Well, during the testing it was discovered in my blood work that my liver enzymes were elevated slightly, and in my CT scan it was noted that along with the cancer still growing and spreading in my spine, the cancer has also spread to my liver. There are "several new small lesions." And having those results immediately disqualified me for the clinical trial, as well as made me very very angry for a few days.
Angry, ticked off, P*ssed off- whatever you want to call it- that's what I was. How does this happen? How from one month to the next do you go from finding out it's Bone only and hasn't spread, to now it's in your liver? Well, that's how aggressive this cancer is. It continues to grow and spread out of control right now. So I met with my oncologist this week and came up with a quick plan to try to get it back under control. The quick treatment to get started trying to stop the growth and spreading is chemo.
This chemo is different from what I've already had. This chemo is pill form that I take by mouth each morning and night. My current dose is 4 pills in the morning and 4 in the evening. It is supposed to be well-tolerated as opposed to the other chemo I went through, but they have had success with this treating people that other chemo and hormone therapy were not successful. In fact, my oncologist looked at me and said "We WILL get back in control of this." She is optimistic, and I trust her completely. I know she would never lead me in a wrong direction. Now, she's honest with me- she doesn't sugar coat anything, which I love. But with the honesty she also can still be positive and not all doom and gloom.
My anger is now gone. And I'm thankful that God is big enough to be able to handle when His children are angry at Him. I still know He is in control, but getting hit over and over with bad news- well, it just stinks. And after being so strong for so long, I allowed myself to turn my focus away from God for a short period in all of this and it became very overwhelming. Not only have I started hurting and having to take pain medication to deal with the pain, but since hearing the news people have started treating me differently. And if there's one thing I want in all of this, it's to be treated exactly the same. I don't want special treatment, I don't want sympathy looks, I don't want people to tell me I can't do something. But for the past week that's exactly what's happened, and instead of being angry, I've become an emotional wreck.
I've been through this journey knowing that God is in control, but also with the theory of "As long as I don't look sick or feel sick, then I can pretend I'm not sick." But now I do feel sick because of the pain- and when people start treating you like you're sick, that just one more thing to remind me of how big of a battle I'm in. But it's not just my battle- I still know God is right by my side, I just could use a break- some rest, some good news, instead of being beat down all the time.
However, I refuse to give in. I refuse to quit fighting or give up. So please don't feel sorry for me. Don't cry for me. Don't treat me differently. Pray. Pray for healing. And realize that none of us are promised tomorrow, so when you pray, also make sure that you enjoy each day that you are blessed with- be thankful for each day when you wake up. Don't complain about work, or kids, or dirty dishes. Be thankful that God blessed you and allowed you to have another day on this earth.
Once again I have had to remind myself to take things 1 day at a time. I cannot worry/stress/be anxious about the future. One day, one step, one moment. Be thankful. Make the best of it. Look at everything with a different perspective.
"This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."
Friday, August 2, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Taking another step in this journey
Tomorrow I will begin all of the pretesting necessary for the clinical trial that I will begin next week. I am both excited and nervous. Tomorrow I will have a full body CT scan, full body bone scan, EKG, and blood work. These will be used as a baseline for comparison reasons during the clinical trial. I'm excited because they have had great results on this trial thus far with other patients and are optimistic for me as well- plus little to no side effects. I'm nervous because I haven't been on any medication to fight the cancer for the past month- there has to be a time period of no treatment before beginning a new clinical trial- so I am a little nervous about what the scans will show. Hopefully it will still be contained in my bones and not have spread.
After all of the testing tomorrow, I will begin the trial next week. The trial is through the Sara Cannon Research Institute and consist of combining 2 pills that are already being used in cancer treatment to prove they fight cancer more aggressively in combination. Every 6-8 weeks I will have a scan to see how well it is working. At any point that it is determined it is not working, I immediately stop and go to another treatment, which they already have discussed with me (it includes chemo- so hopefully we won't get to that point). If the treatment is working and they are able to see positive results, I can continue it as long as it works.
Along with the clinial trial, I am also going to have a needle biopsy of some of the lesions in my spine- to see how that cancer compares in all areas with my original breast cancer. Knowing everything they can about the cancer in my spine, will help them determine why previous treatments haven't worked and what treatments may be better options. They are determining right now what point in time I need to have that bone biopsy completed. I may find that out tomorrow at the appointment.
Good news- so far the reconstruction recovery is going well! Things are healing well and so far my body hasn't rejected anything. It will be a few months before this process is complete, but so far, so good. Things are going great. I feel wonderful and am loving life! Thank you for your continued prayers.
A huge thank you to all of you who have given money to our family- either by the benefit, donations, in the mail, or being a part of one of our events. I have no idea how to thank each of your without spending all day everyday writing thank you notes. Please know how thankful we are for each of you. We now have a medical account set up that will help with my monthly medical bills, tests, and any surgeries that may be needed in the future. It also gives us the option for me to travel different places if needed for more trials, without worrying about putting our family into a financial burden. This medical account allows us to breathe easier as we look toward the future- with all the unknowns, it at least is comforting to know there are funds set aside to help pay for whatever treatment plan is needed to help me fight this beast of a cancer.
For now, Keep Praying, Keep fighting, Keep living!!
After all of the testing tomorrow, I will begin the trial next week. The trial is through the Sara Cannon Research Institute and consist of combining 2 pills that are already being used in cancer treatment to prove they fight cancer more aggressively in combination. Every 6-8 weeks I will have a scan to see how well it is working. At any point that it is determined it is not working, I immediately stop and go to another treatment, which they already have discussed with me (it includes chemo- so hopefully we won't get to that point). If the treatment is working and they are able to see positive results, I can continue it as long as it works.
Along with the clinial trial, I am also going to have a needle biopsy of some of the lesions in my spine- to see how that cancer compares in all areas with my original breast cancer. Knowing everything they can about the cancer in my spine, will help them determine why previous treatments haven't worked and what treatments may be better options. They are determining right now what point in time I need to have that bone biopsy completed. I may find that out tomorrow at the appointment.
Good news- so far the reconstruction recovery is going well! Things are healing well and so far my body hasn't rejected anything. It will be a few months before this process is complete, but so far, so good. Things are going great. I feel wonderful and am loving life! Thank you for your continued prayers.
A huge thank you to all of you who have given money to our family- either by the benefit, donations, in the mail, or being a part of one of our events. I have no idea how to thank each of your without spending all day everyday writing thank you notes. Please know how thankful we are for each of you. We now have a medical account set up that will help with my monthly medical bills, tests, and any surgeries that may be needed in the future. It also gives us the option for me to travel different places if needed for more trials, without worrying about putting our family into a financial burden. This medical account allows us to breathe easier as we look toward the future- with all the unknowns, it at least is comforting to know there are funds set aside to help pay for whatever treatment plan is needed to help me fight this beast of a cancer.
For now, Keep Praying, Keep fighting, Keep living!!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Please don't pinch me...
I recently had a CT scan of my entire body because the doctors were concerned that my cancer had spread outside the bones and found its way into an organ. This was based on the fact that one of my tumor markers had risen and a recent MRI of my back showed that the cancer had spread into my spine just since my PET scan back in February. It was a pretty scary time, as I was faced with the fact that if it had spread outside the bones, then my hourglass of time left on the earth was emptying much faster than expected. However, if it was found to only be in my bones, then it would not be life-threatening as long as we could find a treatment that would keep it contained to the bones.
After the luck that I've had through this journey of always seeming to get bad news or always going with Plan B, I have to be honest and tell you I did not feel good about those results at all. In fact I had myself convinced that it had spread somewhere else. I let my mind wander to many bad places that day and that night, while awaiting the call of the results. Honestly- I was scared. Not because I didn't think God was still in control, but because I realize that even when He is in control, that doesn't always mean complete healing. People die every single day. Is it because God wasn't in control? I don't think so. But sometimes His plan doesn't look anything like what we hope it looks like, and as hard as that is to understand, I realize that He knows best. He knows the plan, He can see the big picture, while I can only see a small part. And yes, sometimes people have to die- even His own son, but look at the results of that- I thank Him daily for allowing His son to die FOR ME!
The next morning my oncologist called first thing and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she said "It's nowhere else! It is contained in your spine. This is VERY good news!" And upon hearing that news, I breathed a sigh of relief that lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders.
I know cancer being in my spine doesn't sound like something to be thankful about- it can cause fractures, spine compression, pain, numbness, etc..- but when you look at the other option, suddenly it doesn't sound so bad.
I have also been signed up for a clinical trial with the Sara Cannon Research Institute. I'm really excited about the trial that I will begin in a few weeks. It is not a NEW drug that they don't know anything about that they are trying to get approved, rather it is 2 separate drugs that are already FDA approved, but they are trying to prove that the combination of taking both drugs together can more aggressively treat the cancer cells, with little or no side effects on the patient. They have already had great success with others on the trial, and the doctor and nurses were very optimistic for me as well.
In fact, I have been given the clearance to proceed with getting my left side reconstructed. As you may remember, after my mastectomy I had reconstruction, but my body rejected it and I ended up with a pretty severe infection. My body has been pretty messed up since that surgery, but with chemo, radiation, hysterectomy, stage IV diagnosis- that just hasn't been at the top of the list of things to worry about. And I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would put myself through that again with the chance that the same thing could happen again. Well, I'm not sure you could fully understand unless you have been in my position, but emotionally it's difficult to be 33 and have every physical part of you that makes you a woman either removed or damaged. I'm not being vain- but it's hard to deal with feeling like a 70 year old woman at the age of 33. So it's time. It's time to be able to shop without worrying what things look like, it's time to shop for a bathing suit without trying to find one with a "pocket" for my prosthesis. Maybe that's too much information, but it's real. It's the life of a breast cancer patient.
So this coming Monday, July 1st, I will once again go back into surgery. Not to remove cancer or to remove organs feeding the cancer, but to replace part of what the cancer has already taken. Surgery to help me be whole again. Am I excited? I am BEYOND excited. Nervous? A little, but after everything I've already been through, I'm hoping this will be a breeze. They will be using skin, fat, and muscle from my back for my reconstruction. Really it's very interesting. I will have a tissue expander, which is a foreign object in my body- so prayers that my body doesn't reject it this time is greatly appreciated.
Also, Jamie and I are just a few steps away from starting the construction of our house. Building this house has always been a dream of ours, and this is the right time for us to build it. It's very exciting.
Lots of good things happening for the Spears Family lately. And if this is a dream, please don't pinch me...I'd like to enjoy it a little longer.
After the luck that I've had through this journey of always seeming to get bad news or always going with Plan B, I have to be honest and tell you I did not feel good about those results at all. In fact I had myself convinced that it had spread somewhere else. I let my mind wander to many bad places that day and that night, while awaiting the call of the results. Honestly- I was scared. Not because I didn't think God was still in control, but because I realize that even when He is in control, that doesn't always mean complete healing. People die every single day. Is it because God wasn't in control? I don't think so. But sometimes His plan doesn't look anything like what we hope it looks like, and as hard as that is to understand, I realize that He knows best. He knows the plan, He can see the big picture, while I can only see a small part. And yes, sometimes people have to die- even His own son, but look at the results of that- I thank Him daily for allowing His son to die FOR ME!
The next morning my oncologist called first thing and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she said "It's nowhere else! It is contained in your spine. This is VERY good news!" And upon hearing that news, I breathed a sigh of relief that lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders.
I know cancer being in my spine doesn't sound like something to be thankful about- it can cause fractures, spine compression, pain, numbness, etc..- but when you look at the other option, suddenly it doesn't sound so bad.
I have also been signed up for a clinical trial with the Sara Cannon Research Institute. I'm really excited about the trial that I will begin in a few weeks. It is not a NEW drug that they don't know anything about that they are trying to get approved, rather it is 2 separate drugs that are already FDA approved, but they are trying to prove that the combination of taking both drugs together can more aggressively treat the cancer cells, with little or no side effects on the patient. They have already had great success with others on the trial, and the doctor and nurses were very optimistic for me as well.
In fact, I have been given the clearance to proceed with getting my left side reconstructed. As you may remember, after my mastectomy I had reconstruction, but my body rejected it and I ended up with a pretty severe infection. My body has been pretty messed up since that surgery, but with chemo, radiation, hysterectomy, stage IV diagnosis- that just hasn't been at the top of the list of things to worry about. And I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would put myself through that again with the chance that the same thing could happen again. Well, I'm not sure you could fully understand unless you have been in my position, but emotionally it's difficult to be 33 and have every physical part of you that makes you a woman either removed or damaged. I'm not being vain- but it's hard to deal with feeling like a 70 year old woman at the age of 33. So it's time. It's time to be able to shop without worrying what things look like, it's time to shop for a bathing suit without trying to find one with a "pocket" for my prosthesis. Maybe that's too much information, but it's real. It's the life of a breast cancer patient.
So this coming Monday, July 1st, I will once again go back into surgery. Not to remove cancer or to remove organs feeding the cancer, but to replace part of what the cancer has already taken. Surgery to help me be whole again. Am I excited? I am BEYOND excited. Nervous? A little, but after everything I've already been through, I'm hoping this will be a breeze. They will be using skin, fat, and muscle from my back for my reconstruction. Really it's very interesting. I will have a tissue expander, which is a foreign object in my body- so prayers that my body doesn't reject it this time is greatly appreciated.
Also, Jamie and I are just a few steps away from starting the construction of our house. Building this house has always been a dream of ours, and this is the right time for us to build it. It's very exciting.
Lots of good things happening for the Spears Family lately. And if this is a dream, please don't pinch me...I'd like to enjoy it a little longer.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
The Roller Coaster Continues...
This journey continues...I know it's going to be a long one- but some days I wish I could just forget the word Cancer. It stinks. There is absolutely nothing good about having it- BUT when you have Stage IV, you must find as many positives as you can. You cannot allow yourself to wallow in the negatives or allow your mind to go to bad places all the time. There is life to be lived! It's been difficult to try to find positives when every time I go for results, it seems I always get bad news or find out I have to go with PLAN B.
But today, for the first time since this journey began, there was GOOD NEWS. You see, the doctors did an MRI on my back last week, because I had started having some back pain and one of the three tumor markers they checked was greatly increased. It was in this MRI that is was discovered that the cancer has spread throughout my spine. Several spots. So many spots, in fact, that we knew my current treatment obviously has not been working. But before a new plan could be made, I had to have a CT scan of my body to make sure it had not spread to other organs. So, basically, the quality of my life was going to be determined by this CT scan. As long as the cancer is contained in the bones, it is not life-threatening. However, when (or if) it spreads to organs, then you are on a time clock- trying to buy as much time as you can before the cancer wins the battle. So, yesterday I was quite anxious. I have to be honest. I 'd love to sit here and say that I had no worry or stress or anxiety- but I'd be lying. I am human. Deep down I knew God was still in control, but after getting bad news so many times, I also knew that just because He's in control doesn't mean things will turn out the way I'd hoped. I did not have a good feeling about this test.
However, my oncologist called me first thing this morning to tell me IT HAS NOT SPREAD ANYWHERE ELSE! IT IS CONTAINED WITHIN MY BONES! Folks, I don't know if you understand how wonderful this news is!!! Do I still have cancer? Yes. Do I still have stage IV cancer? Yes. Is it spreading? Yes. But with it contained to my bones, we have time to change my treatment plan to find something that works to either a.) keep it from spreading any farther or b.) completely destroy it. This news is an answer to many, many prayers.
What else has been happening? Well, we were able to have the Andrea's Army Golf Scramble on June 1st. Another wonderful day surrounded by many friends and supporters. They raised a great deal of money to help our family. A lot of work went into this event and I am so appreciative to those who put in countless hours (and those who spent lots of money) on our family's behalf. Here are a few pictures from the event:
Also, Anderson went for his yearly check up with his Neurologist, who was extremely pleased with how well he is doing. His exact words were, "I guess it just doesn't get any better than this!" So if all continues well, we will see him next summer! Another answered prayer!
Our family is getting ready to head to the beach for a week. We can't wait to get there. We are looking forward to relaxing, and just spending some quality time together as a family. We are thankful for the people who put this trip together for us. I don't think anyone will ever know how thankful we are- I really can't put it into words.
On June 29th they are having a 3-on-3 basketball tournament- a shootout for cancer. As you know, Jamie is a huge basketball fan- an a very talented player. It's going to be a great day. If you love basketball, we'd love for you to put together a team and join us- but if you're like me and have no basketball talent, we'd love for you to come join us in the crowd to watch these games. It's on June 29th at the Columbia Academy gymnasium. If you'd like more information, contact my sister Kari Robinson at tyekmom@gmail.com or my sister-in-law Danielle Haygood at 931 446 3181 . You can also check out the event page on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/events/655800017779399/
I look forward to seeing you there! Thank you for your continued prayers and support! Until then...Keep living! Keep Praying! Keep Fighting!
With love,
Andrea
But today, for the first time since this journey began, there was GOOD NEWS. You see, the doctors did an MRI on my back last week, because I had started having some back pain and one of the three tumor markers they checked was greatly increased. It was in this MRI that is was discovered that the cancer has spread throughout my spine. Several spots. So many spots, in fact, that we knew my current treatment obviously has not been working. But before a new plan could be made, I had to have a CT scan of my body to make sure it had not spread to other organs. So, basically, the quality of my life was going to be determined by this CT scan. As long as the cancer is contained in the bones, it is not life-threatening. However, when (or if) it spreads to organs, then you are on a time clock- trying to buy as much time as you can before the cancer wins the battle. So, yesterday I was quite anxious. I have to be honest. I 'd love to sit here and say that I had no worry or stress or anxiety- but I'd be lying. I am human. Deep down I knew God was still in control, but after getting bad news so many times, I also knew that just because He's in control doesn't mean things will turn out the way I'd hoped. I did not have a good feeling about this test.
However, my oncologist called me first thing this morning to tell me IT HAS NOT SPREAD ANYWHERE ELSE! IT IS CONTAINED WITHIN MY BONES! Folks, I don't know if you understand how wonderful this news is!!! Do I still have cancer? Yes. Do I still have stage IV cancer? Yes. Is it spreading? Yes. But with it contained to my bones, we have time to change my treatment plan to find something that works to either a.) keep it from spreading any farther or b.) completely destroy it. This news is an answer to many, many prayers.
What else has been happening? Well, we were able to have the Andrea's Army Golf Scramble on June 1st. Another wonderful day surrounded by many friends and supporters. They raised a great deal of money to help our family. A lot of work went into this event and I am so appreciative to those who put in countless hours (and those who spent lots of money) on our family's behalf. Here are a few pictures from the event:
Some of the wonderful folks who put a lot of time and energy into making this event a huge success!
Coach Butch Jones signed an actual game helmet for Jamie! He is so proud of it!
Thumbs up for a GREAT visit!
Our family is getting ready to head to the beach for a week. We can't wait to get there. We are looking forward to relaxing, and just spending some quality time together as a family. We are thankful for the people who put this trip together for us. I don't think anyone will ever know how thankful we are- I really can't put it into words.
On June 29th they are having a 3-on-3 basketball tournament- a shootout for cancer. As you know, Jamie is a huge basketball fan- an a very talented player. It's going to be a great day. If you love basketball, we'd love for you to put together a team and join us- but if you're like me and have no basketball talent, we'd love for you to come join us in the crowd to watch these games. It's on June 29th at the Columbia Academy gymnasium. If you'd like more information, contact my sister Kari Robinson at tyekmom@gmail.com or my sister-in-law Danielle Haygood at 931 446 3181 . You can also check out the event page on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/events/655800017779399/
With love,
Andrea
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
It's been too long...
Lots of wonderful things have been going on in the Spears family since my last post. School is out for summer break. We are looking forward to a relaxing summer spending some quality time together as a family. And thanks to some dear friends at church, we will be going to the beach in June. I know we will have a wonderful time and make many fabulous memories as a family. What is it about the beach that makes all of your cares and worries feel like they wash away with each wave? I don't know what it is, but the beach is definitely one of my "Happy Places" where stress doesn't exist, problems are in the back of your mind, and the only item on the to-do list is to relax and make memories.
On May 4, a huge group of my closest friends and people dear to my heart held a benefit in my honor. It was a FULL day of fun, friends, support, and raising money to help our family. It started that morning with a 5K run/walk. Then there was a live auction, silent auction, cake walk, food, cotton candy, activities for the kids, and much more. There was also a golf scramble scheduled for that day, but it was postponed due to the weather. We are looking forward to seeing everyone on June 1st for the rescheduled Golf Scramble. There was a huge amount of money raised. I don't even know what to do or what to say to everyone who planned, attended, supported, or donated to this event. I literally have no words. Unless you've been in a similar situation, you have no idea how it feels to not have the financial burden of medical bills hanging over your head- to have an account to help pay bills- to have extra money to help pay for trips back to MD Anderson or to UCLA for clinical trials, or wherever else I have to go or whatever I have to do to help fight this battle- I no longer have to worry that I will be taking away from my family if I spend the money to go do those things. That's the peace of mind this money has given me. Thank you is not enough. But if I'm honest, I don't know what else to say or do. I could never write enough thank you notes- Even if I spent every spare minute I have writing thank you notes to everyone who has done something for our family, whether part of the benefit, or cooking meals, or paying for my house to be cleaned, or sending me money and cards in the mail- It would take me several months to write them. So I hope each of you know how truly thankful Jamie and I are. We pray that my health will improve to the point that we can give back and pay forward the things that have been given to us.
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Speaking of paying it forward. We were on the receiving end of someone else paying it forward recently. Jamie went to get a puppy for me for our 11th anniversary. You see, I've always wanted a bloodhound. So he found some beautiful puppies nearby and wanted to surprise me with one. When he went to get it, he found out the sweet couple had received a gift from someone a week earlier and they had been trying to figure out how to pay it forward. They knew what we were going through and told Jamie they wanted him to have the puppy for free. They hoped that the puppy would bring me much happiness. It definitely has! In fact, it has brought much happiness to our entire family. Can you tell why?
Jamie has had a birthday since my last post, and Kinsley celebrated her 9th birthday with several of her friends. She had a sleepover and we went to see the Croods at the movies. The girls all had a great time, but I realized I'm not as young as I used to be. Whew- 10 girls ages 9 and under...I realized quickly I couldn't keep up with them. Anderson will be turning 3 soon, so we will have a combined family party at our house this weekend. We're looking forward to spending time with our families and celebrating these 2 sweet youngins.
3 friends had already left when we made this photo the next morning.
Anderson got some wonderful news a few weeks ago. Since he will turn 3 in June, he has to transition out of TEIS. Part of the transition is to have a full evaluation screening to see if he qualifies to enter the pubic school system by going into a Special Pre-K class. With TEIS, he qualified for services based upon his diagnoses alone, but that's not the case with the school system. When the testing was complete, he came out in the Average Range in every area tested!! He did not qualify for the pre-K class. While this shouldn't be a huge surprise to me because I am with him everyday and see the things he can do, it still shocked me considering what all he's been through and what we've been told in the past. I can't wait to share this news with the Pediatrician who follows him each year at Vanderbilt. I know they will be amazed as well! Just another example of the power of prayer and God's blessings- even when we least expect them.
I draw so much strength from Anderson and how God has worked in his young life. On the days I start thinking past the present and looking toward the future, there is a feeling in my gut that brings up many questions...many "what ifs"...and I start to feel like I can't breathe. But then I try to think of Anderson. I think of what the doctors said his condition would be and I remind myself that only God knows how long I will live and what my cancer will do over the next few months/years. I cannot live each day in fear of the "what-ifs". I must choose each day to focus on the PRESENT that God has blessed me with- and make sure to not overlook my current blessings for fear of what may or may not happen.
I have had a little anxiety lately. Today at my doctor's appointment they drew blood to re-check my tumor markers that were elevated back in February. This will be the first glimpse that we get as to how my cancer is responding to my current treatment. I guess the reason I've been anxious is because it seems that for the past year and a half, I tend to get bad news each time I go for results from tests. I had to get used to Plan B because Plan A never worked out like I had hoped. So a sense of fear rises up each time I'm getting tests done- fear that when the phone call comes it will again be bad news. I hope and pray for good news, and I try to continue to be positive about everything and know that God is in control, but I have to admit that I'm human and part of being human is trying to constantly put out the fire of fear that Satan can put inside your head. The good news is that I should have the results sometime tomorrow or no later than Friday. Any prayer warriors out there who read this, a prayer for some encouraging news is greatly appreciated.
I hope to spend more time blogging while I'm out of school this summer. But I can't make any promises :).
On May 4, a huge group of my closest friends and people dear to my heart held a benefit in my honor. It was a FULL day of fun, friends, support, and raising money to help our family. It started that morning with a 5K run/walk. Then there was a live auction, silent auction, cake walk, food, cotton candy, activities for the kids, and much more. There was also a golf scramble scheduled for that day, but it was postponed due to the weather. We are looking forward to seeing everyone on June 1st for the rescheduled Golf Scramble. There was a huge amount of money raised. I don't even know what to do or what to say to everyone who planned, attended, supported, or donated to this event. I literally have no words. Unless you've been in a similar situation, you have no idea how it feels to not have the financial burden of medical bills hanging over your head- to have an account to help pay bills- to have extra money to help pay for trips back to MD Anderson or to UCLA for clinical trials, or wherever else I have to go or whatever I have to do to help fight this battle- I no longer have to worry that I will be taking away from my family if I spend the money to go do those things. That's the peace of mind this money has given me. Thank you is not enough. But if I'm honest, I don't know what else to say or do. I could never write enough thank you notes- Even if I spent every spare minute I have writing thank you notes to everyone who has done something for our family, whether part of the benefit, or cooking meals, or paying for my house to be cleaned, or sending me money and cards in the mail- It would take me several months to write them. So I hope each of you know how truly thankful Jamie and I are. We pray that my health will improve to the point that we can give back and pay forward the things that have been given to us.
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The core group of ANDREA'S ARMY who did the benefit.
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Anderson loved the BALL PIT.
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Cake walk time!
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Someone had too much fun and passed out during the live auction.
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Mmmmm....COTTON CANDY!
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Nan Kelley from GAC came to be a part of the benefit!
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The winners of the 5K.
Great Friends!
Anderson got some wonderful news a few weeks ago. Since he will turn 3 in June, he has to transition out of TEIS. Part of the transition is to have a full evaluation screening to see if he qualifies to enter the pubic school system by going into a Special Pre-K class. With TEIS, he qualified for services based upon his diagnoses alone, but that's not the case with the school system. When the testing was complete, he came out in the Average Range in every area tested!! He did not qualify for the pre-K class. While this shouldn't be a huge surprise to me because I am with him everyday and see the things he can do, it still shocked me considering what all he's been through and what we've been told in the past. I can't wait to share this news with the Pediatrician who follows him each year at Vanderbilt. I know they will be amazed as well! Just another example of the power of prayer and God's blessings- even when we least expect them.
I have had a little anxiety lately. Today at my doctor's appointment they drew blood to re-check my tumor markers that were elevated back in February. This will be the first glimpse that we get as to how my cancer is responding to my current treatment. I guess the reason I've been anxious is because it seems that for the past year and a half, I tend to get bad news each time I go for results from tests. I had to get used to Plan B because Plan A never worked out like I had hoped. So a sense of fear rises up each time I'm getting tests done- fear that when the phone call comes it will again be bad news. I hope and pray for good news, and I try to continue to be positive about everything and know that God is in control, but I have to admit that I'm human and part of being human is trying to constantly put out the fire of fear that Satan can put inside your head. The good news is that I should have the results sometime tomorrow or no later than Friday. Any prayer warriors out there who read this, a prayer for some encouraging news is greatly appreciated.
I hope to spend more time blogging while I'm out of school this summer. But I can't make any promises :).
Friday, March 8, 2013
I'm still here! :)
I realize I've kind of disappeared out of the blog world for the last month. I apologize to those of you who have been checking for updates. We've been busy living life and enjoying each moment. I have sat down at the computer a few times with the purpose to post, but sat and stared at a blank screen and a blinking cursor...I just didn't know exactly what to post.
But after several requests for updated information, as well as misinformation circulating, I decided this post is necessary. Plus, I now feel like I've had time to wrap my mind around this diagnosis. At the time of the last post, I was still in shock and still trying to figure everything out. At this point I understand everything much better.
So...where do I start? Well, just like I said I would, I've been busy living life. I've been busy doing my normal daily routine of work, and taking the kids to gymnastics, basketball games, etc. And the weekends are spent with family and friends, with a little rest when I can find time. I feel GREAT! Honestly, I feel better right now physically than I have felt in the past year. I don't feel sick- I've been told I don't look sick- so I'd like to just keep living life like I'm not sick. Do I like the hand of cards I've been dealt? Of course not. But I'm not taking this diagnosis as a death sentence. It's just another hurdle to jump in this thing called life. So please don't feel sorry for me.
Here's what we know about the cancer... I have stage IV metastatic breast cancer. It had spread to my ovaries (which have been removed) as well as a few spots in my bones. Apparently my type of cancer did not respond at all to the chemotherapy. So these cancer cells have been growing (and spreading) for the past year. So there will not be any chemotherapy this time around. As the doctor said, I've already had the "Big Guns" of chemo, and if the cancer didn't respond, there's no reason to try another type of chemotherapy drug. So...what's the plan? Hormone therapy - which is as simple as taking a pill every day, and a dose of medication that will strengthen my bones- which is given once a month by an infusion through my port.
We did get some promising news when I had my tumor markers checked. My CTC (Circulating Tumor Cells) were at a 2. Anything less than a 5 in breast cancer patients is very encouraging and typically means a better prognosis. The different tumor markers will be checked every 3 months. I will have more PET scans, but not very often.
Now to clear the air about a few things...Yes when I got my initial diagnosis the doctor did give me a certain amount of years that I was expected to live (but only because I asked her to). But since then, she has used the word "longevity" and "do well for a long time." So I'm going to throw that number out the window. I refuse to sit back and quit living life because there is a dark cloud hanging above my head. I still have hopes, I still have dreams, and I'm going to keep living. Also, the cancer is not in my bone marrow. It is in a few spots of my bones, but hopefully we can keep it from spreading to the marrow. I am not getting a bone marrow transplant (yet) and hopefully won't need one for a very long time (or even ever).
I have an absolutely amazing support system. My friends and family are absolutely the best there is! I've even had many strangers send cards, money, and words of encouragement. I appreciate everyone and everything so much, and I feel like I don't do a good job showing how much these acts of kindness really mean to me. I'm WAY behind on Thank You notes, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful for everything that's been done- all the way from the money, the dinners, the house cleaning, the prayers...I could go on and on. I'm beyond thankful- just not very good at showing it. Please forgive me.
To those of you who check the blog often, please know that if I don't post, it doesn't necessarily mean that something bad has happened. This is going to be a LONG journey- a battle that will go on and will not go away quickly. I have to keep living- I have to go on without everyday being something about cancer.
My awesome friends are putting together a benefit and some other events to help raise money for medical costs and trips for our family. I am humbled by the outpouring of love and generosity. Here is a link to a blog that has been created for the different events coming up. Feel free to check it out for updates and information on the latest things happening: www.andreasarmy.wordpress.com
That's all for now. Sorry to write a book. Sometimes I get started and just can't stop. Thanks for sticking through to the end. :) LOVE YOU ALL!
But after several requests for updated information, as well as misinformation circulating, I decided this post is necessary. Plus, I now feel like I've had time to wrap my mind around this diagnosis. At the time of the last post, I was still in shock and still trying to figure everything out. At this point I understand everything much better.
So...where do I start? Well, just like I said I would, I've been busy living life. I've been busy doing my normal daily routine of work, and taking the kids to gymnastics, basketball games, etc. And the weekends are spent with family and friends, with a little rest when I can find time. I feel GREAT! Honestly, I feel better right now physically than I have felt in the past year. I don't feel sick- I've been told I don't look sick- so I'd like to just keep living life like I'm not sick. Do I like the hand of cards I've been dealt? Of course not. But I'm not taking this diagnosis as a death sentence. It's just another hurdle to jump in this thing called life. So please don't feel sorry for me.
Here's what we know about the cancer... I have stage IV metastatic breast cancer. It had spread to my ovaries (which have been removed) as well as a few spots in my bones. Apparently my type of cancer did not respond at all to the chemotherapy. So these cancer cells have been growing (and spreading) for the past year. So there will not be any chemotherapy this time around. As the doctor said, I've already had the "Big Guns" of chemo, and if the cancer didn't respond, there's no reason to try another type of chemotherapy drug. So...what's the plan? Hormone therapy - which is as simple as taking a pill every day, and a dose of medication that will strengthen my bones- which is given once a month by an infusion through my port.
We did get some promising news when I had my tumor markers checked. My CTC (Circulating Tumor Cells) were at a 2. Anything less than a 5 in breast cancer patients is very encouraging and typically means a better prognosis. The different tumor markers will be checked every 3 months. I will have more PET scans, but not very often.
Now to clear the air about a few things...Yes when I got my initial diagnosis the doctor did give me a certain amount of years that I was expected to live (but only because I asked her to). But since then, she has used the word "longevity" and "do well for a long time." So I'm going to throw that number out the window. I refuse to sit back and quit living life because there is a dark cloud hanging above my head. I still have hopes, I still have dreams, and I'm going to keep living. Also, the cancer is not in my bone marrow. It is in a few spots of my bones, but hopefully we can keep it from spreading to the marrow. I am not getting a bone marrow transplant (yet) and hopefully won't need one for a very long time (or even ever).
I have an absolutely amazing support system. My friends and family are absolutely the best there is! I've even had many strangers send cards, money, and words of encouragement. I appreciate everyone and everything so much, and I feel like I don't do a good job showing how much these acts of kindness really mean to me. I'm WAY behind on Thank You notes, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful for everything that's been done- all the way from the money, the dinners, the house cleaning, the prayers...I could go on and on. I'm beyond thankful- just not very good at showing it. Please forgive me.
To those of you who check the blog often, please know that if I don't post, it doesn't necessarily mean that something bad has happened. This is going to be a LONG journey- a battle that will go on and will not go away quickly. I have to keep living- I have to go on without everyday being something about cancer.
My awesome friends are putting together a benefit and some other events to help raise money for medical costs and trips for our family. I am humbled by the outpouring of love and generosity. Here is a link to a blog that has been created for the different events coming up. Feel free to check it out for updates and information on the latest things happening: www.andreasarmy.wordpress.com
That's all for now. Sorry to write a book. Sometimes I get started and just can't stop. Thanks for sticking through to the end. :) LOVE YOU ALL!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
What do you do...
when you get the news you hoped you'd never have to hear? What do you do when you find out you're not a survivor, but still a fighter, and the battle just got more intense? What do you do when you're given a time limit on how long you could possibly live?
Well, those are the questions that Jamie and I were faced with today at my doctor's appointment. We went in with smiles and feeling positive about a good visit. When we left, we were in such a state of shock we didn't really know what to say or do.
But it didn't take long for my mind to realize the information that we had just been told. It didn't take long for the tears to start flowing. Jamie and I have had to have some conversations lately that no 32 year old couple should have to have. (But unfortunately we aren't the first and won't be the last.) But our faith is strong and we believe deep down that no matter what happens in this situation, God is still in control. While we don't understand, HE does. Only HE knows the big picture and knows what possible reason our family could be walking through this valley. But no matter how deep the valley gets, he's walking by our side.
So what do we do? We cry, we sob, we mourn, and then we keep living, keep fighting, and keep praying. That's it. Simple as that. We do not stop living life. We just keep moving. We try to keep our lives as normal as possible, and make the most of every minute of every single day.
So don't be shocked if you see me at school (tomorrow) or at church or out at ballgames. I am not going into hiding just because I now have Stage IV cancer. No- quite the opposite. I will be out more, doing more, and enjoying everything I can.
Our family will stand strong through this. One thing I can promise- I will not lay down and quit fighting. I'm too stubborn. I do not give up or give in easily. It's me against cancer and I can promise that no matter who wins, it will not be an easy fight for either side.
I'm absolutely overwhelmed by all of the messages, texts, emails, cards, calls, etc. I haven't been able to respond to any of them tonight. The comfort that I feel from having our family lifted in prayer throughout the day is intense. Thank you for that. I will try to respond as best I can, but please keep in mind that we are still processing all of this.
One thing I ask...please be sensitive to what you say if any of my children are present. We are still protecting them from this awful situation as much as we can. They know more cancer has been found, and that mom may have more doctor's appointments again, but we've pretty much left it at that. I'd rather them not have the stress and worries that come with this diagnosis- not yet. I know there will come a time when they have to be given more information, but now is not the time.
Keep living, keep praying, and keep fighting- That's my plan.
Well, those are the questions that Jamie and I were faced with today at my doctor's appointment. We went in with smiles and feeling positive about a good visit. When we left, we were in such a state of shock we didn't really know what to say or do.
But it didn't take long for my mind to realize the information that we had just been told. It didn't take long for the tears to start flowing. Jamie and I have had to have some conversations lately that no 32 year old couple should have to have. (But unfortunately we aren't the first and won't be the last.) But our faith is strong and we believe deep down that no matter what happens in this situation, God is still in control. While we don't understand, HE does. Only HE knows the big picture and knows what possible reason our family could be walking through this valley. But no matter how deep the valley gets, he's walking by our side.
So what do we do? We cry, we sob, we mourn, and then we keep living, keep fighting, and keep praying. That's it. Simple as that. We do not stop living life. We just keep moving. We try to keep our lives as normal as possible, and make the most of every minute of every single day.
So don't be shocked if you see me at school (tomorrow) or at church or out at ballgames. I am not going into hiding just because I now have Stage IV cancer. No- quite the opposite. I will be out more, doing more, and enjoying everything I can.
Our family will stand strong through this. One thing I can promise- I will not lay down and quit fighting. I'm too stubborn. I do not give up or give in easily. It's me against cancer and I can promise that no matter who wins, it will not be an easy fight for either side.
I'm absolutely overwhelmed by all of the messages, texts, emails, cards, calls, etc. I haven't been able to respond to any of them tonight. The comfort that I feel from having our family lifted in prayer throughout the day is intense. Thank you for that. I will try to respond as best I can, but please keep in mind that we are still processing all of this.
One thing I ask...please be sensitive to what you say if any of my children are present. We are still protecting them from this awful situation as much as we can. They know more cancer has been found, and that mom may have more doctor's appointments again, but we've pretty much left it at that. I'd rather them not have the stress and worries that come with this diagnosis- not yet. I know there will come a time when they have to be given more information, but now is not the time.
Keep living, keep praying, and keep fighting- That's my plan.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Remembering that MIRACLES DO HAPPEN
As I think about the week ahead of us, I continue to be filled with many emotions. Up until today, the majority of those emotions were not the most positive. Honestly- this time around has been so much more difficult emotionally. It's been hard to keep my spirits up, but I am trying. However, there was something about the love, encouragement, hugs, sermon, and class at church this morning that allowed me to take a step back and breathe a little easier. I can't pinpoint exactly what it was or exactly what happened, but I can honestly say that I've been more positive in my thoughts this afternoon and this evening.
In fact, as I sat back and watched Anderson running around the playroom, throwing football with Jamie, dancing to music with his sisters, and talking non-stop, I was reminded of how deep of a valley we were once in right after he was born. If you have followed this blog since Anderson's birth (or even before) you may remember THIS POST which was written 5 days after his birth. I wrote that particular post on a Sunday evening. It had been a horrible day all the way around. I was miserable from not getting the rest and recovery I needed after the C-section, I was sitting in the NICU and still didn't know if my infant son would require surgery or not, my feet were swollen so badly I could hardly wear shoes, and I missed both of my sweet angels who were at home being taken care of by family. It was that post where I shared that the Pediatrician in the NICU had stopped by our room earlier that day and showed us Anderson's first MRI. All of the details can be found in that post, but the main thing we were told that dreary Sunday afternoon was that our precious baby boy would have absolutely no quality of life. He'd never walk, talk, or function as a "typical" child. Basically we were told he would be a vegetable for his lifespan. The doctor was so confident of this, in fact, he told us to go ahead and go to the Social Security Administration and file for disability benefits for this 5 day old baby. Hit rock bottom? Yep. No parent ever wants to hear this about their newborn child. To say we were in a valley is to put it mildly. That particular night that I wrote the post, I didn't know if I had the strength or courage to begin climbing out of that valley. We had no idea what to expect. Where would this journey lead us? How hard would it be? What will he be like in 2 years? We had so many questions going through our minds. But it was at one point that afternoon that I just remember Jamie grabbing me and giving me the biggest hug. We both stood there and sobbed. We sobbed out of frustrations, we sobbed out of fear, and we sobbed out of sadness for this precious child. But once we had our good cry, we looked each other in the eye and read each others minds. We decided at that moment: WE WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS CHILD. WE WILL NOT LABEL HIM. WE WILL ALLOW HIM TO SHOW US WHAT HE CAN OR CANNOT DO. AND NO MATTER WHAT, WE WILL LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND HELP HIM EVERY WAY WE CAN. How could we do that at such a low point? There's only one answer- God. He could see that we weren't strong enough to pick ourselves up after that shocking news, so He picked us up, dusted us off, and reassured us to TRUST in Him. So that's what we did. From that point forward, we left Anderson's future in the hands of God. We loved him, we got him any interventions that were recommended, and we did a lot of praying (along with many others who were praying on his behalf.)
Somehow today, as I thought back on that day. It reminded me of how I've been feeling lately. When Jamie and I got the news that the cancer was found somewhere else in my body, it was a blow that knocked us back down into a valley that we weren't even sure if we had just climbed out of yet. As I looked up at the mountain that needed climbed AGAIN, I felt like I didn't have the strength or courage to do it again. I've had a lot of negative thoughts, I know the reality of this kind of diagnosis, but today I reminded myself that I also know that GOD is a great God and HE IS IN CONTROL! I have to "Let Go and Let God". Now, I know that's a lot easier said than done, but as I look at Anderson and remember what a miracle he is, how can I not put my future and my health in His hands, just like I did with Anderson? Yes I still have questions, and yes there are still things I don't understand. But no matter what, I have to remind myself each day that God knows what is best for me. He knows more that I could ever fathom. He can see the big picture. So I must hand it over to Him, pray for His guidance throughout this journey, and TRUST that He is the Great Physician. Miracles aren't just a thing of the New Testament- They still happen here and now.
In fact, as I sat back and watched Anderson running around the playroom, throwing football with Jamie, dancing to music with his sisters, and talking non-stop, I was reminded of how deep of a valley we were once in right after he was born. If you have followed this blog since Anderson's birth (or even before) you may remember THIS POST which was written 5 days after his birth. I wrote that particular post on a Sunday evening. It had been a horrible day all the way around. I was miserable from not getting the rest and recovery I needed after the C-section, I was sitting in the NICU and still didn't know if my infant son would require surgery or not, my feet were swollen so badly I could hardly wear shoes, and I missed both of my sweet angels who were at home being taken care of by family. It was that post where I shared that the Pediatrician in the NICU had stopped by our room earlier that day and showed us Anderson's first MRI. All of the details can be found in that post, but the main thing we were told that dreary Sunday afternoon was that our precious baby boy would have absolutely no quality of life. He'd never walk, talk, or function as a "typical" child. Basically we were told he would be a vegetable for his lifespan. The doctor was so confident of this, in fact, he told us to go ahead and go to the Social Security Administration and file for disability benefits for this 5 day old baby. Hit rock bottom? Yep. No parent ever wants to hear this about their newborn child. To say we were in a valley is to put it mildly. That particular night that I wrote the post, I didn't know if I had the strength or courage to begin climbing out of that valley. We had no idea what to expect. Where would this journey lead us? How hard would it be? What will he be like in 2 years? We had so many questions going through our minds. But it was at one point that afternoon that I just remember Jamie grabbing me and giving me the biggest hug. We both stood there and sobbed. We sobbed out of frustrations, we sobbed out of fear, and we sobbed out of sadness for this precious child. But once we had our good cry, we looked each other in the eye and read each others minds. We decided at that moment: WE WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS CHILD. WE WILL NOT LABEL HIM. WE WILL ALLOW HIM TO SHOW US WHAT HE CAN OR CANNOT DO. AND NO MATTER WHAT, WE WILL LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND HELP HIM EVERY WAY WE CAN. How could we do that at such a low point? There's only one answer- God. He could see that we weren't strong enough to pick ourselves up after that shocking news, so He picked us up, dusted us off, and reassured us to TRUST in Him. So that's what we did. From that point forward, we left Anderson's future in the hands of God. We loved him, we got him any interventions that were recommended, and we did a lot of praying (along with many others who were praying on his behalf.)
June 1, 2010
February 3, 2013
Somehow today, as I thought back on that day. It reminded me of how I've been feeling lately. When Jamie and I got the news that the cancer was found somewhere else in my body, it was a blow that knocked us back down into a valley that we weren't even sure if we had just climbed out of yet. As I looked up at the mountain that needed climbed AGAIN, I felt like I didn't have the strength or courage to do it again. I've had a lot of negative thoughts, I know the reality of this kind of diagnosis, but today I reminded myself that I also know that GOD is a great God and HE IS IN CONTROL! I have to "Let Go and Let God". Now, I know that's a lot easier said than done, but as I look at Anderson and remember what a miracle he is, how can I not put my future and my health in His hands, just like I did with Anderson? Yes I still have questions, and yes there are still things I don't understand. But no matter what, I have to remind myself each day that God knows what is best for me. He knows more that I could ever fathom. He can see the big picture. So I must hand it over to Him, pray for His guidance throughout this journey, and TRUST that He is the Great Physician. Miracles aren't just a thing of the New Testament- They still happen here and now.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Here we go again
I spoke with my doctor last night. He had just gotten off the phone with pathology regarding my tissue that was being examined. It appears that my breast cancer has metastisized to my ovaries. This is the better of the 2 options (this vs. a new ovarian cancer). I am now waiting for a call from my oncologist to let me know what this means, what our treatment plan will be, and the overall prognosis of this additional diagnosis.
I have so many emotions going through my mind. It stinks to have only felt cancer-free for 3 weeks before beginning this journey again. (Even though I realize now that I never was Cancer-free. This just had not been discovered yet.) But still, ignorance is sometimes bliss, and those 3 weeks were greatly enjoyed thinking I had won the battle.
Even though I still trust God as much as I ever have, I still have so many questions, so many fears, so many 'Why" questions that only HE can answer. I get sad, I get angry, I get frustrated, I feel peace, I have hope - all of these feelings at different times during the day. It's like a roller coaster.
I'm not afraid to fight again. I know how stubborn I am- I know that I will fight with everything I have- but I think this time the realization that no matter how hard you fight you don't always win...hits a little too close to home.
I really hate it for Jamie and the girls especially. They have literally been through a lot of emotional stress watching me fight for the past year- and just when we celebrated, here we go again. I'm pretty sure none of them are ready to endure what's coming again so soon. Please pray for them. I have an army of people ready to pray and stand by my side as I fight, but they also need this army to hold them up when they don't have the strength to stand on their own.
As I know more, I will try to update. Just please continue to pray for our family.
I have so many emotions going through my mind. It stinks to have only felt cancer-free for 3 weeks before beginning this journey again. (Even though I realize now that I never was Cancer-free. This just had not been discovered yet.) But still, ignorance is sometimes bliss, and those 3 weeks were greatly enjoyed thinking I had won the battle.
Even though I still trust God as much as I ever have, I still have so many questions, so many fears, so many 'Why" questions that only HE can answer. I get sad, I get angry, I get frustrated, I feel peace, I have hope - all of these feelings at different times during the day. It's like a roller coaster.
I'm not afraid to fight again. I know how stubborn I am- I know that I will fight with everything I have- but I think this time the realization that no matter how hard you fight you don't always win...hits a little too close to home.
I really hate it for Jamie and the girls especially. They have literally been through a lot of emotional stress watching me fight for the past year- and just when we celebrated, here we go again. I'm pretty sure none of them are ready to endure what's coming again so soon. Please pray for them. I have an army of people ready to pray and stand by my side as I fight, but they also need this army to hold them up when they don't have the strength to stand on their own.
As I know more, I will try to update. Just please continue to pray for our family.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Short Lived Celebration
Well, our hopes of 2013 being better than 2012 have been short lived. Our celebration of "Cancer Free" was also short lived. I had my complete hysterectomy, as well as ovary removal and fallopian tube removal on Wednesday. We got a visit this evening from my doctor, who informed us that the preliminary tests came back and there is more cancer. At this time, we don't know if my breast cancer has mestatasized or if this is a new cancer. We should know more by the beginning of the week. We don't have a lot of information or answers- all we know is the cancer isn't gone. So the battle is not over. Looks like I'll be fighting again sooner than any of us had hoped.
Please, please pray for our family. That is all we need at this point- prayers.
Please, please pray for our family. That is all we need at this point- prayers.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
So..what's the latest?
As many of you know (and some of you don't), my mom and I took a trip during Christmas break to Houston, Texas. We went to MD Anderson Cancer Center for a 2nd opinion- just to make sure nothing had been missed and to get the opinions of their specialists regarding my treatment from this point forward. I had some questions regarding "what now?" that I had been given differing opinions in answers from different physicians. So, I figured if I was going to get another opinion, I might as well go ALL OUT and go to one of THE TOP Cancer Centers in the nation.
We had absolute tremendous support from all of our family and friends. Donations to help pay for the trip, prayers, encouraging words, and even a group of "Andrea's Army" who were at the airport at 4:30 in the morning to wish me well before the flight! Jamie and I continue to be amazed at how much love and support we have received throughout this journey. Now we're brainstorming ways to say "Thank You" and to "Pay Forward" the generosity, love, encouragement, and support we have received.
The trip to Houston was just as wonderful as I had hoped it would be. The doctors and nurses were amazing, and acted like I was the only patient they had that day when they came in the room. They answered all of my questions, helped me fully understand my cancer and the prognosis of it. They also helped put together a plan of what the next few months and years should include, in order to help do everything possible to keep this cancer from returning.
So...as you already know...at this point, I can officially be considered CANCER FREE! I am now a survivor instead of a fighter. Yes, cancer will always be a part of my life- yes I will continue to have follow up exams and screenings, but at this point, the battle is over and I came out VICTORIOUS! Yahoo!
So, what now? Well, there are 4 events that are taking place in the next 6 months. First, I had a CT scan this past week to recheck the "cysts" that were seen on my kidneys back in February 2012 - Just to make sure they are stable and nothing to worry about. Next, I will be having surgery later this month to have a complete hysterectomy (ovaries included). I also am moving my care to a different oncologist. I absolutely MUST have confidence in the person in charge of staying on top of this cancer thing. Finally, I will be having a mastectomy on the other side, as well as reconstruction sometime later this summer. I have to allow my skin to heal from all of the radiation treatments before they do any reconstructive type surgery.
Other than that, I now can focus on getting healthy, exercising, losing weight, paying attention to any symptoms that last longer than usual, and always be aware of any lumps, bumps, or changes. Pretty much- I can now focus on living and enjoying life.
It's a great feeling. It's a freeing feeling. And I'm looking forward to many posts this year that don't even include the word CANCER.
We had absolute tremendous support from all of our family and friends. Donations to help pay for the trip, prayers, encouraging words, and even a group of "Andrea's Army" who were at the airport at 4:30 in the morning to wish me well before the flight! Jamie and I continue to be amazed at how much love and support we have received throughout this journey. Now we're brainstorming ways to say "Thank You" and to "Pay Forward" the generosity, love, encouragement, and support we have received.
The trip to Houston was just as wonderful as I had hoped it would be. The doctors and nurses were amazing, and acted like I was the only patient they had that day when they came in the room. They answered all of my questions, helped me fully understand my cancer and the prognosis of it. They also helped put together a plan of what the next few months and years should include, in order to help do everything possible to keep this cancer from returning.
So...as you already know...at this point, I can officially be considered CANCER FREE! I am now a survivor instead of a fighter. Yes, cancer will always be a part of my life- yes I will continue to have follow up exams and screenings, but at this point, the battle is over and I came out VICTORIOUS! Yahoo!
So, what now? Well, there are 4 events that are taking place in the next 6 months. First, I had a CT scan this past week to recheck the "cysts" that were seen on my kidneys back in February 2012 - Just to make sure they are stable and nothing to worry about. Next, I will be having surgery later this month to have a complete hysterectomy (ovaries included). I also am moving my care to a different oncologist. I absolutely MUST have confidence in the person in charge of staying on top of this cancer thing. Finally, I will be having a mastectomy on the other side, as well as reconstruction sometime later this summer. I have to allow my skin to heal from all of the radiation treatments before they do any reconstructive type surgery.
Other than that, I now can focus on getting healthy, exercising, losing weight, paying attention to any symptoms that last longer than usual, and always be aware of any lumps, bumps, or changes. Pretty much- I can now focus on living and enjoying life.
It's a great feeling. It's a freeing feeling. And I'm looking forward to many posts this year that don't even include the word CANCER.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Goodbye 2012!
Has it really been since November that I've posted? Wow, I guess I've been a total slacker...you know, we've had nothing else to do for the past 2 months. Ha! Yes we've been pretty busy, but to be completely honest, I haven't been inspired to do any blogging/writing. Not sure why, but every time the thought crossed my mind, I couldn't find the motivation to write anything. Other than the occasional facebook update or tweet, no writing since November. It's sad, I know.
But as 2012 comes to an end, a blog post to look back over this year is necessary. It's always good to look at where you've been so that you can be thankful for where you are, and look forward to where you're headed.
If I said that I was sorry for 2012 to end, I'd be completely lying. In fact, it can't end quickly enough. While we were blessed tremendously this year, we also went through a lot of sickness and trials.
It all started in January- We spent 3 out of 4 weekends in a hospital with Anderson. Getting tubes, RSV, and his 4th shunt revision kicked off 2012 with a bang.
February was my diagnosis of breast cancer, and our family began the journey and way of life that comes along with the "ugly C word." Along with tests, I had my mastectomy and reconstruction.
March was the month of infection with removal of all reconstruction.
April was port placement and the beginning of chemotherapy.
May continued chemo. Jamie and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary- how did we celebrate? Surgery for another pocket of infection at my surgery site. Happy Anniversary sweet heart! Ha ha! This is the surgery which led to the open wound that is still healing today. We also celebrated Kinsley's 8th birthday and Jamie's birthday.
In June, Anderson celebrated his 2 year birthday. Chemo continued.
July was more chemo, but I felt well enough to enjoy my summer break with the kids. We spent a lot of time outside playing. Lots of great memories made.
August brought Karlie starting Kindergarten, Kinsley going to third grade, and me continuing my wonderful job as Assistant Principal. Chemo finished in August! I was very happy to finish that part of the journey.
September was a break in between chemo and radiation due to the open wound. While it was nice to have a break, it also gave me a lot of time to think and dwell on what was going on and led to a little post-chemo depression.
October was Fall Break, with a family trip to Cookeville and then Chattanooga. It was a great time with even more memories made and we had an enjoyable time together- just the 5 of us. Later in the month, I began my radiation treatments.
November was a month of being thankful and not taking any moment for granted. Radiation continued. Life was busy, but everyone's health was good. We enjoyed our thanksgiving and looked forward to Christmas.
This month, I finished all of my radiation treatments and celebrated my 33rd birthday. Karlie got the flu right before Christmas, but got well in time to feel great for all of our Christmas gatherings. My mom and I made a trip to Houston to MD Anderson Cancer Center, and there are a lot of stories to post from that trip...but I'll save them for another post. We got home yesterday, just in time for Kinsley and Anderson to get sick. Kinsley now has the flu, and Anderson has a stomach virus. Happy New Years! Welcome home!
So in a nutshell, 2012 had a lot of trying times. It was not one of our best years. But in the midst of all the struggles, we also had some of the most wonderful blessings!
Other than his January events, Anderson had a great year. He stayed healthy, his shunt continued working, and he met several milestones. He continues to develop into the most loving and active little boy. He is amazing!
We have seen first hand how the worst of times can bring out the best in people. The love, the support, the encouragement, the friendships, the strength, the prayers, the celebrations, the surprises, and the money that we have received have been absolutely overwhelming. God has placed the most wonderful people around us- our earthly support system, if you will. Our families, our friends, our co-workers, our church family- they have all been absolutely amazing.
And as 2013 approaches, good things seem to be in our near future. I got great news in Houston! The cancer treatments are complete and I am now CANCER FREE! They also gave me a plan of what to expect/what to do from here. Also, as many of you know, my parents had their house for sale. They have a contract and should close in less than 2 weeks! Then they are buying our house and that means we can start building on our land. This will put me only 10 miles from work- I seriously won't know what to do with all that spare time in the mornings.
So, good bye 2012- we survived you. But WELCOME 2013!
But as 2012 comes to an end, a blog post to look back over this year is necessary. It's always good to look at where you've been so that you can be thankful for where you are, and look forward to where you're headed.
If I said that I was sorry for 2012 to end, I'd be completely lying. In fact, it can't end quickly enough. While we were blessed tremendously this year, we also went through a lot of sickness and trials.
It all started in January- We spent 3 out of 4 weekends in a hospital with Anderson. Getting tubes, RSV, and his 4th shunt revision kicked off 2012 with a bang.
February was my diagnosis of breast cancer, and our family began the journey and way of life that comes along with the "ugly C word." Along with tests, I had my mastectomy and reconstruction.
March was the month of infection with removal of all reconstruction.
April was port placement and the beginning of chemotherapy.
May continued chemo. Jamie and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary- how did we celebrate? Surgery for another pocket of infection at my surgery site. Happy Anniversary sweet heart! Ha ha! This is the surgery which led to the open wound that is still healing today. We also celebrated Kinsley's 8th birthday and Jamie's birthday.
In June, Anderson celebrated his 2 year birthday. Chemo continued.
July was more chemo, but I felt well enough to enjoy my summer break with the kids. We spent a lot of time outside playing. Lots of great memories made.
August brought Karlie starting Kindergarten, Kinsley going to third grade, and me continuing my wonderful job as Assistant Principal. Chemo finished in August! I was very happy to finish that part of the journey.
September was a break in between chemo and radiation due to the open wound. While it was nice to have a break, it also gave me a lot of time to think and dwell on what was going on and led to a little post-chemo depression.
October was Fall Break, with a family trip to Cookeville and then Chattanooga. It was a great time with even more memories made and we had an enjoyable time together- just the 5 of us. Later in the month, I began my radiation treatments.
November was a month of being thankful and not taking any moment for granted. Radiation continued. Life was busy, but everyone's health was good. We enjoyed our thanksgiving and looked forward to Christmas.
This month, I finished all of my radiation treatments and celebrated my 33rd birthday. Karlie got the flu right before Christmas, but got well in time to feel great for all of our Christmas gatherings. My mom and I made a trip to Houston to MD Anderson Cancer Center, and there are a lot of stories to post from that trip...but I'll save them for another post. We got home yesterday, just in time for Kinsley and Anderson to get sick. Kinsley now has the flu, and Anderson has a stomach virus. Happy New Years! Welcome home!
So in a nutshell, 2012 had a lot of trying times. It was not one of our best years. But in the midst of all the struggles, we also had some of the most wonderful blessings!
Other than his January events, Anderson had a great year. He stayed healthy, his shunt continued working, and he met several milestones. He continues to develop into the most loving and active little boy. He is amazing!
We have seen first hand how the worst of times can bring out the best in people. The love, the support, the encouragement, the friendships, the strength, the prayers, the celebrations, the surprises, and the money that we have received have been absolutely overwhelming. God has placed the most wonderful people around us- our earthly support system, if you will. Our families, our friends, our co-workers, our church family- they have all been absolutely amazing.
And as 2013 approaches, good things seem to be in our near future. I got great news in Houston! The cancer treatments are complete and I am now CANCER FREE! They also gave me a plan of what to expect/what to do from here. Also, as many of you know, my parents had their house for sale. They have a contract and should close in less than 2 weeks! Then they are buying our house and that means we can start building on our land. This will put me only 10 miles from work- I seriously won't know what to do with all that spare time in the mornings.
So, good bye 2012- we survived you. But WELCOME 2013!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The Salesman
Tonight Jamie was needing to go to the gym to get in his workout. So, rather than wait until the kids were in bed, I told him to go ahead and go. I was going to give Anderson his bath and put him to bed. We would be fine. (right?)
So as Anderson played in the bath, I sat on the edge and helped Kinsley study for a test while Karlie played the iPad. About 4 questions into studying, Anderson hands me something...nope not a toy...it was round and brown. Yep, you got it. He used the bathroom in the bathtub. Then he was scared of it so he was screaming. The girls were both laughing their heads off, and I was gagging. I got him out of the tub, emptied and cleaned the tub, put the toys to disinfect, and put him back in the finish his bath.
About this time the phone rings. Kinsley runs to answer it and brings it to me. I can tell as soon as I say "Hello" that it's a salesman or someone wanting money. I usually just say "not interested" and hang up. But before I could say anything, I hear her say "This recorded call is to raise money for (insert name here) breast cancer foundation. Did you know, Mrs. Spears that someone dies every 12 minutes from cancer?"
Hmmm...did I know that? Not necessarily that specific statistic, but basically yes. So I quietly answer "Yes."
She continues, "And Mrs. Spears our foundation helps provide mammograms and screenings because early detection is key, don't you agree, Mrs. Spears?"
"Yes."
"Well then I am going to send you a car decal and an envelope with a pledge form in it. Can we count on you this year to make a donation to this foundation, Mrs. Spears?"
I couldn't help it. I don't know what it was inside me that made me say it. I probably should have just said "Sure" and hung up. But I didn't.
"Actually, I am going through treatments for Breast Cancer right now myself."
SILENCE. (or maybe a few crickets).
I continued..."I'm 32 and I was just diagnosed in February with Stage 3."
"Ohhhh...Mrs. Spears I am so sorry. Well I know you will be just fine. Yes you will be cured. Have a good night."
And she hung up.
I can't help but wonder if her method of "quoting statistics of how many people die every 12 minutes in order to get people to donate money" felt a little awkward on her next call.
I know she is simply doing her job. And I'm not upset or angry. But in a weird way, I do find it comical that I made a salesman speechless...
It's not every day that happens, now is it? ; )
So as Anderson played in the bath, I sat on the edge and helped Kinsley study for a test while Karlie played the iPad. About 4 questions into studying, Anderson hands me something...nope not a toy...it was round and brown. Yep, you got it. He used the bathroom in the bathtub. Then he was scared of it so he was screaming. The girls were both laughing their heads off, and I was gagging. I got him out of the tub, emptied and cleaned the tub, put the toys to disinfect, and put him back in the finish his bath.
About this time the phone rings. Kinsley runs to answer it and brings it to me. I can tell as soon as I say "Hello" that it's a salesman or someone wanting money. I usually just say "not interested" and hang up. But before I could say anything, I hear her say "This recorded call is to raise money for (insert name here) breast cancer foundation. Did you know, Mrs. Spears that someone dies every 12 minutes from cancer?"
Hmmm...did I know that? Not necessarily that specific statistic, but basically yes. So I quietly answer "Yes."
She continues, "And Mrs. Spears our foundation helps provide mammograms and screenings because early detection is key, don't you agree, Mrs. Spears?"
"Yes."
"Well then I am going to send you a car decal and an envelope with a pledge form in it. Can we count on you this year to make a donation to this foundation, Mrs. Spears?"
I couldn't help it. I don't know what it was inside me that made me say it. I probably should have just said "Sure" and hung up. But I didn't.
"Actually, I am going through treatments for Breast Cancer right now myself."
SILENCE. (or maybe a few crickets).
I continued..."I'm 32 and I was just diagnosed in February with Stage 3."
"Ohhhh...Mrs. Spears I am so sorry. Well I know you will be just fine. Yes you will be cured. Have a good night."
And she hung up.
I can't help but wonder if her method of "quoting statistics of how many people die every 12 minutes in order to get people to donate money" felt a little awkward on her next call.
I know she is simply doing her job. And I'm not upset or angry. But in a weird way, I do find it comical that I made a salesman speechless...
It's not every day that happens, now is it? ; )
Friday, November 2, 2012
A Locksmith, a Bride, a Cowgirl, and a Cowboy...
Yes- you guessed it...This post is devoted to Halloween 2012. Kinsley was a bride, Karlie was a cowgirl, and Anderson was a cowboy. So...where does the locksmith come in? Jamie? No. Me? No. Hmmmm... How do I explain this?
Let me start by saying that I pulled onto our street Wednesday afternoon so that I could drop the girls off with Jamie before heading to radiation. What I see when I get to the house- Jamie and his dad standing around a vehicle. I'm not surprised, because one of the things Anderson loves to do is sit in a car and pretend he's driving. However, when I notice that Jamie has a wire hanger in his hand I begin to get a little concerned. When I roll down the window, Jamie informs me that Anderson has locked himself inside the vehicle and the keys are in it. But he's laughing and doesn't seem too upset so I just shake my head and tell them I will be home as soon as radiation is over so we can get the kids in their costumes and ready to trick-or-treat.
When I arrive home about 35 minutes later, everyone is in the house. So I don't think much about it until I walk in and Karlie immediately says..."Nothing happened. We didn't do anything wrong" - which is a big red flag that something DID happen. I quickly find out that no one could get the door unlocked and when Anderson pushed the button, it was either the wrong button or wouldn't unlock. So a neighbor called the police- but they wouldn't come because the car wasn't running. Next she called the firestation which is about 1/4 of a mile from our house to see if they would help- "Is the car running?" "No." "Then we can't help." So that last option...call a locksmith. Yes, a locksmith had to come and get my child out of the vehicle. Thankfully, this company doesn't charge when there are children involved.
Good grief. Oh well. They got him out and he wasn't too upset, so maybe he won't need too much therapy when he gets older.
Despite that, this was the BEST Halloween ever! No one cried or complained about their costumes or what they had to wear under it to keep warm. No one fought. No one whined about walking or their feet hurting. We had a great night, got lots of candy, and then the girls sat on our front porch and handed out candy to other trick-or-treaters.
Here are some pictures! I hope you enjoy!
Let me start by saying that I pulled onto our street Wednesday afternoon so that I could drop the girls off with Jamie before heading to radiation. What I see when I get to the house- Jamie and his dad standing around a vehicle. I'm not surprised, because one of the things Anderson loves to do is sit in a car and pretend he's driving. However, when I notice that Jamie has a wire hanger in his hand I begin to get a little concerned. When I roll down the window, Jamie informs me that Anderson has locked himself inside the vehicle and the keys are in it. But he's laughing and doesn't seem too upset so I just shake my head and tell them I will be home as soon as radiation is over so we can get the kids in their costumes and ready to trick-or-treat.
When I arrive home about 35 minutes later, everyone is in the house. So I don't think much about it until I walk in and Karlie immediately says..."Nothing happened. We didn't do anything wrong" - which is a big red flag that something DID happen. I quickly find out that no one could get the door unlocked and when Anderson pushed the button, it was either the wrong button or wouldn't unlock. So a neighbor called the police- but they wouldn't come because the car wasn't running. Next she called the firestation which is about 1/4 of a mile from our house to see if they would help- "Is the car running?" "No." "Then we can't help." So that last option...call a locksmith. Yes, a locksmith had to come and get my child out of the vehicle. Thankfully, this company doesn't charge when there are children involved.
Good grief. Oh well. They got him out and he wasn't too upset, so maybe he won't need too much therapy when he gets older.
Despite that, this was the BEST Halloween ever! No one cried or complained about their costumes or what they had to wear under it to keep warm. No one fought. No one whined about walking or their feet hurting. We had a great night, got lots of candy, and then the girls sat on our front porch and handed out candy to other trick-or-treaters.
Here are some pictures! I hope you enjoy!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Radiation
I FINALLY got to start my radiation treatment this past week. It has been 9 weeks since I finished chemo so I was beyond ready to get started. What took so long? You may remember the surgery I had on May 18 where the incision was left open to heal? Yeah, well that crazy thing has just now healed enough to get started. (HOORAY!) And, my plan seemed to take a little longer to develop than normal because it was difficult due to my heart being in the way of where they needed to radiate. (Kind of scary, huh?) But they worked and worked until they figured out the perfect plan to get all of the areas they needed without doing unnecessary damage to other organs.
I will have 36 treatments total, and I go 5 days a week for treatment, so it totals about 7 weeks. If all goes well I should finish December 14. Other than some reconstructive surgery that will take place next year, I should still be mostly finished with all treatments and be Cancer Free by Christmas! YEA! That has been my goal.
I've completed 2 treatments so far. No side effects yet, thank goodness. Main side effects will be exhaustion and skin irritation similar to a sunburn. Of course everyone is different with their symptoms, and we all know that I tend to go with Plan B, so if I can make it through 36 treatments with just those 2 side effects, I'll be a VERY happy girl!
So how are we doing? I know my post back in September was kind of depressing, but it is the reality of this journey. Some days are good, some not so good. Some days are full of positive thoughts and strength, while others are filled with negative thoughts and worries. The girls were a little upset about me starting more treatments until I explained to them that I wouldn't be sick with these and we should be able to stay on our normal schedule. Once they understood that, they were fine. Anderson of course is too young to understand any of this, but he does think it's quite funny that someone has drawn all over me with a Sharpie. (Yeah, hilarious...) Jamie is doing pretty good, but I know this is all very difficult on him. But I couldn't do this without him. He is so good to help out around the house however he can. I am blessed to have him so close to my side.
Thank you for all of your continued prayers. This journey is not over. We are still fighting. I pray that somehow good will come from this experience and it will not be in vain. I know God has a plan, and he is walking by my side. Some days I just wish I could skip to the last chapter of this book to find out the ending- but then, that would ruin the path to get there, wouldn't it?
I will have 36 treatments total, and I go 5 days a week for treatment, so it totals about 7 weeks. If all goes well I should finish December 14. Other than some reconstructive surgery that will take place next year, I should still be mostly finished with all treatments and be Cancer Free by Christmas! YEA! That has been my goal.
I've completed 2 treatments so far. No side effects yet, thank goodness. Main side effects will be exhaustion and skin irritation similar to a sunburn. Of course everyone is different with their symptoms, and we all know that I tend to go with Plan B, so if I can make it through 36 treatments with just those 2 side effects, I'll be a VERY happy girl!
So how are we doing? I know my post back in September was kind of depressing, but it is the reality of this journey. Some days are good, some not so good. Some days are full of positive thoughts and strength, while others are filled with negative thoughts and worries. The girls were a little upset about me starting more treatments until I explained to them that I wouldn't be sick with these and we should be able to stay on our normal schedule. Once they understood that, they were fine. Anderson of course is too young to understand any of this, but he does think it's quite funny that someone has drawn all over me with a Sharpie. (Yeah, hilarious...) Jamie is doing pretty good, but I know this is all very difficult on him. But I couldn't do this without him. He is so good to help out around the house however he can. I am blessed to have him so close to my side.
Thank you for all of your continued prayers. This journey is not over. We are still fighting. I pray that somehow good will come from this experience and it will not be in vain. I know God has a plan, and he is walking by my side. Some days I just wish I could skip to the last chapter of this book to find out the ending- but then, that would ruin the path to get there, wouldn't it?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Happy Birthday Sweet Karlie Ryan!
Today is Karlie's 6th Birthday! As I looked back tonight over pictures from years past, it brought tears to my eyes to see how quickly she has grown. I love this girl with all my heart, and I am so proud of the person she is. She is beautiful both on the inside and out, and I couldn't be more proud of her! Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The Valley
Once upon a time, I got on a bike and climbed a mountain. Not just any mountain, but a huge mountain- one that many people can't imagine climbing. Once I made it to the top of the mountain, it was time to ride down the other side for a short break, before climbing the next mountain that was in my path. As I began riding down the first mountain, I began going so fast that I couldn't even control the bike any longer. I knew if I put on the brakes I would fly over the handle bars, so I just held on and hoped that I didn't crash. While I was a little nervous about the quick trip down, I also hoped that the speed I had picked up on the way down would help me get at least partially up the next mountain without me even having to pedal. But that's not what happened at all. Instead as I got to the bottom- the valley between the two mountains- my chain fell off and I landed on my butt.
What?
Okay, so I haven't ridden a bike since I was a young child- that was just a comparison to what my journey has been like lately. I've been a little (ok a lot) hesitant to write this post because I am afraid that no matter how I put these feelings into words people will not understand. Only those who have walked in my shoes will be able to fully understand the feelings I am about to describe.
And here is my disclaimer...this post is not for sympathy, it is not a cry for help, but rather to help those of you following this journey know some of the emotions that go along with it, and maybe even to help someone else out there on the same journey as I.
So, chemo is finished, right? Yes. Hooray? Not really. (what?!?) How can I not be just completely ecstatic to be finished with chemo? Well, I am and I'm not. I am very excited that I do not have to go sit for 4 hours every week while the nurses pump my body full of poison, and I am very excited to not have to worry about the side effects of having that poison put in my body, HOWEVER finishing chemo has been the hardest part of this journey so far, emotionally speaking.
I thought I would be so glad to be finished that I would feel like I was on top of a mountain, a mountain that I had just climbed for the past 20 weeks and had finally made it to the top! But when the last day came, I found myself an emotional wreck. I was happy, sad, scared, worried, and just kind of bummed. Really? How is this possible? Am I crazy? What is wrong with me? One of my cancer sisters said it best in a text she sent me that morning..She told me that as long as I was going through chemo, I felt like I was fighting, but NOW WHAT? Now I wouldn't have a doctor checking on me and checking my blood work every week; I wouldn't see the nurses who always asked how I was doing; I wouldn't be actively fighting the cancer by allowing them to put chemotherapy in my body; and I wouldn't have as many people praying for me because many associate being finished with chemo to being finished with cancer and being finished fighting the battle.
And while I was happy to be finished with the chemo itself, missing the things that came along with the chemo is hard. Very hard. It may not make much sense to you, and that's okay. I remember reading about Robin Roberts talking about how she went into a depression when her treatments for breast cancer were finished. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with her? Is she crazy? How can she be depressed when she just kicked cancer's butt and made it through all of her treatments with a smile on her face?" Oh how wrong I was! I now FULLY understand how that happens. And thanks to some wonderful people I've met on this journey who DO understand exactly what I'm going through, I realize this is very common for many people to feel lost or depressed as they finish their treatments because now they are left to simply hope and pray that the cancer will not return, all while the fear and wonder are in the forefront of their minds, but there is nothing else left to do.
You know, Satan knows just when to put thoughts or fears in our minds. He doesn't do it when we're strong; he doesn't do it when we are optimistic and fighting like crazy. No, he finds us in our weakest moments and plants seeds of doubt, fear, and helplessness. For many with cancer, this time is when they have finished their treatments. It's the time when they aren't actively fighting with medication or radiation; it's the time when their bodies are tired from all of the treatments; and it's the time when many begin to stop praying for that person, because they think the "battle" is over.
It's at these moments that I know I have to Fully Rely on God, but it's not easy- especially for someone with a personality like mine where I want to be in control; I am independent; I can do it myself; I can fight this- just tell ME what to do and I'll do it. But when you hit those moments in life where it is completely out of your control and there's nothing YOU can do to fix it- it's scary. Really scary. Just give me a plan and let me follow it. It's black and white, right? No guessing. No gray areas. But what about when the checklist is finished? Now that's where the waters get muddy and FAITH and TRUST come into play.
I know I still have radiation in my near future, but this is where I've been for the past 2 weeks. Knowing I have to continue to trust in God, but afraid because I myself cannot specifically do anything to feel like I'm still fighting. To be honest, it's been quite a struggle. But I keep pressing on everyday. Taking it one day at a time- otherwise I get overwhelmed. And when I'm overwhelmed, the reality of Stage 3 cancer and all of the statistics that go with it get stuck in my mind like glue and it's hard to shake them.
So why am I sharing this? First, I've always promised to be open and honest in sharing this journey. It's not all smiles and roses. Some parts of this journey are hard, and some of them get you down. This is one of those times. Second, if you know someone with cancer (including me) please don't stop praying for them simply because they finished their treatments. In fact it's at that time that those people probably need your prayers the worst, because they will be at their lowest. It might not make sense, but trust me on this one.
My battle is not over. I have conquored a few surgeries, I have defeated chemo, but I am still fighting. I still have 36 radiation treatments looming in the near future (if my open incision will hurry up and heal), and more surgeries. But even more than that, I have the next 5+ years to do whatever I can to get healthy, exercise, and try to make sure this cancer doesn't come back.
And trust me, I will keep fighting- because just when I'm ready to throw in the towel because the reality, the statistics, the studies, the articles, and the doctors have me pinned down- God picks me up, brushes me off, gives me strength and hope, and send me back into the ring to finish the fight, and I don't go alone. Oh no, I'm not alone. For he is standing right by my side, ready to help guide me each step of the fight. And when I turn around, I see Jamie, my parents, my family, my friends, and my co-workers- all standing on the side of the ring, just waiting for me to tag their hand when I need a break. And best of all, right behind that army of people waiting to be tagged, I see my three precious children sitting in the front row- cheering as hard as they can, holding signs that say "Keep fighting Mom!" "We need you!" "We love you!" And when I look into their eyes, I know that I cannot give up, even for a minute. I must do whatever it takes to keep fighting as hard as I can to win this battle. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
What?
Okay, so I haven't ridden a bike since I was a young child- that was just a comparison to what my journey has been like lately. I've been a little (ok a lot) hesitant to write this post because I am afraid that no matter how I put these feelings into words people will not understand. Only those who have walked in my shoes will be able to fully understand the feelings I am about to describe.
And here is my disclaimer...this post is not for sympathy, it is not a cry for help, but rather to help those of you following this journey know some of the emotions that go along with it, and maybe even to help someone else out there on the same journey as I.
So, chemo is finished, right? Yes. Hooray? Not really. (what?!?) How can I not be just completely ecstatic to be finished with chemo? Well, I am and I'm not. I am very excited that I do not have to go sit for 4 hours every week while the nurses pump my body full of poison, and I am very excited to not have to worry about the side effects of having that poison put in my body, HOWEVER finishing chemo has been the hardest part of this journey so far, emotionally speaking.
I thought I would be so glad to be finished that I would feel like I was on top of a mountain, a mountain that I had just climbed for the past 20 weeks and had finally made it to the top! But when the last day came, I found myself an emotional wreck. I was happy, sad, scared, worried, and just kind of bummed. Really? How is this possible? Am I crazy? What is wrong with me? One of my cancer sisters said it best in a text she sent me that morning..She told me that as long as I was going through chemo, I felt like I was fighting, but NOW WHAT? Now I wouldn't have a doctor checking on me and checking my blood work every week; I wouldn't see the nurses who always asked how I was doing; I wouldn't be actively fighting the cancer by allowing them to put chemotherapy in my body; and I wouldn't have as many people praying for me because many associate being finished with chemo to being finished with cancer and being finished fighting the battle.
And while I was happy to be finished with the chemo itself, missing the things that came along with the chemo is hard. Very hard. It may not make much sense to you, and that's okay. I remember reading about Robin Roberts talking about how she went into a depression when her treatments for breast cancer were finished. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with her? Is she crazy? How can she be depressed when she just kicked cancer's butt and made it through all of her treatments with a smile on her face?" Oh how wrong I was! I now FULLY understand how that happens. And thanks to some wonderful people I've met on this journey who DO understand exactly what I'm going through, I realize this is very common for many people to feel lost or depressed as they finish their treatments because now they are left to simply hope and pray that the cancer will not return, all while the fear and wonder are in the forefront of their minds, but there is nothing else left to do.
You know, Satan knows just when to put thoughts or fears in our minds. He doesn't do it when we're strong; he doesn't do it when we are optimistic and fighting like crazy. No, he finds us in our weakest moments and plants seeds of doubt, fear, and helplessness. For many with cancer, this time is when they have finished their treatments. It's the time when they aren't actively fighting with medication or radiation; it's the time when their bodies are tired from all of the treatments; and it's the time when many begin to stop praying for that person, because they think the "battle" is over.
It's at these moments that I know I have to Fully Rely on God, but it's not easy- especially for someone with a personality like mine where I want to be in control; I am independent; I can do it myself; I can fight this- just tell ME what to do and I'll do it. But when you hit those moments in life where it is completely out of your control and there's nothing YOU can do to fix it- it's scary. Really scary. Just give me a plan and let me follow it. It's black and white, right? No guessing. No gray areas. But what about when the checklist is finished? Now that's where the waters get muddy and FAITH and TRUST come into play.
I know I still have radiation in my near future, but this is where I've been for the past 2 weeks. Knowing I have to continue to trust in God, but afraid because I myself cannot specifically do anything to feel like I'm still fighting. To be honest, it's been quite a struggle. But I keep pressing on everyday. Taking it one day at a time- otherwise I get overwhelmed. And when I'm overwhelmed, the reality of Stage 3 cancer and all of the statistics that go with it get stuck in my mind like glue and it's hard to shake them.
So why am I sharing this? First, I've always promised to be open and honest in sharing this journey. It's not all smiles and roses. Some parts of this journey are hard, and some of them get you down. This is one of those times. Second, if you know someone with cancer (including me) please don't stop praying for them simply because they finished their treatments. In fact it's at that time that those people probably need your prayers the worst, because they will be at their lowest. It might not make sense, but trust me on this one.
My battle is not over. I have conquored a few surgeries, I have defeated chemo, but I am still fighting. I still have 36 radiation treatments looming in the near future (if my open incision will hurry up and heal), and more surgeries. But even more than that, I have the next 5+ years to do whatever I can to get healthy, exercise, and try to make sure this cancer doesn't come back.
And trust me, I will keep fighting- because just when I'm ready to throw in the towel because the reality, the statistics, the studies, the articles, and the doctors have me pinned down- God picks me up, brushes me off, gives me strength and hope, and send me back into the ring to finish the fight, and I don't go alone. Oh no, I'm not alone. For he is standing right by my side, ready to help guide me each step of the fight. And when I turn around, I see Jamie, my parents, my family, my friends, and my co-workers- all standing on the side of the ring, just waiting for me to tag their hand when I need a break. And best of all, right behind that army of people waiting to be tagged, I see my three precious children sitting in the front row- cheering as hard as they can, holding signs that say "Keep fighting Mom!" "We need you!" "We love you!" And when I look into their eyes, I know that I cannot give up, even for a minute. I must do whatever it takes to keep fighting as hard as I can to win this battle. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Some pictures from Friday
At this moment, I can say that I am finished with CHEMO! Hooray! And I pray that I never have to go through that again, but with the ugly C- that's never a guaranteed thing, so I will be thankful for each day that chemo isn't a part of.
I am working on a more detailed post about my last chemo treatment and all of the different emotions that went along with it, but it's not ready to post yet. So for now, I just wanted to share a few pictures with you:
While I was waiting to be called back for my treatment, I saw one of the office workers coming down the hallway with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I was shocked when she kept walking right toward me and said they had been delivered for me. I tore open the card and then cried like a baby. My wonderful husband had sent these to me, along with a card telling me how proud he was of me. I am so lucky to have him by my side. I don't know what I'd do without his support.
I am working on a more detailed post about my last chemo treatment and all of the different emotions that went along with it, but it's not ready to post yet. So for now, I just wanted to share a few pictures with you:
Here are some of the IV Therapy nurses who were working Friday. They are some of the most kind and compassionate nurses I've met. They took excellent care of me, along with every other patient in the facility. They have a hard job, but they have been called for a purpose. They made me feel like a person- not just another chart, not just another person needing chemo- a person, a patient, a mother, a wife, and a friend. They are angels on earth, with a job that you couldn't pay me enough to do. Thank you ladies for not only helping me through, but supporting me and caring about me throughout the journey.
So...here it is. The last sign. I did it. I managed to complete all 16 rounds of chemo. And I'm still here.
Thank you, Jesus for picking me up and carrying me on those days I knew I couldn't go another step. Thank you for lifting the burden of this ugly C off my shoulders so that I could concentrate on just taking care of my body, my spirit, and my family- without the worry or fear of what the future holds. Help me to always trust in you and just take it one day at a time.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Almost Complete
Tomorrow is the big day. It's the day I've been looking forward to (and counting down to) since April 5- the day Jamie and I walked into the oncology office with no clue of what to expect, only knowing that they were about to put poison into my body- and wondering what my body would do in response.
On that day, we were focused on the number 4. Four of those "Red Devil" Treatments, that I had heard (and read) so much about. While I didn't know exactly what to expect, I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. And it wasn't. The sickness, the fatigue, the overall yucky and sick feeling, no appetite, and not being able to get out of my recliner for about 3 days- That pretty much sums up those first 4 treatments.
We celebrated when those 4 were finished. I felt such an accomplishment. I wanted to stop after 3, but I made it through all 4. Not by myself, nor of my own will power...nope. Many people played a role in helping me make it through those first 8 weeks.
Then it was time for the Taxol. Every week, at least 2 1/2 hours of total medicines, aching, joint pain, possibility of severe allergic reactions, all for 12 weeks. Every week for 12 weeks? I can't do that. There's no recovery time. How will I ever enjoy my summer at home with my kids if I don't feel well every week? But once again...with the prayers and encouragement of so many people along with God by my side holding my hand, I can ALMOST say "I did it!"
Tomorrow I will have what I hope to be my last round of chemotherapy! I am beyond excited. And you know what? I'm really thankful, too. When I learned I had cancer and knew I had to have chemo, I really questioned whether or not I had what it took to make it through it. I heard stories of people who couldn't handle it and quit without having completed all of their treatments. I wondered if that would be me. I wondered how bad it would be. I wondered how I would ever make it through 20 total weeks of treatment. And now, the end is here. Tomorrow is the end of the 20 weeks- and I DID IT! Maybe I should rephrase that...I didn't do it...WE DID IT. Yes, WE.
You know who you are. Each and every one of you who read this blog, or my facebook posts, those of you who have prayed for our family, encouraged us, supported us, fed us, babysat or provided transportation for my children, visited with us, called, sent cards, sent gifts, given hugs, helped with homework, listened, provided medical care, administered medication, answered questions...you get the hint. All of you played a huge role in helping me get through these past 20 weeks. So I would just like to say THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I got a card in the mail today, and when I read it, I realized just how true and accurate it was, and how the timing of that card was PERFECT. It read:
"In hard times she had learned three things:
She was STRONGER than she ever imagined,
Jesus was CLOSER than she ever realized,
and She was LOVED more than she ever knew."
Thank you for the love you have shown to my family and me. I am truly a blessed person.
Mission Chemo: Almost complete!
On that day, we were focused on the number 4. Four of those "Red Devil" Treatments, that I had heard (and read) so much about. While I didn't know exactly what to expect, I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. And it wasn't. The sickness, the fatigue, the overall yucky and sick feeling, no appetite, and not being able to get out of my recliner for about 3 days- That pretty much sums up those first 4 treatments.
We celebrated when those 4 were finished. I felt such an accomplishment. I wanted to stop after 3, but I made it through all 4. Not by myself, nor of my own will power...nope. Many people played a role in helping me make it through those first 8 weeks.
Then it was time for the Taxol. Every week, at least 2 1/2 hours of total medicines, aching, joint pain, possibility of severe allergic reactions, all for 12 weeks. Every week for 12 weeks? I can't do that. There's no recovery time. How will I ever enjoy my summer at home with my kids if I don't feel well every week? But once again...with the prayers and encouragement of so many people along with God by my side holding my hand, I can ALMOST say "I did it!"
Tomorrow I will have what I hope to be my last round of chemotherapy! I am beyond excited. And you know what? I'm really thankful, too. When I learned I had cancer and knew I had to have chemo, I really questioned whether or not I had what it took to make it through it. I heard stories of people who couldn't handle it and quit without having completed all of their treatments. I wondered if that would be me. I wondered how bad it would be. I wondered how I would ever make it through 20 total weeks of treatment. And now, the end is here. Tomorrow is the end of the 20 weeks- and I DID IT! Maybe I should rephrase that...I didn't do it...WE DID IT. Yes, WE.
You know who you are. Each and every one of you who read this blog, or my facebook posts, those of you who have prayed for our family, encouraged us, supported us, fed us, babysat or provided transportation for my children, visited with us, called, sent cards, sent gifts, given hugs, helped with homework, listened, provided medical care, administered medication, answered questions...you get the hint. All of you played a huge role in helping me get through these past 20 weeks. So I would just like to say THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I got a card in the mail today, and when I read it, I realized just how true and accurate it was, and how the timing of that card was PERFECT. It read:
"In hard times she had learned three things:
She was STRONGER than she ever imagined,
Jesus was CLOSER than she ever realized,
and She was LOVED more than she ever knew."
Thank you for the love you have shown to my family and me. I am truly a blessed person.
Mission Chemo: Almost complete!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Back to School
Yesterday was the first day back to school for everyone. The summer flew by, but we enjoyed every minute of it. I can honestly say that I am ready to get back into a routine each day. I love my job, and I am so thankful for a wonderful school system for my children.
Kinsley is in third grade this year, which means she moves from the elementary school to the intermediate school. Yep, she gets to be in the same building that I am in! She's a little nervous, but after meeting her teacher yesterday, she's also pretty excited!
Karlie starts Kindergarten this year. She is VERY excited! She got the same teacher that Kinsley had for Kindergarten, plus some of her very good friends from church and dayschool are in her class. She is growing up so fast! I know she will love school. She reminds me a lot of me when I was younger. I don't think she's nervous at all.
Kinsley is in third grade this year, which means she moves from the elementary school to the intermediate school. Yep, she gets to be in the same building that I am in! She's a little nervous, but after meeting her teacher yesterday, she's also pretty excited!
Karlie starts Kindergarten this year. She is VERY excited! She got the same teacher that Kinsley had for Kindergarten, plus some of her very good friends from church and dayschool are in her class. She is growing up so fast! I know she will love school. She reminds me a lot of me when I was younger. I don't think she's nervous at all.
Anderson actually started preschool yesterday, too. We decided it would be a good idea for him to go to preschool 2 days a week so that he could be around kids his own age. Social skills and developmental milestones are huge for him this year. His doctors and early intervention support also agreed this would be a great move for him. He will still be with Ms. Carla the other 3 days so it's a win/win situation for everyone. I was really nervous about how he would do at school yesterday, but he had a GREAT day. In fact, he didn't cry at all- until Jamie picked him up and told him it was time to go home....
So all three kids started school yesterday. It was a great first day. I am excited about this school year. I know it will be a great year for all of them.
I also started back to work(school) 2 weeks ago. I am so blessed to be a part of a wonderful school system. I love my job and I am looking forward to a wonderful school year with a great group of teachers/staff. I am thankful to feel well enough to continue to work full time. I have 3 chemotherapy treatments left and then I will begin radiation. Taking things one day at a time. Each day is a gift.
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