At a loss for words...

This is Jamie. What an amazing journey this has been, and it has only just begun!

I want to express my sincere appreciation for the prayers, calls, comments, and text messages we have received. I am humbled and to be honest at a loss for words. I do not feel adequate nor deserving to be blessed with a beautiful healthy family. God is truly in control and knows our every need!

From the time Anderson was born, I have read all the comments on this blog as well as the comments on Andrea's Facebook. There has not been a day go by that I wasn't moved to tears. Tears of joy, sadness, and love.

I am amazed at the support we have received since we were first told about the condition. You guys have stood beside us through this journey and it is my hope you will continue. Your beautiful comments, encouraging words, and most of all your prayers to our GREAT GOD has been so powerful!

We could not have asked for today to have gone any better. I am anxious to get home and spend time with our beautiful girls. Can't wait to see what God has in store for Anderson. All praise and glory be to our God!- Jamie

Of couse I have to add my two cents worth...

Just as Jamie said, we are completely humbled by the love, support, and prayers that we are receiving from so many people. The past week has been full of ups and downs, but just being able to log on and read the comments on the blog and facebook always lifted our spirits. We knew that with that many prayers going up on Anderson't behalf, things were going to be okay.

I am so glad that I have been able to share this experience...when we first found out that something wasn't right on the 20 week ultrasound, I really debated on whether or not to share it with everyone. No one ever wants to hear that something is wrong with their baby- so the first reaction is to try to keep it quiet so that no one will know. But something told me that I needed to share it so that the few friends and family that we had who read the blog could pray for the baby. As I sit here tonight, I know that was the best decision ever. We absolutely could not have made it through this pregnancy or through the events of the past week without each one of you by our side throughout the journey. And this journey is not over. In fact, it is just beginning.

One thing that I want to ask from each of you. Jamie and I are determined that we are not going to "label" Anderson with any type of disability or say that he "can't" or "won't" be able to do certain things. We are going to allow him to prove to both us and the doctors just exactly what he CAN do. We don't want him treated differently than any other baby. We don't want special attention. What we do ask is for your continued prayers, continued support as we know we will face challenges, and continued understanding. We are going to take one day at a time. That's all we can do. We refuse to sit and worry about the future. What we will do is get all of the help and support that we can for Anderson and work with him to make sure we give him every opportunity to have a wonderful life.

So far tonight, Anderson is doing great. He has been able to drink 2 bottles since surgery and is scheduled for his 3rd at 11pm. They weren't sure if he would be able to drink at all, so this progress is wonderful! Right now he is resting peacefully, but they are having to keep him on medicine because they said he will have some pretty bad headaches for awhile from the release of the pressure on the brain. So tonight we pray for a restful, painless night for him. We pray that tomorrow will bring more progress and that we will hear the words "going home" in the near future. Thanks again...we will never be able to thank each of you enough. God is great and he has proven his healing power once again today.- Andrea

Surgery is Finished!

Dr. Tulipan just came out and told us that the surgery is finished and that everything went just as planned- no problems. They are waking him up and as soon as he gets to recovery they will come get us. Thank you for your prayers. We are relieved that the procedure is complete---now on to recovery.

Update

Anderson has been taken back to surgery. The anesthesia team took him back around 10:20. Once he is sedated and has his breathing tube in, the procedure should take about 30 minutes. We will keep you posted. Please continue praying.

Feelings

As I type this, Anderson is sleeping peacefully. We are being as quiet as possible so we don't wake him because he is HUNGRY and can't have anything to eat. His surgery was originally scheduled for 9:30 but we have already been bumped to 11:30. I know it's a good thing that he is not considered an "emergency" case, but I hope someone takes into consideration that he is only a week old and doesn't understand why he can't have a bottle. (maybe that is just the mommy in me!)

Jamie and I were able to get a sleep room at the hospital last night which consists of a twin bed and a reclining chair. At least it had a shower in the room, which meant more to me than a comfortable bed because right now sleeping is not something I do much of- too hard to get comfy after the c-section and too much on my mind. A good hot shower is absolutely necessary, though.

So the big question is "How are we feeling?" This morning I have lots of different emotions going on (and the post-pregnancy hormones aren't helping much.)

My first emotion is sadness- It breaks my heart to see this little fella get poked, prodded, have IVs started, blow veins, do more IVs, wear a mask so that he can be under the billiruben lights, and know that he will be intubated for his surgery. One 1 week old today and it has been a rough start for him.

I also have a little bit of worry- I know that I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it. As a mother it is hard to know that your precious newborn will soon be put to sleep, intubated, and have a tube put through his skull to drain fluid from around his brain. The tube goes from his head down into his abdomen where the fluid will then be naturally absorbed by his body. Even though I know God is in control, I can't help but worry about him during the procedure.

I also can feel God's presence this morning. I know that he is with us and he is in control of the situation. It is completely overwhelming to know how many people are sending up prayers on his behalf. We have even had complete strangers sending us messages letting us know that they are praying for him. Jamie and I keep reminding ourselves daily that God has a plan. He sent Anderson into this world for a purpose...we don't know exactly what God has in store for him or our family, but we trust him.

Finally, I do have a sense of uncertainty. Even after the surgery we will not have any answers to how Anderson will respond to the surgery, whether it helped, or what his prognosis for the future will be. Basically, no one (except one person) knows what type of life Anderson will be able to lead. He may have some serious delays, or he may be completely fine. None of the doctors know exactly what the future holds in store for him- and we won't until he shows us what he is able to do.

Anderson is starting to wake up and try to eat his hands, so I am off for now to try to keep him as peaceful as possible. I will have someone in our family update the blog as information becomes available. Thank you for the prayers...please keep them going up all day today.

Update

Jamie and I have just finished speaking with Dr. Tulipan's nurse practitioner. The neuro team has decided that it is best for Anderson to get a shunt placed in the morning. We have stepped out of his room right now, as they draw his pre-op bloodwork as well as get an IV started. We have still not been moved to Children's hospital, but should be doing that in the next hour or so from the latest we were told.

We are okay- scared for our 6 day old baby to undergo surgery, but we also know that he is being cared for by the top-notch neurosurgeons and we know how many people out there are lifting him up in prayer. God will take care of him during his surgery. We know this is what is best. We still don't have any idea of his prognosis for the future, and we probably won't. But, the surgeons do feel that he will tolerate the procedure well and if he does good feeding then he could go home the next day...we will see.

So that is the latest. Please pray for the team of surgeons and pray that Anderson will tolerate the procedure well and that this will help him.

The Ups and Downs

Tonight as I sit here and write, I have feet swollen so bad they look like one of an elephant's. Physically I have had a good day, but it has caught up to me and now I am hurting and my incision feels like it is about to rip apart. Emotionally I am a wreck. It has been a long day. Jamie and I have faced some challenges today that we never really planned on facing.

The Pediatrician over the NICU step down unit came in this morning and wanted to at least show us the films from Anderson's MRI that he finally had Friday night. There still isn't a report, because we are still waiting for Dr. Tulipan to do that tomorrow. However, seeing the pictures of your baby's head and seeing nothing but fluid where there is supposed to be gray matter (brain tissue) is pretty disturbing. Hearing a doctor say that he isn't sure if the right side of your baby's brain has developed at all is even more disturbing. Then having the doctor look at you and tell you that you should go ahead and file for disability for your newborn baby just puts the icing on the cake.

For those of you who have been following the blog, you are probably thinking one of two things: either 1.) Andrea and Jamie have not been being honest about the details of the baby's brain condition. or 2.) What? I thought it wasn't that bad. I thought we were looking at a case of fluid that may/may not need to be shunted.

I can assure you that one thing Jamie and I have tried to do whenever we blog is to be real, honest, and open. We feel that if we are asking for prayers and support, then those of you who care enough to pray deserve updates and details of what is happening.

So, that leaves question number 2, which is exactly what we were thinking as we listened to the doctor and looked at the pictures. Why are we being told different things by each different nurse/doctor/nurse practitioner that comes to talk to us? Why is no one on the same page? Does anyone REALLY know what is going on or is everyone just giving us their opinions? All of these questions have been running through my mind all day.

Basically the doctor today said that there is a cyst in his brain- a cyst that is full of fluid- lots of fluid. He feels that the cyst grew in place of the majority of the right side of his brain. So basically he thinks that about 1/4 of Anderson's right hemisphere is developed and the other 3/4 is a fluid-filled cyst. Sounds encouraging, huh? So Jamie and I had a moment of shock- I felt like I had been hit by a ton truck. It had never been presented to us in quite this fashion.

Kinsley and Karlie were both able to come to the room and get to see and hold their brother for the first time. It was so good for them to get to finally spend some time with him after waiting so long. However it was very emotional for me when they had to leave. I feel so guilty right now because I am not being able to spend time with them- they are being cared for by others, and I know they are being taken care of and are fine- but I also know they are ready to have their mommy and daddy back home and get back to some type of regularness.

So as I type this tonight, I am emotional and overwhelmed. I just want to be at home with all three of my wonderful children and be able to be a mommy for all of them. I am anxious to find out tomorrow what the neurosurgeon says about the MRI and what his recommendation is. I know that first thing in the morning we are being taken from our current room where we have been getting to spend all day and night with Anderson, over to the Children's Hospital where we will not get to share a room with him. Tomorrow is a big day...there is a possibility that surgery could even be scheduled as early as sometime tomorrow.

Jamie and I have not given up hope, even though that is what Satan is trying to get us to do. We are realistic and know that the MRI does show things to be concerned about. Jamie kept reminding me today when I would have a meltdown that God is still in control- He has a plan for Anderson. We don't know that outcome or the plan, but there is one person who does. So far on our journey we have had good days and bad days, ups and downs. Today was a down day, and tonight I feel like the little engine who could. I feel like I am at the bottom of the big hill and while I feel like saying "I think I can..." as I look toward tomorrow, Jamie has reminded me that together, along with God leading us, we have to say, "We know we can..."

We will get through this. And no matter the outcome, it will not change our love for Anderson. We think he is pretty special. We are not willing to give up on him, label him with a disability, or say that he is not going to be able to do certain things... No one knows what he is going to be capable of doing- until he reaches those points and either does/ or doesn't do them. Until that point, we refuse to give up hope. We refuse to think a miracle is impossible.

Are we concerned about his future? Sure we are. I'm not going to try to put on an act like things are hunky dorey all day long and we don't get anxious or allow ourselves to worry. We do. But we don't allow those worries/fears to overtake us. We don't allow Satan to win that battle. We have too many prayers going up on Anderson't behalf, and we know just how big our God is.

Lord, we believe. Forgive us for our unbelief.

Thank you for your prayers. Many people are asking what they can do for us- PRAY, PRAY, PRAY...that's it. There is nothing more that anyone can give us right now than this. Prayers for Anderson's well-being, prayers for strength for Jamie and I as we face the coming days, prayers for Kinsley and Karlie who don't understand why their mommy, daddy, and baby brother can't come home and who have lost all sense of routine and security.

We will try to get the word out tomorrow as soon as we know what is happening. If we can't get to a computer we will try to have someone post for us. Sorry for the long post- but I had a lot on my mind and in my heart that I wanted to share tonight. Thanks for sticking with me to the end.

A Good Day

Today has been a great day. I just wanted to share a few updates with all of you.

The step-down NICU where Anderson was moved is wonderful. The nurses and doctors here are wonderful and keep us informed of everything going on. Jamie and I are in the room with Anderson all the time- the nurses said they want us to act like we are at home as much as possible. We are doing all of his feedings, diaper changes, rocking, etc. He is all ours, but is being monitored by the nurses and they check in on us often to make sure everything is going well and we don't need anything. So, since Jamie got to spend time with him last night, I have spent most of the day today rocking and loving on him. Jamie teases me about spoiling him, but right now I don't care- he will survive being spoiled. Emotionally and mentally this is good medicine for me and I am sure it is probably the same for him.

He is a little jaundiced, so he is laying on a billi-blanket. We have been told that it's okay to lay the blanket on our chest and hold him (so I've done a lot of that).

He did have his MRI last night and praise God he did not have to be sedated. Jamie fed him a bottle before they took him and he slept through the entire thing. I don't know how he slept through a procedure that noisy, except that God knew how badly we didn't want him to have to be sedated since he also had breathing issues.

At first we were told that when we got the MRI results today, that if all looked good and no surgery was required, then Anderson could possibly be released tonight or tomorrow. However, since then we found out that the Neurologist on call today wanted to wait until Monday for Dr. Tulipan to review th films and give the results. So Monday he is going to read the results and discuss with his team of neurosurgeons what they think needs to be done- surgery or no surgery. Until then we will just get to relax and enjoy being here. :) The doctor actually said that Anderson is doing so well that he medically doesn't have a reason to stay in the hospital and we could go home, but he would hate to send us home and then make us come back for surgery is that is what they decide to do.

So that is where things stand tonight. Jamie has gone home to spend time with the girls. They are doing great. They can't wait to get their brother (and mom and dad) home for good, but they have really dealt with the separation and being bounced around really good. We are so thankful for our families who have all stepped in to help out. We have also had a lot of friends volunteer to help watch them. We have lots of people willing to help if needed and that makes this much easier. It's great to not have to worry about where they will be or who will watch them.

We will be sure to update if anything new arises between now and Monday. We will also try to update on Monday as soon as we know something, but we realize that doctors don't seem to work on the same time schedule as we would like so we have no idea when on Monday we will find out something.

Until then...I'm going to sit and rock this sweet baby and spoil him rotten!
Andrea

Still waiting....

Anderson has been moved from one NICU to another NICU, which is regarded as a step down unit. He is able to be in the room with us and we are able to feed and hold him anytime. The feeding tube was removed today and he continues to be able to take the bottle with no problem. He may be a little jaundice. More blood work is being performed as I type to determine the status. He left the room around 8:15 to be taken for his MRI. Hopefully he will cooperate and not have to be sedated. I ask for your prayers as we anxiously await the results. This should determine if a shunt is needed.

Andrea was released from the hospital today around 2:00. She is still in some major pain but for the most part doing good. Her persistence and patience throughout this pregnancy has been remarkable. She is truly a warrior and my best friend! After her release, we sat in the waiting room for nearly 5 hours waiting for the next step with Anderson. She was emotionally, physically, and mentally exausted. She has went home to try and get some much needed sleep. Pray that she is able to rest peacfully.

I am staying the night with Anderson for a little Daddy/Son bonding time. I am looking forward to holding him and spending some time with him. As the MRI results become available, I will try and post and keep everyone informed. Thanks to everyone for all the prayers on his behalf. I am confident he will be able to tell his story one day!

Prayers are being answered...

I have just returned to my room from the NICU, where prayers are being answered. Anderson has been completely removed from all of the oxygen for the last hour and a half and has done wonderfully. As long as he continues to do well, he will get to stay off of the machine! Thank you God for answering all of those prayers!

He did not have his MRI today, and we have been told that is because they are waiting for me to get discharged tomorrow so that I can go with him to the MRI. They may need to sedate him, but felt it would be best if I could go with him. So please continue to pray that the MRI will go well tomorrow.

We have also been told that after the MRI, Anderson will be moved to the Children's Hospital to a REGULAR room so that mom (and Dad) can be with him all the time.

His nurse tonight said that as of right now they are not planning on doing a shunt- they have checked the fluid and there is no infection, so he doesn't need antibiotics. Right now they feel that the fluid will naturally be absorbed by his body. But the MRI should give answers to many questions.

Again, this information came from Anderson's nurse tonight. We don't know for certain that everything will happen as planned, but what I do know is that tomorrow will be a BIG day. Anderson has already made so much progress and I know it is because of all of the prayers going up on his behalf. God does answer prayers- I've said that and believed that all along. The hard part is making myself realize that God doesn't work on my time scale.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers for Anderson. Please keep praying for big things to happen tomorrow. I will keep you posted as things happen.

I am headed back to the NICU at 11 to feed him again. I am already praying that things continue to progress in this direction. I can't wait to get him home so that all of you who have been praying for him can get to see him, hold him, and love on him!

All the pain goes away when........

you get to hold your baby for the first time! Andrea finally got to hold Anderson and feed him his first bottle. He did really well considering he has a tube down his throat.

We have received results from a few tests. The scan of his kidneys and the EKG results came back normal. His dependency on oxygen continues to decrease. Praise God for both of these!

Andrea had a rought start to the day, but has since rebounded and done excellent. Although the pain and soreness is present, she has been able to walk several times today including once on her own.

That is all for now folks. Thanks for all the prayers,calls, texts, emails, and gifts. We truly are blessed! I will leave you with a few more pictures.

A Few Pics

The newest love of my life.

The proud big sisters.

No updates yet today... but Jamie and I are anxiously awaiting 9am so we can go see our sweet baby and find out what kind of night he had last night. Praying that we will be able to hold him very soon. My pain is much worse today, but I think getting to be with Anderson will make it all better.

Latest details

Wow! What a day! Jamie and I woke up at 3:45 this morning, left the house at 4:15, and were at Vanderbilt at 5:20 ready to go. I was taken into surgery right on time at 8:00.

Anderson Knox entered the world at 8:38am. They held him up over the curtain for me to see, and then took him to the other side of the room where a team of pediatricians were waiting to check him out. It took him several minutes to start crying, but he did finally begin to cry. Shortly after, we were told that he was struggling to breathe so they were going to take him to the NICU to give him some oxygen. Before they took him, they put him up to my face so I could see him and give him a kiss -and off he went.

Jamie and our family members all got to go see him throughout the day, but no one has gotten to hold him. I finally was able to get out of bed and get wheeled down to the NICU so I could actually see him around 4:30. I know I am a little biased, but he is absolutely wonderful. His complexion is perfect, he looks just like Karlie when she was born, and he has dark hair under his little cap. He is beautiful!

His breathing seems to be getting better. He isn't struggling so hard to breathe. He is on a C-PAP (?) to help his breathing, and he has a feeding tube down his throat, although he is not being fed any formula yet because they are afraid he will aspirate it due to his breathing difficulties. He has 2 IV's- one in each hand, and an oxygen monitor on his foot. They have drawn blood from his foot several times also. It is absolutely heart wrenching for me to see him lying in that little bed, so uncomfortable, and there is nothing I can do to help him. I can't even pick him up and hold him. Although it did melt my heart when he started crying and when I began to talk to him, he immediately quit crying and turned his head my direction. He definitely knew his momma's voice.

He is not in critical condition. It could be much worse. But I don't thinkI had prepared myself for breathing difficulties. As far as his brain goes, they did an ultrasound on his head today, which confirmed what the fetal MRI had shown- Absence of the Corpus Callosum, a small cyst, and a build-up of fluid. However, no one has mentioned an immediate need for surgery to have a shunt put in. They are going to keep measuring the circumference of his head to see if the fluid continues to increase. They have also done tests on his heart, kidneys, lungs, and some other organs to see if any other organs have abnormalities along with the CC missing. So far our understanding is that everything else looks good, but we won't get official results until sometime in the morning.

We don't know how long he will have to stay in NICU, or in the hospital at all. I should get released on Friday as long as I keep doing as well as I have today. So far I have had very little pain at all. I feel really good, which is an answer to prayers since I had such a hard time after my c-section with Karlie. I'm not so sure about leaving the hospital without my baby...I know lots of people have had to do this, but I can't stand the thought of leaving him here.

Again, thank you for all of your prayers and support. Jamie and I are blessed with such wonderful friends and family. Please continue to pray for Anderson's health and that he will be able to come out of the NICU and be with his mommy!

My head is bobbing with exhaustion so I guess it's time to shut down and try to get some rest. I will continue to post pictures and give updates as they become available.

Andrea

Welcome Anderson

Anderson Knox Spears made his arrival this morning at 8:38 am. He is a hefty 8 pounds 7 ounces and 20.25 inches long. He is having some difficulties breathing so they took him to the NICU where he will stay until he can breathe better. They have done an ultrasound on his head, and the neurologists are waiting to get the results from that before any decision is made on where to go from here.

Here are a few pics:

Truly Blessed~ More thoughts from Jamie

Since it takes me a long time to gather my thoughts and put them on paper, I decided that I would post only once about my experiences thus far with this pregnancy. I did so about a month ago. However, I guess I was wrong because it is 11:00 P.M. and I am still excited, thankful, and humbled and wanted to post again!

For those of you who don’t know, Andrea and I are a part of a small group at church that consists of five of the best couples we have ever met. We get together most Sundays to fellowship, have a small devotional, and enjoy sitting around watching our kids play. Last night, as far as Andrea and I knew was just another get together. Much to our surprise it was that and MUCH more!

We arrived at the church and noticed a few additional vehicles in the parking lot but never thought anything about it. Just thought they were there for other meetings. Two of the guys in our small group met us at the door and carried bags of drinks inside. A little strange but it quickly passed. It still did not hit me. As we walked down the hallway the double doors opened, we were welcomed by many members of the Maury Hills Church who had arrived to give Andrea and me a baby shower.
I was humbled. Humbled to the point I immediately began to tear up. For those of you who know me, you know I do not like showing emotion, especially in public while others are around. I could not help it. I did not know what to say or do. To say the least, I was floored.

The night consisted of fellowship, opening gifts, and great food, especially the BBQ prepared by Dave and Phillip Pearce. Thanks to you both for your time and hard work preparing the BBQ and to all the other ladies/gentlemen who assisted in preparing the food! It was GREAT! After dinner, Andrea and I sat on the stage and opened so many wonderful present. WOW! Words cannot express my sincere appreciation for the gifts. Thanks for EVERTYTHING!

A special thanks to the members of our small group. Thank you Parks, Pollards, Pettits, Spitzers, and Cheeks for organizing this VERY special event!! You guys will never know how much tonight meant to me and my family! Your love, gifts, and prayers are indescribable. I feel very blessed to be a part of Maury Hills and a loving small group. May God continue to richly bless you all!

Just a few more thoughts I wanted to share in case I should not to post anymore before Anderson’s arrival.

As soon as we found out about Anderson’s condition, Maury Hills put our family on the prayer list. Many members of this church have spent numerous hours in prayer to our Heavenly Father on our behalf. A prayer group meets together often and specifically asks for healing for our Anderson. We have received and continue to receive letters and cards of encouragement. Thank you!

I anxiously anticipate the arrival of Anderson on June 1st. I look forward to meeting him, seeing his chubby cheeks, and holding him in my arms for the first time. Until that time comes, I will continue to pray for a miracle. Should that request not be answered, I know I serve a big enough God who is capable of making all situations right. I will continue to trust in HIM and know without a shadow of a doubt that HE is in control. I have seen him transform many personal lives, including my very own not many months ago. I will enter this time with faith, not fear- knowing HE is by my side no matter where I go or what situation I find myself in. GOD IS IN CONTROL!

As I close, let me take one more opportunity to tell all of you how much I appreciate, from the bottom of my heart everything that has been said and done on our behalf. Words cannot express the sincere gratitude I feel right now. I want to end with one of my favorite scriptures from Proverbs.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”.

Jamie

A Change of Plans

********UPDATE 5-13-10***************
We found out today that delivery is set for Tuesday, June 1st at 8:00 am. Thank you for the continued prayers and support. It has been so wonderful to have so many friends and family by our side as we have been on this journey. Thank you doesn't seem like enough.


**********Original Post***************

We went back to Vanderbilt today for our last ultrasound before our delivery. Anderson appears to be weighing in right now at a hefty 6 lbs 7 oz. I am almost 35 weeks, so technically should still have 5 weeks left for him to grow. However, as I stated in my last post, they had us scheduled for a c-section on June 11th...But it looks as if that is going to change based on something they saw today.

Our doctor is very concerned about the amount of fluid on the right side of his brain. They have been monitoring the fluid levels each month, and they have always been within normal range- until now. The amount of fluid has increased significantly since our last visit. There is so much, that they are beginning to worry that the fluid could be putting pressure on Anderson's brain...which would not be a good situation.

Our doctor is going to present the information to her panel of specialists tomorrow, but feels that the decision they will make will be to deliver at 37 weeks rather than waiting until 39. They are going to call me tomorrow to let us know the plan for sure, but were about 98 percent positive that this will be the case.

They also mentioned that once Anderson is born, he will have a scan (ultrasound) of his brain. If the fluid is as bad as they suspect, then he will go to surgery to have a shunt put in. The good news is that Dr. Tulipan would do the surgery and there are people from all over the country who travel to Nashville to have Dr. Tulipan do shunts on their babies because he is supposed to be one of the BEST pediatric neurosurgeons around.

So, a few curve balls appear to have been thrown at us today that we weren't really expecting. We are still in good spirits, our faith is still strong, and we are still hopeful that everything will be okay. We know God is in control, and we ask each of you who read this to please join us in praying. We know God is good- we know He can still heal Anderson and perform a miracle- we also know that even without the miracle, He can give us the strength to make it through this.

After sitting in the waiting room at Vanderbilt and seeing kids who are in pretty bad shape- it puts everything in perspective. We are thankful that things are not worse than what they are...it WILL be okay. Just please pray for our strength and courage, and for the healing of our sweet boy.

Quick update...

Basically no news is good news...things around here have been pretty calm (at least with Anderson and the pregnancy). I just thought I would do a quick update for those of you who have been checking and wondering what's going on.

I started last week having to be seen twice a week- every Monday I go the hospital for a NST (non-stress test), just checking to make sure the baby's heartrate increases with movement and then returns to normal. This shows that he is getting enough oxygen to his brain. He has passed the test both times within the first 5-10 minutes...So things that way look great. I also go see Dr. Kurtz every Thursday for a BPP (biophysical profile). This test checks to see if the baby is practicing "breathing" the amniotic fluid. This is done by watching the diaphragm via ultrasound- pretty neat actually. They also check the blood flow in the umbilical cord. He has done great both times with that also. Neither of these tests have anything to do with the fact that Anderson is missing part of his brain, they actually have to be done because of my blood clotting disorder. Apparently, the farther along I get in pregnancy, the better of a chance there is for a blood clot to form in the umbilical cord and block him from getting the nutrients and oxygen he needs to survive. So, basically this is all precautionary. So far, so good.

We go back to Vandy next Wednesday (5-12) for a full ultrasound to check his size, check all of his organs, and see if that CC has decided to show itself or not. We are not expecting it to be there, as we have become content with it not being there, but I know that my God is big and He can perform miracles even when we aren't expecting them. This will probably be the last "Big" ultrasound before he is born. We have 5 weeks from tomorrow before he is scheduled to arrive! We can't wait. We just want to hold him and love on him.

Dr. Kurtz did take a quick 3D/4D peek at his face last week, just for the fun of it, and it was so sweet! He has fat rolls around his neck and big chubby cheeks! I am so thankful that he is healthy and is growing...anxious to see if he beats his sisters on size. I'm also hoping that the current increase in weight that I am gaining is actually Anderson gaining weight- not me! Ha!

So nothing new is happening. We feel blessed that things are still going well and that he is growing and healthy. Praise God!

On a side note: Many people in our area in Tennessee have been devastated by the recent flooding. There are people who have lost everything they had, businesses that don't know if or when they can reopen, and lives lost. As many of you know, I work in Hickman County and the devastation there is awful...4 days after the rain has ended, there are still people in HC who have not been rescued. They are in areas that are completely cut off from the rest of the community. We don't know when we will be back to school...complete roads have been washed away, sink holes have closed main roads, and many in the county still don't have electricity or water. Please keep everyone who has been affected by this flood in your thoughts and prayers.

Not a coincidence

“What a coincidence!” is something I have been known to say a few thousand times throughout my life. However, events that have happened over the past few months during this pregnancy have caused me to change my way of thinking. I no longer believe in “coincidence”. I no longer think people are just lucky or something happened at the right place and right time with no explanation. Nope, that is all in the past.


I have mentioned in previous posts about getting in touch with 2 people who have been able to support me during this time, especially since they both have sons with ACC. I may have even mentioned that one of them lives less than 5 miles from my house…coincidence? No way.


I have also since then been hooked up with a person on Facebook who has a son with ACC, and is helping me get into some networks and get some good information on the subject. Is it a coincidence that we happened to have a mutual friend on Facebook who helped us make the connection? I don’t think so.


But the best happened just today. Let me retell it to you just as it happened…be prepared for some chills. God didn’t just whisper this to me…I think it was more like shouting. (Maybe he didn’t think I caught the first few…he definitely didn’t want me to miss this one!)


I took my class into the cafeteria today, got my lunch, and went to get something to drink. As I was getting my tea, an assistant at our school came up and asked me, “Have you heard about Mrs. M?” (I'm going to keep her name to myself, but all you need to know is that she is a well-known teacher in our school system.) I replied, “No, what about her?”


“Well, just recently she started having some mild seizures. They didn’t know what was causing them so she has had some testing done.” (Honestly, at this point I am thinking "Why is she telling me this?" Not that I wasn’t concerned, I just hadn’t made a connection to why she came rushing to me to tell me this.)


Then she continued… “Well, during the testing, they discovered that she is missing her Corpus Callosum.” (CHILLS yet?)


“You mean, she has never had any symptoms or any problems and she is just now finding out in her 40’s?”


“Exactly. She went through school with no problems, went to college, and is now a teacher, a mother, and a devout Christian. She had no idea that she was missing this piece of her brain, or that anything was missing for that matter.”


I walked out of the cafeteria with chills up and down my spine, thinking “Okay, God. I heard you loud and clear- everything is going to be just fine.”


So, I now know 4 people who are affected with this RARE disorder- and 2 of the 4 either live or work close to me. Coincidence? I don’t think so…


Thank you Lord for placing people in my life to remind me every day that YOU are in control and that YOU will take care of everything.


Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;”

The date is set!!

We went back to Vanderbilt yesterday to meet with Dr. Bennett, the maternal fetal specialist, as well as Dr. Tulipan, the pediatric neurosurgeon. For once, we actually left the visit with a big smile on our face and feeling more confident than ever. No miracles have happened, the CC is still not there, but we were still given a good report.

The ultrasound showed no new concerns or problems. Other than showing how much Anderson has grown in a month, everything developmentally looked just like it had at our last visit- The doctors and sonographers seemed puzzled however because it appears that the cavum septum is present- which usually isn't the case when the CC is missing. You either get both or none, from what I understand. But the CC is still unable to be seen on ultrasound or in any of the MRI films (which we got to see yesterday and are AMAZING!)

So, we still know that if God wants that piece of Anderson's brain to be there- it will show up, even though the doctors say it won't. We still believe that God works miracles, but at this time we're okay if we don't get that miracle. After talking to the nerologist, our hope for Anderson's future seemed to be affirmed. My first question for the neuro was "What should be expect when he is born? Will there be lots of doctor's visits, tests, blood work, etc?" His reply was simply this..."I would like to get an MRI of him sometime in the first 3 months or so after he is born, but other than that, you will take him home and love him and treat him like you would any other baby. No special circumstances. You will watch him and if something arises, then we will go from there, but until that happens you just enjoy your new baby like you did with your other 2." I did ask him about Early Intervention, and he said "It won't hurt anything, so if you want to do that, go for it." But his tone indicated that it was not absolutely necessary.

This was very refreshing to hear. I had wondered if we would have lots of doctor's appointments, therapy, etc...that would begin like a whirlwind as soon as he is born. The fact that things will be low key like any other normal pregnancy/delivery is wonderful! Knowing that we can come home from the hospital, rest, rock, and relax is like a dream come true.

We have a little less than 2 months before he makes his arrival because we have already been scheduled for a C-Section on Friday, June 11th. So for those of you who have been praying with us, please continue to pray that things will stay like they are for the next 2 months and that no unforeseen problems should arise. If you still want to pray for the miracle, that's good too! :) I know it is my will that everything miraculously be healed and fine, but when I pray I make sure to tell God that I want HIS will to be done- HE is the one who knows what is best, HE is the one that knows what the future holds, and HE is the one who knows the master plan for Anderson. I don't want my selfish desires to get in the way of HIS plans.

Already blessed

Someone sent me this video and I just had to share it with the rest of you who have been beside us on this journey. With still 12 weeks to go, I feel Anderson has already blessed our family so much...and we haven't even heard him cry. Hope you enjoy!

Second Best sounds pretty good!

We finally got our news today (at 3:30pm) and got a diagnosis. We are very happy with the news...just as we had prepared ourselves for, the corpus callosum is not there- at all. We know that the best news ever would be for everything to have shown up on the MRI that should be there and be told the ultrasounds were wrong. BUT...the second best news is that everything else looks good and appears to be functioning properly- only the corpus callosum is missing.

This is good news, though. The exact diagnosis for all of you medical folks is: isolated agenesis of the corpus callosum. We have been told that Anderson will have mild symptoms, if any. We have also been told that he will surprise us...things that we think he will struggle with he may have no difficulty with at all.

Jamie and I feel like a load has been lifted off our shoulders because now we KNOW. There is no more guessing of whether it's there or not there...no more wondering if there are other things involved or just this. Let me tell you, knowledge is freedom.

I feel like I can now move on and begin preparing for a new baby, just as any expecting mother does. I can enjoy the final 13 weeks (or less) of the pregnancy, without worry. You see, there isn't a lot that can be done now, until he is born. Now that we have the diagnosis, we know a little more of what to expect. We know that we will continue being seen by my regular OB as well as the specialists at Vanderbilt. We know that we will see a pediatric neurologist at our next visit to Vandy to get more information about what to expect when he is born. We know that we will deliver at Vanderbilt and that many pediatric specialists will be available, IF they are needed. We know that once he is born, he will be able to receive therapy from Early Intervention soon after birth to help him meet those milestones. We know that pretty much the rest is up to him...it will be gauged on how well he does.

We know that no matter what, he will be loved and adored by many friends and family. He will be the light in his big sisters' lives, and a blessing to anyone who is around him. We know that with all of the support and love he will have in his life, he is capable of ANYTHING...I can't wait to see what all he is able to accomplish!

Thank you again for your prayers. This diagnosis truly is an answer to prayers...you see, it could have been much, much worse. We are so thankful for this diagnosis. We are relieved and excited about what the future holds for our family. God does answer prayers, and we are humbled by the number of prayers that have gone up daily on behalf of our family and sweet baby.

Not neglected...

So I realized that in keeping everyone posted about Anderson, I haven't posted anything at all about the girls in awhile. I didn't want you to think that they are being totally neglected or put on the back burner (not that any of you would think that). So I thought I'd do a quick post to let you know what they've been up to.

They are absolutely loving life in a subdivision. They have made friends with the kids next door and spent many hours yesterday playing outside with them. This is a big deal, especially for Kinsley, because at the old house they would not play outside unless Jamie or I were right there with them. Yesterday I finally made them come in the house when the street lights started coming on.

Their other new friend is the "Ice Cream Man"... They can hear that music from miles away and will stand on the porch with thier dollars waiting on him. They think he's the coolest thing ever!

Since we live on the end of a cul-de-sac, they are allowed to ride their bikes on the street around the circle while Jamie or I am outside watching them. Kinsley was so excited about having pavement to ride her bike on that I think she rode at least 10 miles on that little bike yesterday. It sure beats having to ride in circles in the garage because we had a gravel driveway! She's hoping to practice without her training wheels soon...that should be a fun adventure.

Karlie loves riding her bike, too. She is getting better at peddling up small hills everyday. She is so funny. She has such a determination about her. She gets really frustrated, but is determined she is going to do it without help.

They are getting really excited about their baby brother and are beginning to ask more frequently how much longer until he gets here. Karlie announced at lunch the other day that "Momma has a BIG belly!" Kinsley gave her a death look and replied, "Karlie, don't say that when Momma is listening! You'll hurt her feelings." It was quite comical...as if I don't realize I have a big belly!

We are looking forward to more days with beautiful weather like we had yesterday. Planning on spending a lot of time outside playing and enjoying the subdivision life.

Jamie and I have tried very hard to protect them from knowing anything could be wrong with the baby. Of course Kinsley was with us at the 20 week ultrasound, but she has never mentioned anything else about it. We haven't talked about it with them. So, other than praying each night for their baby to be healthy, they don't have any reason to think they need to worry. That's the way I would like for it to be until there is a for sure reason that they need to know otherwise.

Have a great day! Thanks for all of the continued prayers. The MRI results did not get put in the computer yesterday for the doctor to give us the results, so we are patiently waiting until Monday to find out some definite answers. Keep praying!

The Good, The Bad, and The Undecided

It has been an exhausting day both physically and emotionally. Thank you for all the prayers throughout the day today. Please continue to pray. We don't know a lot yet. We have to wait until tomorrow afternoon or Monday for the MRI results, but for now, here's what we know...



The Good:

Anderson is not lacking in growth or nutrition at all! He is following in his sisters' footsteps of being at the top of the growth chart. They are already estimating his weight at 2lb 5 oz....and we still have 3 months to go!



The ultrasound technician thought she could see the cavum septum pellucidum today during the ultrasound. We don't know exactly what this means, but have been told that is supposed to be good news (they could not find it 3 weeks ago).



He was laying in a much better position today for them to get pictures...he is still breech, but not laying facing my back.



The MRI technicians were very pleased with the quality of pictures they were able to get. So, once a radiologist and a neurologist read the films, we should finally get some answers, or at least a solid diagnosis.



The Bad:

During the ultrasound, the sonographer felt like she could see a cyst on his brain. The doctor wouldn't say much about it, she just said to wait and see what the MRI shows.



There was a question about the amount of fluid on the right side of his brain. There wasn't enough for it to be a big concern right now, but they would have to keep an eye on it.



The sonographer also said something to the doctor about "it" being asymmetrical...Jamie and I haven't figured out exactly what is asymmetrical, but we do know that everything in the brain should be symmetrical, so we are hoping the MRI will shed more light on this.



They did tell me today that I will have to deliver at Vanderbilt rather than MRMC. I know that will be a good place for us to be, but I love my OB doctor and was hoping he could deliver this baby also.



The MRI was just as bad as I thought it would be...I hope I don't have to have anymore of those!



The Undecided:

At this point, we really don't know if today was good or bad...when we left the 11:30 ultrasound I was devastated. I felt like more bad things had been revealed to us than any other ultrasound...but the doctor wouldn't say much until she gets the report from the MRI, so I don't know whether to be worried, or if everything is going to be okay. By the time we left the 5:00 MRI, I just felt lost. I felt like I was walking away from an exhausting day with no more information than I had this morning when I walked in.



Anyway, thank you so much for your continued prayers. Please don't stop praying. We are hoping for good news when we get the results from the MRI. We do still know that God is in control and he will take care of everything, but I did have some weak moments today where I allowed Satan to try to convince me that things were NOT going to be okay. The good thing is that when I am weak, Jamie is stronger than ever, and vice versa. He is wonderful to me...after the ultrasound he just kept reminding me that everything will be okay, and that we will get through this TOGETHER, no matter what.



We are both completely exhausted. I only got about 30 minutes of sleep last night. I was so anxious for today and what we would find out, that I just watched the clock tick all night long. I am hoping for a good night's rest tonight. I will post as soon as we get some results- which will hopefully be tomorrow if I can harass enough people at Vanderbilt! :)



For tonight, I will leave you with some of the words of one of my favorite songs that went through my head several times today:



I was sure by now,
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen" and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm
I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried,
You hold in your hand,
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

~Casting Crowns "Praise You in this Storm"

Jamie's View

I am so excited! Jamie decided he would join me in doing some posts for the blog. The following is his perspective on the pregnancy, the initial ultrasound, and what the future holds.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me first say "Thank you" to everyone who has offered up prayers on our behalf and said many kind, thoughtful, and encouraging words during the last few months. I cannot tell you how much both have meant to our family. It is truly a blessing to have such wonderful friends!

It was the day we had all looked forward to. One that seemed like it would never arrive. It was the day we would finally find out the sex of our third child. We were all so excited. Kinsley even got to skip school to go with us to find out the big surprise.

After having two healthy, beautiful, adorable girls, it was my wish, as it is for most fathers, to have a boy. A son I could call my own. One who would hopefully want to be and do everything his father was and did.

After arriving, we were placed in an ultrasound room with the sonographer. She was polite, profressional, and explained the entire process. Everything was going exactly how I had envisioned. This was great!

You could tell that she had a process by which she examined every fetus. A process which would not reveal the sex of the baby at first. This was one of the main reasons I came to the ultrasound. I wanted to know what we were having. I had been through two of these before. Just tell me whether I am having a boy or a girl!

Shortly into the examination, we began hearing words like beautiful, amazing, perfect, etc...These are the words every parent dreams of hearing. Words that convey that everything was in place and working. I was on top of the world.

She then revealed that we were having a BOY! My eyes filled with tears. I was overcome with joy. My wish had come true!

Soon after this announcement, her tone of voice changed. You could see it in her eyes. She became serious, reserved, and focused, as if something was wrong. We were told this is the last thing she looks for. She continued to look. By this time, I was scared. I mean, really scared. I was sick. My stomach was in my throat. What could be wrong? Don't tell me this one thing that I had longed for wasn't perfect. Don't tell me that he won't be able to walk, talk, or do anything for himself.

Until this time, everything seemed okay. All necessary parts were in place and working. I thought we were having a beautiful and perfect baby. It was then that we were placed in a room to wait and talk to the doctor. We waited for over an hour waiting to talk with the doctor. This seemed like an eternity!

When the doctor arrived, she discussed the problem. She gave us a brief description of the CC and it's role in the brain, as well as any effects that Anderson may experience if it did not develop by the next ultrasound.

As you are aware from Andrea's previous posts, the CC is still not there. All other factors seem to be in place, normal size, and functioning. For this I am thankful.

I have come to realize that Anderson may not be perfect in the way I USED to think of as perfect. He will be his own person and I am convinced he will teach me many special things about life I have never thought about. He will be loved and spoiled. Most of all, I will be thankful to God for giving me a son of my very own!

Thank you again for the phone calls, kind words, and prayers. I humbly ask for your continued prayers in the upcoming months as we prepare for the arrival of Anderson. May God richly bless you and your family.

Welcome to Holland

As Jamie and I prepare ourselves for our doctor's visit this Thursday, we feel blessed beyond measure. The number of people who are praying for our sweet Anderson is overwhelming. God has also placed two other new people in our lives this past week who have been a blessing to us. It can't be a coincidence that I have met, and gotten to talk to, two other mothers of children with ACC (Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum)- one right here in my hometown, and another several hundred miles away in Arizona. What a blessing!

Tonight, I know that Thursday's appointments will be stressful, I know that I am scared out of my mind to have the MRI, and I am nervous of exactly what we will find out. But, God is still giving me a sense of peace. I feel that I am prepared to handle the news that the CC is not there at all, even on the MRI. Especially after talking to one of my new friends on the phone, I know that this news will not be the end of the world. Will it be different than what we planned? Yes, but that doesn't mean it's bad... I am also prepared to have a huge celebration if we were to happen to find out that the CC is there and everything looks wonderful. Although I have not allowed myself to get my hopes up this time. I am prepared for either outcome.

One of the things that I discussed with one of my new friends who knows what I'm going through because she has "been there, done that", was the fact that people who have never been through something like this don't understand, they don't know what to say, so often times, they don't say anything. It's funny to watch people's reactions when they come up to me and ask how I am feeling/doing. When I reply..."I am great! I couldn't be better! I have no complaints." they look at me like I'm crazy. But, I am okay. I feel great. And I know and trust that God is in control. He has given me a peace like I never thought I would have with something like this.

But I wanted to share a poem with you. This poem was written by a mother of a special needs child, who puts into words what it is like to have a special needs child...She does a very beautiful job of putting into words what it's like from the moment you are pregnant and find out your child has something wrong.

While I haven't experienced all of the areas of the poem because I am still in the planning stages of my "trip", this poem gives me hope. It gives me a new perspective of looking at life. It's a little long, but it is WONDERFUL so please read the entire thing. Maybe you, too, will be blessed by her words.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Holland
By: Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability-to try to help people who have not shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.

It's like this: When you are going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans: the Coliseum, Michaelangelo's "David", the gondolas in Venice...You may learn some handy phrases in Itailian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the big day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.

The flight attendant comes and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. All my life I have dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plans. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. You must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there awhile and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that is where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you, Lord for allowing me my trips to Italy twice already. Please help me to plan for a wonderful trip to Holland this time, if that is your will.

Latest News...

The past month has FLOWN by so quickly! It seems like just a week or so ago since I last updated the blog, but now I realize that it has been exactly a month. What a busy month it has been!

We did sell our house and have moved into our new home. We still have a few things that we have NO idea where they are, but overall things are unpacked and we are loving our new space. Due to the move, we have been without internet service for well over a week. I haven't been able to post to the blog or check many facebook statuses, besides the few minutes of wireless we "borrow" from a neighbor. (hey, if you don't put a password on your wireless, then you are technically allowing me to borrow! Oops!) I figured there were some of you who had been checking the blog for an update on the baby since our visit to Vanderbilt on the 24th of February.

The 24th was the day that we (along with many of you) had been praying for a miracle. We didn't get our miracle that day, but we did get some encouraging news. The corpus callosum was still not visible via ultrasound. This was hard for me to hear, because I had convinced myself that it WOULD be there this time. However, after getting over the initial disappointment, I allowed myself to hear the positive news among all of it.

At this time, everything else in the baby's brain (or body for that matter) appear normal: normal size, normal shape, normal placement, etc. The only problem is the missing corpus callosum. This news is good because it pushes us toward the less severe end of the symptoms spectrum. In fact, the doctors at Vandy told us there are adults walking around today missing this piece of their brain and they don't even know it- sometimes adults go for a CT scan for some other reason and discover during the test that they are missing this piece of their brain...weird, huh?

We are scheduled to have a fetal MRI on March 18th. The MRI should show the area of the brain in much more detail than the ultrasound is able to do. We will receive a diagnosis after the results of the MRI are shared with our specialist. They did explain to us that there will still be many questions that they cannot answer, even after giving the diagnosis.

As I mentioned earlier, I was very disappointed at first during our last appointment. However, I have since realized that it's okay. This time I am preparing myself for the MRI to also confirm that this area of the brain is still missing. I am preparing myself for a diagnosis, as well as any challenges we may face with this sweet baby boy. This does NOT mean that I don't still pray every day for a miracle. It does NOT mean that I have given up on God or think that he isn't going to do anything about it. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe all things happen for a reason. I know that God has the power to heal this baby, but if he chooses not to do a complete healing, there is a purpose. Either he has big plans for this child, our family, or some other way that this situation will be used for his glory. I don't know the reason, but I do know that God is in control and he will take care of us- NO MATTER WHAT.

Can I admit something? There are days that I really feel guilty about asking people to pray for the baby. Sound crazy? I know. But instead of asking myself "Why me? Why my baby?" I've started asking "Why not me?" Do I think I am too good to have a child with special needs? So, thank you for your prayers...but sometimes I feel guilt about asking for them. I know prayer is a very powerful thing, but this guilt is something I am currently struggling with.

We don't know what the future holds for this child, but right now the doctors are leading us in a more positive direction. This good news must be answers to prayers going up on behalf of this baby and our family. Praise God! We do believe in the power of prayer, but I am also realistic and understand that things don't have to be PERFECT to be OKAY. And I think I can live with that.

By the way, this sweet baby does finally have a name:

Anderson Knox Spears

Where we are...

For those of you who keep checking in on the blog to see what's going on, I thought I'd post a quick little update.

1st- My regular OB/GYN thought a 2nd opinion was a good idea, so he has scheduled me an appointment with a Maternal Fetal Doctor at Vanderbilt. Of course the earliest they can see us is Feb. 24th. We will see the doctor AND have another ultrasound done that day.

2nd- Jamie and I have spent lots of time researching all there is to know about a missing corpus callosum and the disorders that can go along with it. Our research has been really beneficially to us because we now have a list of questions to ask at the next ultrasound. We feel we know what information to find out to give us a better idea of what to expect. That was the entire purpose for our research.

3rd- Since there really isn't anything that we can DO, or any more answers that we can get until we have another ultrasound, we have decided to stay off the internet in regards to this, and just spend our time praying for a miracle on the 24th.

I am not going to pretend that I haven't had my moments of fear and doubt...I have. But at the moment, I am at peace with all of this. I know that between now and the 24th, I have to hand all of this over to God...I cannot ignore my girls, just so I can spend all day worrying and searching for more information. I have to get on with my daily life. So, other than constant prayer for healing...I am moving on. I ask any of you who read this blog to also pray that when we go to Vanderbilt on the 24th of February, that everything will be just as it should be.

Another update...we have FINALLY sold our house. We are going to buy the house my parents lived in while I was in college. We are supposed to close on both houses Feb. 18th. So, I really need to get busy packing. I think February is going to be a busy month!

Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. I have received many emails, facebook comments, and comments on here that are very very encouraging. Thank you! You have no idea how much all of those comments mean to us.

Frustrated

When it comes to medical diagnoses, have you ever felt like you've been lied to? Maybe lied isn't the right word....misled may be a more accurate description. This is exactly how I feel today.

Many friends and family had told me not to go online and look up information on the absence of the corpus callosum (aka. Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum). They said it would just make me scared and worry more. However, I want you to show me one mother out there, who wouldn't want to be educated and feel prepared for any birth defect that her child might have. I feel like with the more information I can have regarding this defect, then I will know what questions to ask and what to expect throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. The way I see it, I can either hide from the information that is out there and live in the wonderful world of the unknown, or I can educate myself completely on this and be prepared with all of the necessary tools/doctors/therapies that are available.

So, today I decided to take a look online. I found case studies, medical journals, medical research, support sites, etc. The more I found, the angrier I became. As I look back, I feel that the doctor who gave us the diagnosis and explained it to us, gave us a very watered-dow version. And when I asked the specific question of how this would affect the baby mentally, I was given the answer "not at all." From what I have read today, this is a complete distruth.

Don't get me wrong...my faith in the outcome of this baby has not changed. I still have complete faith that God is in control. But, I don't think God expects us to sit back, doing nothing. Even though he is in control of the situation, I still feel I have responsibilities as well. Just because you are pregnant and know God will take care of the baby, doesn't mean you don't still have to take prenatal vitamins and take care of yourself, right? So I feel that it is my responsibility to know as much as I can and get the right treatment both prenatally, and postnatally.

So, after my readings today, I am frustrated. I want to know why the other tests that are available to help diagnose this problem haven't been ordered. I want to know why the doctor didn't give us a realistic view of what life for this baby could be like. If the affects from this defect have a large spectrum of symptoms, I want to know whether other areas of the brain have already been affected or not....I have so many questions.

Jamie and I so much appreciate all of the wonderful support we have been receiving from friends and family. Prayers are still very much appreciated because miracles DO happen. Please bear with me as I struggle between being "okay and accepting" of the diagnosis to being "frustrated and confused."

For now, I will continue praying and trusting in the Lord to know and be in charge of what is going to come, with the baby, with our family, with our future.

Taking things for granted

During every pregnancy, an ultrasound is done around 20 weeks. To most parents, this ultrasound is the time when you find out if it's a boy or girl. To the doctors and ultrasound technicians, this visit is much more than simply to determine the sex of the baby. The are checking for many things...a heart with all four valves working properly, kidneys with fluid in them, a bladder, a stomach, all of the bones in the arms and legs, the nasal bone, and believe it or not, they even check for all 3 bones to be present in the pinky finger. There are many other detailed things that they check for, including something I've never heard of until today...the Corpus Callosum.

We had our ultrasound today. For the first 45 minutes of the ultrasound, everything was wonderful. We were truly floating on cloud 9. We found out we are having a boy- Jamie nearly leapt out of his chair he was so excited. The sweet lady who did our ultrasound kept commenting on how wonderful everything looked. "Oh, what a sweet baby." "Would you look at that heart? That looks absolutely wonderful." She went back and forth between talking to us and actually talking to the baby as she performed the ultrasound. She explained everything to us as she looked. She commented what wonderful pictures she was able to get and how she could sit and ultrasound me all day because it was so easy to get a good picture. After getting several good profile shots and oohing and ahhing over how precious the baby was, she told us she had one more thing to check and then she would be finished.

The next area that she began to check was the baby's head. I knew she was checking out the brain, but had no idea what all she was looking for. However, Jamie and I both realized very quickly that what she saw (or didn't see) wasn't what she was hoping for. Her demeanor quickly changed from love and excitement to seriousness and concern.

She did manage to smile as she told us she was "having trouble finding something" and would like to get another ultrasound tech to come in and take a look if we don't mind. She comes back a few minutes later and the other lady went straight to work. She, too, couldn't find whatever it was they were looking for, and tells the other tech to show the pictures to the doctor and let her come in and look to see if she can find it. They both leave the room.

"What are they looking for?" Jamie and I ask each other this question almost at the same time.

This time when the ultrasound tech comes in, she tells us that the doctor looked at the pictures and she doesn't need to come in and look for herself- it's not there.

I ask her "What exactly is it that you are looking for?" It was at this moment that we were introduced to the term corpus callosum. She explained to us that this is a part of the brain that allows the left hemisphere and the right hemisphere to communicate with each other. We both sat there with blank stares as she said. "As far as how this will affect the baby, I can't tell you because I am not a doctor. We are going to put you in a room and the doctor will come explain more to you about it."

So then we were placed in a small holding room for an hour waiting on the doctor and fearing the worst.

Jamie, Kinsley, and I all sat in that room crying and praying and just hoping that this would not be as bad as it sounded. While we were waiting, we contacted some of our closest family and friends and asked them to start praying. And what wonderful friends and family we have because they immediately began praying!! That is so powerful!

When the doctor finally came in to talk to us, she gave us more information about what to expect and eased our fears- some of the prayers had already been answered- it WASN"T as bad as what it sounded like or what we were imagining during that hour wait. Here are the basic facts:
- the corpus callosum does, in fact, allow the left and right side of the brain to communicate
- missing this area of the brain does not put the baby at risk of dying
- mentally, the baby should not be affected by this
- the two main side effects that have been linked to missing this area are seizures and coordination problems.
- some people never experience any symptoms
- there is still some hope that this area could develop between now and June.

I haven't allowed myself to get on the internet and look this up. For now I am content knowing that overall the baby is healthy, that it doesn't have a life-threatening disorder, and that I can trust God and know he is in control.

I am going to do my best to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy, continue praying for the health and well-being of myself and the baby, and look forward to having a precious little boy to sit and rock this summer.

Thank you for all of the prayers that were sent up on our behalf today. Please don't stop praying. Our family truly believes in the power of prayer and we know that God can heal the baby if that is his will. We also know that if the baby is born without complete healing, God will give us the strength and courage to deal with any symptoms or problems that arise.

Two Firsts....

It wasn't much....

In fact it was less than 1/2 inch.....

But it didn't matter...any snow around here causes lots of excitement! This is our first snow of 2010.

Another first

Remember how Jamie has taken up the new pasttime of hunting? Well, he scored his first deer the other day. Here is the proof:

Looking Back on 2009

2009...How will it be remembered? What will our family remember most? Will it be the first African American President? The tough economy where many lost their jobs? The death and sickness of some close acquaintances? New friends? Challenges that nearly tore our family apart?



What is it that we will remember about 2009 when we look backwards in a few years? It's really hard to pick just one thing...this past year has been one of sadness, happiness, stress, relaxation, challenges, successess, unknowns, and new discoveries- all in one.



It has definitely been a long journey through 2009. To be completely honest, the past year began with some events that put our family at rock bottom...some events that challenged us as a family to take a good close look at what was important to us in life. Going through these challenges was not fun or enjoyable...but I have to say that after surviving and coming out on the other side, I could not be more thankful to have gone through it. Coming out of those events, our family is stronger, our marriage is closer, we are more content with the things we have, and are definitely a more spiritual family who believes in the power of God. We have seen him answer prayers; we have felt his forgiveness and mercy; and we have felt him carry us through times when we knew we couldn't make it on our own.



As we overcame those obstacles, many new and exciting things began happening to our family including a new job for me, and a job transfer for Jamie which put him closer to home. Both of these were blessings for our family.



We have experienced some wonderful family vacations...one in July with my family, and another in October with just the four of us. That time spent together is something so special to us. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing, just being together and enjoying the girls as they grow so quickly, is worth every penny spent on vacation.

We learned in October that we will be welcoming a new member to our family in June...the girls are so excited about having a new brother or sister. We will find out in January so stay tuned to find out... This has brought some other changes, including the fact we now need a bigger house, as we have outgrown our current one. It is on the market, but the economy is not helping it sell. We will have to purchase a new vehicle soon, as a car seat does not fit between Kinsley and Karlie in the backseat of our current vehicle. Oh well...it will all be worth it when we bring home our precious new addition to the family.

As far as our extended families go, we have had some moments this past year that have caused us to pull even closer to these extended families and to be thankful for having them in our lives. These relationships are very important to us, and we are truly thankful that our girls have so many people who love and care about them...what more can you ask for?

Don't get me wrong, things are not always rosey and wonderful in our lives...if I had to sum up 2009 I could do it with this quote,

"It began with us being thrown some big lemons, and it ended with us sitting back sipping on some wonderful lemonade looking toward 2010 and wondering what will come...whatever it may be."

Happy New Year to all of you. I hope 2010 will bring blessings and hope to you and your families.

Shhh...It's a secret

I love the honesty of 3 year olds.

Tonight as I was blow drying Karlie's hair before she went to bed, she kept turning and looking at me like she wanted to tell me something. I just thought she wouldn't tell me because she thought I wouldn't be able to hear her over the blow dryer, so I leaned really close to her and asked "What did you want to tell me?"

"I didn't say nuffin." she said...then she keeps looking at me with that look of "I really want to tell you something."

So I said to her again, "What is it? What did you want to tell me?"

Her reply, "I'm not going to tell you. Daddy helped me write my name in your birthday card, but daddy said I am not supposed to tell you about the card. So I can't tell you."

I just smiled, chuckled under my breath, and told her "If daddy said not to tell then make sure you don't tell."

She seemed content with that. She smiled, nodded her head, and said, "Okay, I won't tell."

Thankful...

Have you ever let little things get you completely stressed out? You know, things that don't amount to a hill of beans...yet affect us like it's the end of the world? Do you really take time at Thanksgiving to STOP and be thankful for all of your blessings, your family, your health, etc...or are you too busy worrying about getting all the food cooked and on a nicely decorated table, too busy checking the sale ads for Black Friday, or being totally consumed by football, that you completely overlook the fact that the purpose of the holiday is to stop and be thankful for your bountiful blessings? (You realize that by saying "you" I am really meaning "me".)

Well, tonight I had a moment that hit me square in the face. It hit me hard. And it made me realize that I take everything I have for granted. I am not near as thankful as I should be, and I treat little petty things like major events. Guess I needed a reality check and that is exactly what I got.

You see, a family at our church is pleading for prayers for their sister. She is in ICU and very ill. She isn't much older than me, and she has young children at home like me. I have been praying several times a day for her, as well as checking her caringbridge site for updates at least 5-6 times a day. It has been devastating to this familiy, but their faith is strong and many people are crying out to God on her behalf. How thankful I should be every day for my health and the health of my family! However, I don't. I don't stop near enough and truly thank God for these blessings.

Tonight on the caringbridge update, the family asked us to continue to pray for their family member, but to also pray for a 3 year old little girl with cancer. At the end of the post they put a link to the young girl's caringbridge site.

As I sat and read the updates, looked at the pictures of the beautiful child, and read the comments that people are leaving for the family, I felt completely guilty. I sat and cried my eyes out. Why this little girl? I have a 3 year old, also. Why do I think that I am so special nothing like this will happen to my family? How thankful I should be that my children have lived very healthy lives so far! Why do I think my family is invincible to bad things? Well, the realization is that we aren't. We haven't been lucky, either. God has blessed us thus far with the gift of health. I should be rejoicing daily and thanking Him profusely. But do I? Of course not.

Let's face it. I needed a wake-up call. And tonight...I got one. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I cannot get the little girl off my mind. And the sad thing is that she isn't the only small child going through something like this. There are children all over who are battling diseases and sicknesses. It's not rare. And my family is not invincible. Thank you Lord for reminding me how blessed I am and how thankful I should be.

Catching Up...

Haven't done my part on keeping the blog current. My apologies to those few of you left who check it for new posts quite often (Grandpa). Lots has happened since the last real post about everyone starting a new school year.

Let's start with Kinsley. She LOVES school. She has blossomed more than I ever thought possible. In fact, there have been no tears at all at school (except for a few times in the gym for PE...but that has been worked out.) After knowing how shy and timid she is, her teacher was even afraid that she would be one who cried for the first month of Kindergarten....not so. She went in the first day with a big smile on her face and has loved it ever since. She even enjoys riding the bus from her school to mine in the afternoon, and if we are early in the mornings, she likes to ride the bus (however that hasn't happened too much : ) )She is already learning to read, which is amazing to me. The thing that I feared worst about Kindergarten is happening...my baby is growing up and maturing before my very own eyes. I am so proud of her. She has really come out of her shell...she still has a ways to go, but the progress is huge!

Karlie Ryan goes to Dayschool two days a week and thinks it's great! The other days she is still at Mrs. Carla's and Bobo's. She gets spoiled rotten there, and I love it. They are more like a third set of grandparents to the girls rather than a babysitter...something that is not easy to find. We are thankful for them. She is growing up very quickly, too. She sailed right through the terrible twos without them actually being so terrible. However, I am not yet convinced that threes are going to be quite as easy. She is incredibly independent, and very smart. She amazes me everyday with things that she says or does.

Both girls are excited about Christmas- as long as Santa doesn't come in the house. And if he HAS to come in the house to leave the presents, then he BETTER NOT wake us up. They are not big fans of Santa...when we saw him at the mall (from the 2nd floor) Karlie screamed "GETME OUT OF HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME!" for the next 20 minutes. It was quite funny.

Jamie has taken up a new hobby- hunting. Whew, who knew it required so much gear and money to go sit in a field and shoot an animal. Oh wait...we haven't shot one yet. Haven't even seen very many. I don't get it. But he loves it. So I am trying to be supportive even though I really don't understand this new hobby. I just ask him not to "shoot his eye out" every time before he goes. Ah, he also has made a bet with a few guys at work about not being allowed to cut their hair until April....I never thought he would make it this long because it always bothered him if it wasn't buzzed....but when money is involved I guess he can do it. So if you see him and he looks kind of shaggy...it's all in the name of $40.

I absolutely love my new job this year. Fourth grade is awesome. It has been a really good year. I enjoy the time that the girls and I get to spend together in the car on the way to school in the mornings. Quality time that I try not to take for granted. Our lives have been so busy since school started (isn't everyones?) . When we aren't gone or busy doing something, I am trying to rest as I have been exhausted lately...this is due to the fact that we are expecting again. Our third child is due this summer and I have had more sickness and exhaustion with this pregnancy than either of the girls'. Could that mean a boy? We don't know yet but I will be sure to keep you posted. We have had lots of ultrasounds so far with this baby because this pregnancy is being considered high risk. Apparently I have a genetic disorder that makes me prone to blood clots...so at anytime a blood clot could form and block the baby from getting the nutrients it needs to grow and survive. I am thankful to have made it to the 12 week mark, but I also have been told that with my condition, this pregnancy will not be out of the "danger zone" until the baby is born. So, please pray for a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby.

I know this is long...sorry. Just lots to say to catch up from the past 3 months....

Our house is still on the market. We are getting very antsy about selling it because we have finally found another house. The house that my parents lived in while I was in college is for sale and we have a contract on it contigent upon the sale of our house. This all took place this week, so now we are more ready to sell than ever before. We need the right person to come look at our house...So if you know anyone looking in this area....send them our way!

I know I say this everytime, but I WILL do better about keeping up. I will try to update the pregnancy, house situation, Jamie's hair, etc....Ha Ha!

For now, I think this is WAAAAAAY too long, and wonder if anyone made it through the entire post before falling asleep from boredom?